Autism, Loss, and Family

One of the things I haven’t done is find other parents of Autistic children. I always figured the support of my family was enough. And it usually is.

Today I was getting caught up on reading http://www.squidalicious.com/ and her post from yesterday about letting go of people really got to me.

When someone dies Ethan does acknowledge it but it takes him a while to grieve. It could be a few days or it could be years. When my grandma died in 2005 he actually started his grieving process at the same time as everyone else. And it seems he is still grieving. Ethan brings up granny quite often and for some reason that still shocks me.

This is a time I wish I had found a support group or other parents with an Autistic child to befriend. I haven’t really heard how other spectrum children deal with death, if they do at all.

Ethan may be almost 16 but I think it’s time I got out there and found a support group. I love my husband dearly but he still doesn’t really get Ethan. He tries oh so hard, but there are times and situations Scott can’t grasp what Ethan is upset over or why he reacts the way he does.

Obviously I have friends that I can talk to but it still isn’t the same because their children are “normal”. Well, as normal as a child can be! J

A dear friend that lives across the street seems to understand more than anyone so far. We have become very close to our neighbors and spend lots of time with them. Harley is only 2 weeks younger than their youngest daughter and Emma and Ethan are the same ages as their older two. We call each other’s kids our own and refer to them as neighbor daughter or neighbor son. And no, we aren’t like sister wives! My friend, S, and I agree that’s not a lifestyle we could ever lead. Yes, we have talked about that show, we have actually talked about pretty much any subject there is.

Anyways, Ethan adores going to their house and they adore Ethan. S’s dogs hate people that don’t live in their house but they love Ethan. I’ve sat many a night after work and we’ve talked about our day and Ethan’s latest triumph or steps he’s taken backwards. S listens and gives what advice she can and I love her for it.

S’s stepdaughter that is Ethan’s age has a little brother that is the same way and they are learning a lot about the spectrum and every once in a while I hear something they have learned that I didn’t know.



The only loss I haven’t seen Ethan react to is my stepson, Ronnie, leaving for boot camp. I’m not surprised though. Those 2 just did not get along. At all. They tried for my sake, I think, but not for them. I could hear them arguing and as soon as I walked into the room they were in they both quit talking. At first it bothered me but then I decided they would find their own way around each other and the household became a little easier for me.



Now, if only I could get my husband to stop irritating my mom on purpose! But he gets great joy out of it so I doubt it will stop soon. And it’s not anything mean. My mom is almost 70 and it doesn’t take much to irritate her anymore anyways. At least she still likes joking around with him. When that stops then maybe I will worry.

Half way thru 2011 (didn't realize this never published!)

What a year it's been so far. Scott finally got a job in February. I finally feel like I can breathe a little when it comes to bills, groceries, and other essentials for our house.
It's hard to believe Ethan and Emma will be starting high school in just 5 weeks. They both ended the 8th grade on the honor roll. Emma had problems with Math but managed to pull up the grade just in time.

Harley starts 2nd grade. Just like every mom, I say my kids grow too fast. It feels like just yesterday he was a baby. Now he has play dates and sleep overs and loves to play outside just as much as he loves video games. I'm so thankful he loves to be outside and doesn't mind the limited video game time we impose.

Ronnie graduated from high school with honors. When he first moved here his goal was to be valedictorian. He didn't quite make it but he was very close. He left for Marine Corp boot camp June 20th. We miss him so very much but are so very proud of him at the same time.
His current girlfriend ( the kid has been through many girls in 3 years! ) is absolutely adorable. She is sticking by him through his time in boot camp and visits us regularly. Just to talk. His girlfriend spends time with Emma, they play tennis, go to movies, volunteer at our hospital together. She's becomming one of the family. It's hard to keep my mouth shut because who knows what will happen when he's done with boot and goes on for more training in Florida. I hope they stay together though.

The house is quieter without Ronnie and his friends coming and going. I know it won't last long with Emma starting high school and meeting alot more people.

Time for bed. We are going to Albuquerque tomorrow. We are surprising the kids and going to see the new Transformers movie and Scott has an appointment with his endocrinologist on Monday.

Sunday & I Don't Care

Had family visiting from Mesa AZ! So fun, met my cousin's new girl friend, and she is so wonderful. Hope they last but if they don't then it wasn't meant to be.
Saturday we went to our favorite tattoo/piercing place to get Emma more lip studs. Went to A&W for root beer floats at 10:00 in the morning. Then 13 of us went to the new Harry Potter film. We are Harry Potter buffs and loved the movie.
Made spicy pork chops, veggies, rolls, and pan fried potatos for dinner, watched A-Team, sat up talking until 2am. Got up at 8am this morning to make it to church, had a church Thanksgiving dinner after the service, came home and said goodbye til next time to family that had to drive back home today,took a nap, now I'm sitting here typing this, drinking Fuzzy Navels, and waiting for pizza.
I'm off tomorrow :):):)
Only work 2 1/2 days this next week because I have 10 1/2 days of vacation left to use before the end of the year.
Now tomorrow will be a different story. Tomorrow will feel like a Sunday night and I won't sleep good. I rarely sleep good on Sunday nights, don't know why, I've had my job for 11 years so I shouldn't be nervous.
Pizza should be here any minute and then we are going to drink more Fuzzy Navels and watch The Walking Dead on AMC.
Time to put the kids to bed.

Head of the Special Ed Class

This is absolutely horrible. And I really can’t believe hubby and I said this. Ok, I’m so lying right now but you know, I try to convince myself at times that I’m not this crass.

We received Ethan’s state test scores from the end of last year. They came in the mail, which I couldn't understand because we received Emma’s and Ronnie’s scores with their first report cards. Anyways, I read through all of the scores and realized he scored Advanced in all of the categories. There was one category that he was almost in the proficient range but it was still above that line and in Advanced.

I showed them to Scott and we read them again and again. Now, the state test was altered because of the Special Ed class he’s in. But he still scored Advanced people!!

Then, after a hard day at work for me and Scott having a job interview (that is very stressful in my opinion) and then Scott was interviewed by local news because we are trying to get our town to put in speed humps on our street because of crappy-ass drivers, I think we both lost our minds and went a little crazy for a few minutes.

Scott said Our Son is the Valedictorian of the Special Ed class right now. And we just went with it. Cracking jokes about it. So horrible. I know.

Believe it or not we weren’t mean about it. I will never be mean about how well Ethan does or does not do in school. I was told when he was in Kindergarten that he would never be able to learn, the school tester told me Ethan was retarded, not Autistic, and that we should just put him in a home and leave him alone. Stupid ass school tester. I should have punched him in the nose when he said that, alas, I’m not a violent person.

Not only can Ethan learn but he’s pretty damn smart. His memory is Awesome too!

My mom thought we were horrible. How can you crack jokes at your son’s expense she asked me. She asks me this a few times a month. I love my mother but she still hasn’t grasped that if I don’t make jokes and laugh then I am going to cry. Mom, please understand this!! Laughing is my preferred method of dealing with life.

Scott and I are avid watchers of the show Parenthood, it airs Tuesday nights on NBC. One of the sets of parents have a son with Asperger’s. There has probably been one episode since this show started that hasn’t made me cry. When the son was diagnosed I cried because all the emotions that were written for the parents to portray I had. The excitement the son feels for certain things makes the parents feel hopeful that he is finally on his way to being “normal”. Ok, this hasn’t been said but that’s how I take it because I’ve been there too.

Last night’s episode had the boy (Max), his father, and grandfather shopping for chips and beer and I don’t know what else if anything. Max had a small meltdown in the chip aisle but the dad managed to get Max to compromise over the amount of chips they should buy. A little crisis avoided. Then they roll up to the cash register to pay for their junk food and it’s the 10 items or less aisle. The customer in front of them has 17 items, we find this out because Max counts them and then starts removing some of the other guy’s items, much to the dad’s dismay. The other guy freaks out a little bit, understandably. Dad sends Max and Grandpa back to get more chips. While they are gone the other guy is muttering about how Dad should learn to control his son and how he feels sorry for Dad for having a retard. Dad hauls off and punches this other guy. Wrong way to handle this situation but I couldn’t help but cheer and laugh and cry all at the same time.

How many other parents of Autistic, Asperger’s, Special Needs of any kind, have had their child have a total melt down in a store and get looks and comments and outright disgust over what is going on. I’ve been saddened by some of the things I’ve been told, I’ve been humiliated, angered, pretty much any emotion out there. All due to a meltdown Ethan has had in a store. I’ve learned how to avoid them or if one does start I’m very good at stopping them almost right away anymore.

There are a few people I’ve wanted to haul off and punch, body slam, or just hurt physically because of their comments. If a child, doesn’t matter the size of the child, is having a meltdown, let the parents handle it.

Don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong and what I should change. Because You Don’t Know. Unless you’ve been there. And still I wouldn’t dare tell another parent what to do because every special needs child is different and you cannot treat them the same when it comes to calming methods.

Off to have my Head of the Special Ed Class read to me now!

Happy Halloween

Walked out of my house to get into my car to drive to the grocery store to pick up some things we needed and hubby and I found that my windshield had been smashed with what looks like a golf club. The smashed part is right in the drivers view. So angry about that. I love my house and neighborhood but this is the 4th time a window has been smashed in one of our vehicles in the past 3 years or so. And when the windows are at least $200 a pop it starts to hurt after a while.
Along with all the eggings and silly stringing I'm fed up with it.
I'm tired of punks doing this crap. I know we live in a small town but there are plenty of things to do that doesn't include destroying other peoples property.
We are very close to pissing off our neighbors and installing flood lights on the corners of our house and putting cameras up so we can start catching the jerks and have something to turn over to the police so we don't have to pay to replace windows that are destroyed. I know we can turn this into insurance since we have a police report but I still can't drive it until the windshield is fixed.

I'm just angry and trying extremely hard not to let it ruin the kids' Halloween and trick-or-treaing

It's 12:45am on Halloween morning

And hubby and I are still up. Watching Starship Troopers on VOD. Ronnie and Emma are spending the night with friends and Ethan and Harley have been asleep for a few hours. We should really go to bed because I can guarantee they will be up begging for breakfast in just a few hours. And then they will want to carve the pumpkins that we picked last Sunday and have just neglected/procrastinated on carving until now. And make the Halloween cookies and cake I promised. I'm not a bad mom, I promise, just Queen Procrastinator!
Between work, homework for the kids, worrying about Scott and his lack of work and his diabetic problems that just seem to have compounded 100x since he lost his job back in April, I just don't have the energy sometimes to do all the fun stuff the kids want to do.
The doc ended up getting Scott into seeing an Endicrinologist, who put him on the insulin named U-500, which is on the governments dangerous drug list because of how potent it is. Even one unit miscalculation in drawing the insulin and it could send him into a diabetic coma. He was managing his diabetes so well until he was laid off. He actually did just fine managing it up until 3 months ago. I truly believe that lack of work has sent him into depression and that is screwing with his body. He eats right and we work out 5-6 days a week. Ok, so the gym we put on the back burner for a couple of weeks but we are slowly getting back into the groove. His sugars will crash around 3am every morning no matter what we do the night before. I sleep maybe 3 hours a night anymore because I know it's coming and if I'm not awake to help him it takes him so much longer to recover. The lack of sleep is taking a toll on my body and I'm afraid I might get sick soon.
Scott has applied at probably every company in our area now, whether he is qualified or not. Just in the hopes that someone will see he's willing to learn and hire him.

So I should go to bed before 3am comes and sleep for a couple of hours and maybe, just maybe the boys will let me sleep in in the morning. Maybe I can bribe them with a pancake lunch? We shall see.

Happy Halloween Everyone

I really do love my life, I promise

I’ve decided we live in an absolutely crappy area for an autistic child. Why? I read blogs from other mom’s talking about the cool stuff museums, zoos, theaters, and probably quite a few more places, do fun and exciting things for autistic people. I’ve approached our local theater to host a “sensory” showing for any kids movie out there but they can’t seem to decide if that would be a good idea or not. For this type of showing the lights wouldn’t be all the way down, just dimmed, you could bring your own snacks, your child could get up and wander around the theater without you having to worry that someone will get angry because the freak kid can’t sit still, and you get to interact with other parents of disabled children. This would be a movie just for people with sensory issues and their families. I know it would take some advertising and might not do very well the first few times around but once families learned about it I think it would sell out.

When I called our local theater management office about this the lady said she would pass the message on but sounded like it was a horrible idea, almost like she was afraid she would catch something from a disabled child.



One blog in particular talks about how she is so very thankful for some of the parents she is friends with because their children are autistic as well. These parents “get” what life is like and let you vent about anything and everything. She said she can talk about her son’s issues or not talk about them. They can just sit around and she doesn’t need to worry about having to explain anything. They just know.



I would love to have more friends for hubby and I to hang out with, go to dinner and or a movie with, have drinks somewhere, bbq’s and get togethers. I don’t know if that will ever happen. We used to have friends to do these things with but the older Ethan got and the more they realized that I wasn’t blowing smoke up their asses when I said he was autistic the more our friends disappeared. Or spent the time we did spend together letting me know of all these alternative treatments that they swear would cure him of his autism because her best friend in California did this for her 2 autistic sons and now they are both totally cured forever. We’ll see about that.



I admit, I pulled away from them, they really didn’t pull away from us. I was tired of getting invited over and being told no kids tonight please and we show up and everyone else’s kids are there. Well, Shannon, you’re son IS such a handful and we never know how he’s going to be so it’s just easier, you know, if he stays home. You know, in his comfort zone. Bullshit no one wants to deal with my reality. They want to stay in their own alcohol induced, perfect child who is gifted beyond their years, reality. I’m not jealous I promise. Maybe bitter but not jealous. I got tired of putting on a happy face and saying "that's ok". He is, after all, happier at home. BS



Ethan is gifted in his own way. He hates math but excels at it in school. He reads to himself and on good days to his little brother. He sees a movie once and can quote it word for word along with acting out all the scenes. A little disturbing to see an almost 6ft tall 14 year old “flying” around the yard pretending he’s Iron Man but he’s happy and I still think it’s adorable.



Right now hubby and I are going through life pretending we are fine without the friends to go out with. That work and home is enough for me and being a stay at home dad is enough for him. But it’s not. Some may say we are selfish but who cares. Everyone needs some time to themselves, every couple needs a little time away from their kids, and everyone deserves to be around people that are understanding.

I am borrowing this from http://lovethatmax.blogspot.com.

Top 20 Reasons Moms of Kids With Special Needs ROCK

1. Because we never thought that “doing it all” would mean doing this much. But we do it all, and then some.
2. Because we’ve discovered patience we never knew we had.
3. Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times, 1,000 times if that’s what it takes for our kids to learn something new.
4. Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them. TAKE THAT, nay-saying doctors of the world.
5. Because we have bad days and breakdowns and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.
6. Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, the rude remarks. Well, mostly gracefully.
7. Because we manage to get ourselves together and get out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good.
8. Because we are strong. Man, are we strong. Who knew we could be this strong?
9. Because we aren’t just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches, and cheerleaders. Whew.
10. Because we work overtime every single day.
11. Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate or Pirate's Booty or gourmet cheese, which aren't reimbursable by insurance as mental-health necessities but should be.
12. Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need us more.
13. Because we give our kids with special needs endless love, and then we still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our family. And our hairstylist, of course.
14. Because we inspire one another in this crazy blogosphere every single day.
15. Because we understand our kids better than anyone else—even if they can’t talk, even if they can’t gesture, even if they can't look us in the eye. We know. We just know.
16. Because we never stop pushing for our kids.
17. Because we never stop hoping for them, either.
18. Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not OK, but we deal. Somehow, we always deal, even when it seems like our heads or hearts might explode.
19. Because when we look at our kids we just see great kids. Not "kids with cerebral palsy/autism/Down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever label."
20. Because, well, you tell me.



I particularly like #4. I’ve been told that Ethan is so mentally retarded that he would never learn anything and I should just accept that and put him in a home and basically forget about him. The day I was told this I was so sick and should have been home wrapped up in blankets and doped up on some kind of medicine. I had tested positive for strep throat, tonsillitis, and bronchitis all at one time. I was feeling like I would keel over and die at any moment sick.

But I had an appointment at the school for Ethan’s test results, he was in Kindergarten at this time, and I wasn’t about to miss this particular appointment.



After the so called doctor informed me that my son was so mentally retarded I should just put him in a home and forget about him because he would never be able to learn or amount to anything. I burst into tears. I was mortified! I managed to calm myself down and just walked out of the building. It was also a cold, rainy day and I felt like Eeyore at that moment. Like nobody loved me and what was I going to do now.

The next appointment to go over the test results again but this time with his teacher, the principal, and the special ed teacher went much better. I was feeling better and had my voice back. I’d also had lots of time to take in what the weenie told me and was ready to fight.

I realized Ethan did horrible on all their little tests because he just didn’t like the guy. At that time Ethan hated to be touched. The only people that could get away with touching Ethan were myself and his sister, Emma. I found that this weenie was a touchy feely person. The first thing I asked the weenie was what makes him think he should be touching a child that might possibly have any kind of special needs. The only thing he could say was he was a touchy feely person and meant nothing by it. I informed him I wasn’t blaming him of anything but maybe, just maybe my son didn’t like to be touched by anyone for any reason. Huh, he hadn’t thought of that…

I went on to say that my son was not mentally retarded and even if he was I would never, in my worst nightmare, dream of putting him in a home and forgetting about him. That is when the principal spoke up and agreed with the weenie. Apparently she had done the same thing with one of her children. I informed the weenie that Ethan would learn, no matter what, that I would do everything in my power and then some to make sure he had a full and happy life with our family, not in some home.

Even though that was 9 years ago it still makes me so, so angry. I put Ethan through so much testing with pediatric psychologists and pediatric neurologists to get the “diagnosis” of High Functioning Autism with a side of Tourette’s and OCD.

I actually saw the weenie a few months ago and for some reason he remembered me. Can’t imagine why. I’m sure it had nothing to do with my scathing words at his incompetency all those years ago. He asked about Ethan and I told him he was doing wonderfully. He was reading almost at grade level, math a couple years behind grade level, and what he was diagnosed with. After that I just walked away. I don’t know what he thought of that and I don’t care.

Ethan is happy and that is what matters.

I am frustrated and apprehensive right now. Scott has been out of a job for almost 3 weeks now and as far as I know he’s applied at just one place. Supposedly they need help but they are leery to hire him. He’s worked there before but quit because he was constantly passed over for promotions and the last time he was passed over for one was the last straw because they gave it to a guy who had pending sexual harassment charges against him and he’d been caught stealing lots of money, they even had the guy on tape, but they still gave this winner the promotion. Scott was loyal to this place for almost 6 years, working overtime on his days off when someone called in sick or just didn’t show up for work, went in early, stayed late, was the go-to guy. If a customer had a question Scott could answer it right away. If a co-worker had a problem or a question they went to Scott. To this day when he goes in to that store to buy auto parts he’s bombarded with questions about parts by the people who work there and know who he is.

They are also afraid to hire him back because the people that worked there before the company was sold are having a hard time adjusting to the new company’s rules. Even though it’s been over a year that they have worked under this new company’s name some of the employees can’t seem to follow the new rules. Scott never had an issue with that. He managed to adapt to the new rules right away.

I finally broke down and told him he needs to just start applying at other places now. I know home depot is hiring in our area and he even picked up an application for the theaters. I told him today to turn in that application and go apply at home depot. We keep getting told that walmart is hiring part time but neither of us want him working there. We’ve hear too many horror stories from ex-employees.

I just need to keep my fingers crossed and breathe. And pray.

And is it selfish of me to want to keep our gym membership? We have worked out all week and problems seem easier to deal with after working out.

Braces

Scott is mad at me. I should actually say I hurt his feelings so he’s upset with me.

Anyone who knows us understands that Ethan and Scott really don’t get along. Scott just can’t or won’t (not sure which it is truthfully) understand that there are many times when we have to give Ethan a little more attention and understanding and lots of extra patience. Ethan gets very upset with Scott quite a bit. I am often a mediator between the two, calming one or both down. It’s very mentally exhausting.

Today was Ethan’s consultation with an orthodontist. Scott picked up Ethan from school and then picked me up at work and we all three went to the ortho. In public those two try hard to get along and turn their bickering into a form of teasing, they both laugh about things but you can still see a glint of anger in both of their eyes’.

Today was no different. We got through the consultation and decided to go ahead and have Ethan get braces. He did fine during x-rays and Scott did the normal ribbing, don’t move, don’t smile, don’t don’t don’t. When we say don’t do something that is normally when Ethan does do the something. It’s like he can’t stop himself. All during x-rays Scott would say don’t smile and Ethan would get a huge grin on his face. Ethan, don’t move. He would flap his arms.

I was doing ok up until the impression time came. We have tried to do impressions before and Ethan ended up gagging and then got so upset about gagging that he threw up all over me. At least it wasn’t all over the dental tech that was trying to get the impressions done.

When the tech started mixing the goo to take the impressions Scott started in on Ethan about not gagging or puking. One jab after another. I finally asked Scott to stop it, there was no need to get him all riled up about this and have him psyched out about puking again. Scott just stared at me and finally said I can see I’m not needed here. And then he walked back to the waiting area and watched Monster’s Inc.

Ethan managed to get through impressions with very little gagging. The tech had Ethan laying down almost flat and he immediately started with the noises. I asked if he could sit up, that it might be easier for all of us. Once I got her to agree to try that it was smooth sailing. The dental tech even thanked me, I think she was panicking about dealing with Ethan. I had made sure to let them know he is Autistic so they would know to have extra patience with him.

When I set up the appointment the first thing I said to the receptionist was that Ethan is Autistic and please tell me now if someone there can’t handle it so I can go elsewhere. I told her that his very first dental experience was a bad one, with name calling and a dental tech that even smacked Ethan’s hands. She assured me that there would definitely be none of that and what a horrible thing to have to live through.

I am very sure that I will be happy with this orthodontist. They were all very nice and patient with us.

When Ethan and I got in the truck after the appointment was over I did apologize to Scott and explained why I asked him to stop. I just did not feel the need for Ethan to get upset and make himself throw up on purpose when it could be something that we avoided.



We took Ethan back to school, Scott brought me back to work, I asked Scott if he would bring me a sandwich for lunch because I’d forgotten to make my lunch this morning, I got out of the truck when he never answered me and he proceeded to drive off without a word to me.

Scott’s mad and/or hurt, Ethan’s worried about getting braces, and I get to fork over only $1650 for braces.

Thank God for insurance.

One week

I really don't know how many jobs Scott has applied for in the past week. I know he put in an application at his old employer and has an interview Monday. That job will be better than nothing and he will be back to working with car parts again.

I'm still worried about bills. I have a feeling I might have to give up my car. And I really don't want a repo on our credit but I'm not sure what choice I might have. I'm going to call the bank tomorrow and explain what is going on and see what they say and hope for the best.

I'm so worried about all of this I'm not sleeping and all I want to do is eat. I hate when I get that way. One good thing is I'm sick with a nasty sinus infection so that helps with the eating thing. Nothing sounds good or smells good when I actually go look for food. So at least I'm not snacking all the time.

I'm so worried that I cry while I drive to work and while I'm alone at work. I try not to think about home life at work but can't help it when everyone asks me how Scott's job hunt is going. When I try to talk about my worries with Scott he says he understands and then changes the subject.

I tried again tonight to discuss bills and what we should do about them but he just patted me on the arm and said it will be ok.
We haven't spoken in over an hour now.

I understand he's still down about losing his job but we still have bills to pay and food to put on the table. He won't even go to the unemployment office. He keeps saying he wants to be a stay at home dad. I wouldn't have a problem with that if we didn't have bills, groceries, 4 growing kids, constant supplies for 3 different schools, dogs, turtles, and who knows what else.

This week I've called in to work sick a couple of days because of my sinus infection. It was so bad that I couldn't sit up without getting so dizzy I would feel sick. Both days he laid in bed with me and played on his laptop and watched tv while I tried to sleep. Yesterday and today I've been at work and he's done the same thing from what I understand. Except he took a break to bring me lunch.

I love him and I'm having a hard time just biting my tongue about this. I have no idea how I would react if I were to get laid off. I'm sure I would want to lay in bed and be depressed, in fact I probably would for a few days. And Scott would be in my position. But he's not a worrier. He is sure everything will be ok no matter what. I'm a born worrier. Everything makes me worry. I'm surprised I don't have ulcers.

Hopefully something will happen soon and I just pray I have the strength to keep my mouth shut and support him in anything he needs or wants to do. And not be a nag.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

Tax Day

And who the hell cares.
Scott was laid off today and taxes are the least of my worry now. Granted, I got ours done a month ago.

So, we told the kids at dinner what was going on. Harley has no clue, he's too young to worry thank god. Ethan has no clue, obvious reason, he's Autistic. Emma worried about vacation and when we assured her we were still going, just a much smaller one, she was like, oh well, dad will get another job soon anyways. She just doesn't get what we were trying to tell her about the economy and that it might be a while this time. Oh well, she will understand soon enough. Ronnie thought we were joking at first and when he realized we weren't didn't really say anything. The subject changed pretty fast, no one wants to think about the bad news of the day.

After dinner the kids cleaned our new turtle tank and managed to kill the fish that were swimming with the turtles. Now the fish are swimming with the fishes. Harley thought it was so cool that we got to flush the fish down the toilet. I'm wondering if he will want to do that whenever a turtle dies........

We put the kids to bed and now we are in bed. He's on his laptop and I'm on mine and we haven't said a word to each other in over an hour. He's worried and snippy.
I don't blame him at all. Second job he's been laid off from in under a year. At least we know it's not a performance issue, he just happened to be low man on the totem pole and it's a tough economy out there. I don't care how many officials say things are getting better, it's still tough in small towns.

I am going to pray he gets another job soon and nothing happens to my job.
You just never know anymore.

Meanest Mom Ever

I get home from work about 4:20 every day now. I love getting home that early. I have so many choices of things to do before I have to start dinner. I can lay down and nap, read a book, hide from the kids (which is normally what I have to do if I want to read a book), play video games with the kids, read books to the kids, color, talk to my friend who lives across the street (Harley is “married” to her daughter), or just sit and veg.

Lately I’ve come home to my daughter begging to go somewhere with her friends or cousin. I normally say yes and tell her to be home by 6, when dinner will be ready. There was no school the other day and I worked until 7pm the night before (my manager was on vacation so I closed for her), Emma asked grandma if she could ride bikes with her cousin the night before. My mom said yes, be home at 6:30. Emma finally walked in the door at 7:20, after I called and text her to get her butt home. She didn’t answer my call.

We have a rule for Ronnie and Emma that when they are given permission by one of the adults in the house to go out with a friend, they have to let the other 2 adults know what is going on. Where they will be and what time they were told to be home. Ronnie is finally getting the hang of it but for some reason Emma just can’t seem to grasp the concept.

I made Emma sit down and talk with me about what had gone wrong. She forgot what time grandma told her to be home. She forgot about the rule to let dad and I know what she was doing. I lost my cool. Her constant excuse for almost everything that is wrong is she forgot. I let her know how tired of that excuse I was, it needed to stop, and she could forget about doing anything for a while. I even took her phone away from her.

And I made her cry. Apparently I am officially the meanest mom ever. EVER! She quit saying she hates me a couple of years ago. She realized that every time she said she hated me I would say I love her and hug her. Most of the time she would get over being mad at me pretty quick after that. Now she just calls me the meanest mom ever and slams her door.

And that door slamming! She is so, so close to having her door removed. “What about my privacy”? What about it? Lose the attitude and you can keep your door. Teenagers push my buttons! Having 3 teens in the house is a test of my patience and strength.

I think Ronnie was amused that Emma cried about having her phone taken away. He sat in the chair and just smiled and watched us. Normally he’s the one being talked to by Scott for not letting us know where he is.

My mom keeps teasing me about how I barely made it through ages 12-14 and I'm just getting paid back.

Don't get me wrong but Boys are so much easier than Girls! I love my baby girl and wouldn't trade her for the world but Holy Crap Batman. Teenage Girls and Puberty SUCK.

I was given permission to borrow this from http://lovethatmax.blogspot.com/
I love this!

We, the parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure tranquility (and sanity) and promote the general welfare of our families, do ordain and establish this Bill of Rights.

* We have the right to expect our kids to be seen for who they are as individuals, not as labels or diagnoses.

* We have a right to trust our instincts about our kids and realize that experts don't always know best.

* We have a right to ignore the remarks, questions and stares and not give explanations or excuses for why our children are the way they are.

* We have a right to choose alternative therapies for our kids.

* We have a right to roll our eyes straight out of our heads when we encounter certain mothers who brag nonstop that their kids are the smartest students/best athletes ever.

* We have a right to wonder “What if…” every so often.

* We have a right to play aimlessly with our children. Not for therapeutic or educational purposes—just for fun.

* We have a right to blast Bruce Springsteen/Tom Petty/Any Rocker, down a glass of Pinot Grigio, get a pedicure, go out with the girls or do all of the aforementioned at once if that's what it takes to avoid burnout.

* We have a right to react to people’s ignorance in whatever way we feel necessary.

* We have a right to not always have our child be the poster child for his/her disability and some days be just a child.

* We have a right to go through the grieving process and realize we may never quite be "over it."

* We have the right to give our kids chores. Even better if they can learn to make breakfast in bed for us.

* We have a right to stretch the truth when we fail to do the exercises the therapist asked us to do this week because we were too darn tired or overwhelmed.

* We have a right to have yet more Pinot Grigio.

* We have a right to fire any doctor or therapist who's negative, unsupportive or who generally says suck-y things.

* We have a right to tell family and friends that everything may not be OK—at least not how they mean it, anyway.

* We have a right to hope for an empty playground so we don’t have to look into another child’s eyes and answer the question, “What’s wrong with him?”

* We have a right to bawl on the way back from the playground, the birthday party, the mall or anyplace where our children’s challenges become glaringly obvious in the face of all the other kids doing their typical-development things.

* We have the right to give our children consequences for their behavior. They may be “special” but they can still be a royal pain in the ass.

* We have a right to take a break from Googling therapies, procedures, medicine and treatments for our kids to research upcoming concerts, exotic teas or anything not related to our children’s disabilities.

* We have a right to talk about how great our kids are when people don’t get it.

* We have the right to not always behave as inspirational icons who never complain or gripe about the sometimes awful realities of raising a child with special needs.

* We have a right to expect quality services for our children not just when they’re infants, preschoolers and elementary school age, but when they’re in older grades and adults, too.

* We have a right to adequate funding for those services and to not have to kick, scream or endure a wait for them.

* We have a right to get tired of people saying, as they give that sympathy stare, "I don't know how you do it."

* We have a right to wish that sometimes things could be easier.

* We have a right to cheer like crazy anytime our children amaze us—or weep like lunatics.

* We have a right to push, push and push some more to make sure our children are treated fairly by the world.

April

April is Autism Awareness Month. And tomorrow is April 1st. April Fools Day.

Autism is not a fooling around matter. Well, most of the time. Our household is so full of joking around, even with an autistic teenager mingled in the mix. Ethan still has a hard time understanding most social cues but we are working with him. He is teased just as much as the rest of us, we don't leave him out. One of these days he will get it, maybe. I can hope!

http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer?pagename=homepage

Babies Babies Everywhere

I have slipped into a weird depression. I am so sad that I can no longer have babies and I start crying when I see other people’s babies. Whether I’m in a store or at the park with my kids or even see a baby on TV, it can make me teary.

I knew going into the surgery last September that obviously I would no longer be able to have another baby. I needed the surgery to get rid of all the crap that was in my body and physically I have felt so much better. Mentally is a whole different issue right now. And it started just a few weeks ago.

Physically I feel wonderful. I haven’t lost a lot of weight since the surgery but my strength is back and Scott and I joined a gym and are working out together. We are doing lots of yard work on the weekends and are just keeping active. My clothes fit different and I guess I’ve lost some inches even though the pounds aren’t going away yet. I guess the way to think about it is that I’m gaining more muscle and that will reshape my body.

I would think that keeping active and being outside a lot would keep my mood elevated and I would think that staying so busy I wouldn’t have time to dwell on the fact that I can’t have anymore children. But that’s not the case. I’m to the point where I just want to work because when I’m at work I don’t think about babies. I don’t think about the fact that I can’t have anymore. I just think about work and taking care of the people here. I’m afraid I’m going to start mothering my co-workers and that will not be good. Technically you are supposed to leave personal life at home and make sure you don’t take work home with you so you focus on family when you are at home.

I’ve tried to talk to Scott about it but he just tells me I will be fine and almost blows it off. No one else in my family will understand why I’m feeling this way so I haven’t tried to talk to them. I’m even afraid they will ridicule me. My SIL had a hysterectomy 2 years before I did. She went through something similar and was sad about no more babies even though she knew she wasn’t having any more no matter what. My MIL was upset as well. When word got around to us how my SIL was feeling I was curious how someone could be sad about the fact of no more monthly visitor, especially when you know you aren’t having anymore babies. I never made fun of her or made light of how she was feeling but my SIL and MIL were still extremely upset with me and didn’t speak to me for a few months.

I’m afraid if I tell them I’m feeling the same thing they will become catty and mean. That’s the way they are anymore. Scott has 2 sister’s, the younger one is the one that had the hysterectomy and the older one lives in Dallas. The older sister had a falling out with my in-laws and so now my in-laws refuse to speak to her, about her, have anything to do with her kids. They expect the rest of us to do the same. It’s a silly reason why they aren’t speaking to each other but to totally cut a child and grandchildren out of your life is something I just can’t comprehend. This is why I’m afraid to tell anyone else how I’m feeling. I know they won’t cut me out of their life but I don’t want to listen to the catty remarks and bitchy tones and have them call me a hypocrite when I’m not one. No matter how many times I tried to explain that I just didn’t understand why she felt the way she did they always took it as me just being mean and snotty and not having any feelings.

And anyone who reads this will probably recommend therapy. I’m debating it but not sure if I really want to start that just yet.

If I don’t start feeling better in a couple of weeks I’ll call my preacher and talk to him. It’s free and he is a great listener and wouldn’t make me feel like my feelings are silly.

What’s With All the Hubabub Bub?

http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2010/02/03/2193058.aspx link to article

On MSNBC there is an article about White House Chief of Staff meeting with the head of the Special Olympics. Over a slur back in August. Here is a quote from the article; “It was reported that Emanuel told a liberal strategy session last August that liberals who were planning attack ads on conservative Democrats over health care were "F...ing retarded."
And Sarah Palin has to get involved, she is all butt hurt about this. Why? Her son has Down Syndrome, he’s not mentally retarded. There is a difference.
So I guess Emanuel meeting with the Special Olympics and apologizing will make it all ok.
You know, it was just a comment. I don’t think he meant anything, he was voicing his opinion on how stupid he thought the attack was.
And since Sarah Palin got upset over this then how many other people with disabled family members will take offense as well. So many people are followers and have a hard time thinking for themselves. If someone like Sarah Palin was offended than you should be too!
I remember hearing about this back in August but it never phased me. Maybe because my son is Autistic not retarded but even if Ethan were retarded I don’t believe I would have taken offense.
While I was in Junior High and High School I worked with special needs children. They had all kinds of problems from mental retardation, down syndrome, and even one autistic child. I’ve heard more than one mentally retarded person say “I’m retarded not stupid”.
When a retarded person says they are retarded not stupid and they know the difference than what’s the problem here? Emanuel’s comment was most likely not thought out, he spoke without thinking like every one else does.
Everyone who is bashing Emanuel has never said something they shouldn't have?
Not that I’m saying what he said was right. Certainly having the position he does should make him realize he needs to take the time to think about every word that is going to come out of his mouth before he speaks in public.

Feeling Horrible

But this time for a different reason. Physically I am finally starting to feel better. One good thing about this illness is losing 11 lbs. Not the right way to lose it I know but hopefully with all the WII games we are playing I can keep it off.

I feel horrible today because today Ronnie was supposed to get his driver's license. I made sure I had all the paper work ready to go and he had all of his ready to go. We get to the DMV and wait until our number is called and get up there only to have the lady tell me that my registration is expired. My stomach dropped to my knees. I thought to myself "Stupid, you should have checked that at the same time you checked your insurance card and found that it was out of date". I didn't know what to say so I did something I never thought I would stoop to, begged the nice DMV lady to see if could get a printed copy since we were you know at the DMV and then he could still take the test to get his license today. Nope, they were unable to do that. So we had to make another appointment and I get to find my missing registration. The correct sticker is on my license plate so who knows what I did with the card. I will say that DMV lady was very nice and pretty cute too.

I am sure Ronnie is upset and disappointed but he said oh well, shit happens mom, let's go. He's been wonderful about it to my face. Who knows what he's said to his friends though. Oh well, he has every right to be upset with me.

And when I told my husband what has happened he has grilled me through texting. Why wasn't the new registration card in the car all along, when did you get the new card, why didn't you check on this over the weekend so I would be ready for today. And quite a few other questions. I finally quit answering so the last message I got from him was I love you.

You know, I know I should have checked to make sure everything was in order. I know I should have done it over the weekend so it would be done, instead of rushing to get things gathered at 11:30 last night. But why didn't he help me. This next thought is extremely mean of me but it went through my head before I even realized what I was thinking. Why am I doing this for your son, why aren't you taking the afternoon off to go with your son to get his drivers license. You would think a milestone like that he would want to do with his son. Don't get me wrong, I love Ronnie. I enjoy doing things with him. I have no problems, for the most part, with him. I say for the most part because he is a teenage boy and there is always some kind of drama going on with teenagers.
So, I'm getting grilled for not being prepared. Scott's treating me like a child instead of his wife that made a mistake.

In my defense I have been sick. I've also been working alot, still. The overtime is back in full swing due to more additions at work. I just happened to take half a day off in anticipation of sitting at the DMV for the afternoon.

He's on his way home from work now so we shall see what is said when he gets home. And I must start dinner now. And yet again I am unprepared because I have no idea what I'm making my family for dinner!!

Go Me

I Went to the Doctor

Scott made me go to the doctor last night when I got home from work. Probably a good thing because it turns out I have more than just a head cold. I'm one sick momma.

Are you ready?!??!?!

I have sinusitis, lymph nodes are infected, both ears infected, strep throat, and tonsillitis. Where in the hell did all of these things come from?

I haven't been around anyone that I'm aware of that has been this sick. All these germs were just floating along in the air and decided to land on me. And make me sick and not want to drink or eat anything.

It hurts to have air go down my throat. You think I'm going to eat or drink anything when just air hurts? Hell No

Supposedly I'm not contagious so I went to work today. Stupid. By the end of the day I felt horrible and cried all the way home. Which was stupid again because of all the damn snow on the ground. It snowed enough last night school was cancelled today. Oh, and to go along with the snow was the rain. So tomorrow should be a blast with all the damn black ice that will surely form over night. And yes, I'm going to work tomorrow too.

Do ya think I would have gotten any rest if I'd stayed home today with the kids being home too? Nope, I don't think so. Well, I might have because my husband made me put my pj's on and get in bed as soon as I walked in the door today. Oh yes, his office closed today due to the bad weather. But will mine ever do that? Heck no.

And guess what. Not one person has come in to my room and asked if I need anything or how I'm doing since I came to bed. I slept for maybe 10 minutes and then my body started aching. And now I'm a big ball of whiny, sick, BITCH. I hate being sick. I wish the damn antibiotics would kick in so I could start feeling better. And now I'm hungry. But I'm still not going to eat or drink anything until my throat quits hurting.

So they might have left me alone to rest today.

Now that my bitchy side has come out and I've ranted some more maybe I should suck it up and eat some soup and take some more Advil and go to bed. It's almost 10pm and I have to go to work in the morning.

Oh, and school is delayed for tomorrow already. And that could change to canceled again.

Bright side is I'm going to see the movie The Lovely Bones with my SIL tomorrow. We both read the book and we are looking forward to seeing the movie.

Rant Time I wrote this yesterday at work

Holy Crap I feel like Crap

The past couple of nights here have been snowy and cold. The days have been sunny and slushy. And to go along with all this wonderful wet weather I have a horrible cold. The left side of my head feels as if it's going to implode one minute and the next like its going to explode. My left eye and sinus are pulsing with the pressure and it feels so WEIRD. I've taken Mucinex and I've consumed lots of liquids, water, hot tea, even coffee. I've gargled salt water for my throat. Oh, today I've even lived on Advil. But nothing has touched the pain or pressure or congestion.

My husband is mad at me. He gets mad at me every time I'm sick. He claims he gets mad because I don't go to the doctor but what can a doctor really do for a cold. And with the way everyone goes to the doctor for every little thing who knows what else I could catch while I sit for hours in the waiting room, just waiting for my turn to see the doctor, only to have him tell me keep up what I'm doing and in another week or so I'll be fine.

Now, back to the whole mad at me every time I'm sick. It has nothing to do with me seeing a doctor or not seeing a doctor. When I had the hysterectomy he was mad. he knew it was coming, it's not like I sprung the news on him the night before the surgery. he was fine from the time he heard the news until the second we walked into the hospital to check me in. Then he was angry and snippy with me. He stayed that way until I was home from the hospital for a few days.

Why? Why does he get mad when I'm sick or hurt? It just makes me feel worse. Almost like I've done something wrong when I know I've done nothing wrong.

So, Ok. I could go to the doctor but again, it's a head cold. I don't want to pay a co-pay to have the doc tell me this. Plus, I've got a job, I've got 4 kids, and I've got him. Taking care of all those things is a full time job for 2 1/2 people. I tell him that and what happens?

He goes into the whole spiel of I need to take care of myself as well. I bring up taking time for myself and my family freaks out! I literally have to hide in the bathroom with the door locked to be able to take even 5 minutes to read a book. But they normally track me down and I put my book down to go do whatever they need done or to look at the picture they just colored or the score on the WII game they just played or countless other things that kids do.

I love my kids and that's why I put my book down to see what they are up to. I have an excellent relationship with them and want to keep it that way.

I know, I need to take care of myself and keep myself sane and healthy to be able to live a long life to keep those good relationships.

That is something I need to work on again