Friday, April 27, 2007

Fearless Friday (this is probably way too long!) & Mother Talk

I received an email to join something called MotherTalk. Today's topic is overcoming fears and anxieties that I, as a mother, have overcome. Here is a link on today's topic

There are just so many things and I really have no idea where to start.
I was painfully shy in elementary school and middle school. I started gaining weight around 10 years old and that is when my shyness kicked in. It didn't help that my granny, who lived with mom and myself, always picked on me for how much I weighed and how much I ate. Then she would turn around and yell at me for not cleaning my plate every single day. I grew to fear my granny and hated to be around her alone. Life was OK when mom was home but there were a few times that mom was away for more college classes or jury duty. She seemed to be called to a statewide jury duty quite often.
My sophomore year of high school was hard. I rarely saw my friends and found it so hard to just smile at others and say HI every day. Towards the end of the year I did eventually make a few friends, and most of those friendships are still going strong. The hard part of high school was bringing my friends home. My granny was always there to ridicule or call me names, especially if I had a boyfriend with me. I did come out of my shell enough to date two guys.
When my mom re-married when I was 16 I was so afraid she would make me stay with granny while she moved in with her new husband. I have no idea what I thought that. I'm an only child and it had been just Me and Mom for 14 years so I should have realized that mom would never abandon me. I was so happy when they were back from their honeymoon and helping me pack up my bedroom to move the 10 whole houses up the street where my step dad lived.
Four years later my step dad passed away. By then I was working full time for Sears and just kind of plodding through life. At that time I wasn't dating anyone and had no idea where my life was headed. I ended up re-discovering a boy I went to elementary school with. His family also attended the same church for many years.
His family moved back to town and was just waiting until his date rolled around to head off to boot camp. He had joined the Navy. We ended up getting married while he was home on leave just after boot. I truly believed then that I loved him. I hope I loved him a little to marry him and move to California.
The first couple of months were happy and carefree. I did the little wife bit and decorated the small base apartment we lived in, did the cleaning and cooking and made sure everything was always nice for my husband when he came home every night. The first time his ship got under way it was so hard. I had never, ever lived by myself and I was staring at 2 months, all alone. I had spent so much time working on my house and making sure my husband was happy that I didn't stop to think about friends again. I spent two long months looking for a job to keep myself occupied.
When the ship pulled back in to port and my husband found out I was looking for a job he showed a mean, angry side I had never seen. He didn't physically hurt me then but I've come to learn the mental and emotional abuse can hurt almost as bad.
The base we lived on closed down so we moved to Air Force housing about 20 miles away. By the time we were settled he told me to get a job or get out. I got a job and all seemed OK. I told myself over and over just do what he says and he will be happy with me and life will be OK. Every time I turned around there was some new rule, or else. I couldn't cut my hair. I couldn't loose weight. That one I never understood, most men want their wives to loose weight. I wasn't allowed to. He wanted to keep me chubby so I wouldn't be tempted to find another man or another man wouldn't find me attractive. I couldn't have friends or do anything but work and go home. By the time I realized how stupid I was for staying I realized I was pregnant.
I was torn between staying and putting up with the abuse just so the baby would know his father or running away, not even running home, just away some place we wouldn't be found so the baby would never know his father. I ended up staying and dealing with an even worse temper and his cheating. Oh, he was happy to be a father but it angered him to see me happy being pregnant.
After I had our son he promised he would be nicer and better. We had to move again and when our son was just 4 months old a horrible fight turned into him forcing me to have sex. I don't call it rape anymore, I did give in and he did use a condom, that broke, and resulted in a daughter 8 months later. She came early and the only reason the doctors could think of, besides his constant smoking, was the stress I was under. She was perfectly healthy for being early.
By the time our daughter was a couple months old the physical abuse started and I stayed for another 2 years, living through another move (this time up to Washington State) before I had the means and the courage to leave. He fought me on the divorce, trying to intimidate me to tear up the papers and move back to Washington with him. He, of course, had his parents believing that I was the one in the wrong. He made the mistake of letting his temper come to life in his parents' garage and had me cornered, with a raised fist, when his dad walked in. After that his dad helped me file the divorce papers.
By now I was living with my mom and granny again. I found a great job and was looking for a place to call our own. The kids were growing so fast and I was cowering in the corners of my heart and mind. I put on a false face at work and no one at work knew what my past was like.
For all of my shyness I still craved being around a man and knowing that I was wanted and needed by someone other than my children. I started dating a co-worker that was 7 years younger than me and that was more destructive than my marriage. By the time I realized this I had done so many things I never thought I would. I left the house every night as soon as I put my kids to bed, not even bothering to wait until they were asleep. I thank God every day for my mom putting up with the stupidity I put us all through for almost a year. She never once complained, at least not out loud, about my behaviour and how horrible I was acting.
By the time the "relationship" with the younger guy ended I decided no more men for a very long time. I needed to find out how to be a grown up on my own without someone for me to lean on and rely on. I needed to learn how to rely on myself.
About the time I was really finding out who I was and was finding a level of confidence I never knew I had my company hired another a new guy. I was nice, as was every one else, and said hi to him when I saw him in the halls or outside. Then came 9/11 and as we all sat in the office watching the devastation and chaos unfold on the East Coast this new guy decided he'd had enough of being single and the tragedy of the day had him feeling like he was lost. And asking me out on a date was a way for him to start on whatever path he felt he needed to be on. We went out a couple of times before he asked if I wanted to bring my kids with us one night. I was amazed, the kid I dated had never wanted to even meet them. I suggested dinner at my house for the first time and everything went so well. My kids liked him and he liked them.
Then just a couple of weeks later he scared me by talking about marriage and more babies. We had only dated for 3 weeks. I let him know I wasn't ready to get re-married and I didn't know if I wanted more babies. I broke up with him and he ended up quitting and finding a different job. According to a mutual friend this guy thought he was very much in love with me after only 3 weeks together. It may have been possible but it scared me enough to run and hide under my covers.
I drifted along in my new world of confidence that held the ability to tell people NO when I needed to and was happy. I worked, played softball on a women's team and a co-ed team, I bowled, and I played with my kids.
I overcame the fear of a school diagnostician telling me my son was mentally retarded and would never learn anything. I've had my poor son tested by so many specialists and they have all agreed on one very long diagnosis. He is Autistic, slightly mentally retarded, has Tourette's Syndrome, severe ADHD, and OCD. I told the school principal where she could shove it when she told me I should just put my son in an institution. Come on now, really, what year are we in?
I even overcame the fear of intimacy when I met my husband on a blind date almost 5 years ago. We've been married 4 years now and we did add another baby to our family, we now have 5, hence the Yours, Mine, and Ours title. There are still way too many fears that I have. I keep comparing different milestones in this marriage to my previous marriage and my wonderful husband steers me in the right direction.
He stands by me and holds me when I cry at night because my greatest fear is turning into my Granny. I hated her as much as I loved her. She passed away 9-11-05. I don't want to be as hateful, mean, nasty, spiteful, and horrid as she was. I would have loved to have learned her love of gardening and crocheting and knitting. I kill plants in less than a day and can't crochet even part of a line. I never even tried to knit.
There are days when I can feel anger boiling inside of me because of something one of the kids has done. Then one of them hugs me and I take a deep breath and tell myself that I AM NOT MY GRANNY. I never will be. I love my life, my kids, and my husband. My husband does help keep me grounded, thank god his patience for anything is so high.
Keeping confidence in yourself is one of the hardest things a person can do. Especially for an overweight, staring down middle age, mother of 5. I manage to do it though. I hold my head up high and proud when I'm in a store or out in public. I'm slowly learning not to eat to feel better and I have great friends that have had similar childhood experiences and we are all helping each other.

My Life is Wonderful.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Keep going after this post, there are a couple more new ones!

Mother of the Year

I get the mother of the year award for 2007! I'm such a wonderful mother to my three wonderful kids.

The first reason is Harley. I've talked a little of the potty training woes we are going through right now. Well, last night I plopped him on his trainer seat on the big toilet and walked away. Why did I walk away you ask. Because he won't do anything if someone is in the bathroom with him. Scott was in our bedroom, which is right by the bathroom, so I went to check on Emma. The poor girl stayed home from school with a sour stomach. She was in bed and almost asleep so I got on the bed with her and was rubbing her back when I hear Scott yelling for Harley and myself. Scott runs into Emma's bedroom and asks what's wrong, I tell him nothing is wrong. He said that Harley is hollering for help and he couldn't find him. I told Scott that I left him in the bathroom on the toilet and figured when he was done he would yell for dad. I was wrong. Scott and I ran back to our bathroom and found Harley hollering. He had slipped through his little toilet seat and had his little arms and legs waving in the air as he called for help. How horrible. Everyone was laughing, including Harley, and I was almost in tears because I had walked away and left the poor boy to fall in the toilet. I heard my baby crying like The Fly help me help me help me!

And then this morning I hear Emma screaming and crying at the top of her lungs so I ran out to the living room to see what was wrong. I had just stepped out of the shower so I just threw my pj's back on and had my wet hair dripping down my face and my back. Gross, I really don't like that feeling! Anyways, Emma was sitting on the rocker next to the front door, already dressed, shoes on, her hair pulled back in a cute pony tail. By the time I got her to calm down enough to tell me what was wrong I was so frustrated I was in tears. Her problem? She hated her hair and it looked horrible.

I was ready to throttle her! She had parted her hair down the side and then smoothed it back in a low ponytail. It looked so cute. It took me so long to make her understand that it looked just fine. I also had to convince her that when she is home sick one day and sleeps all day and then all night and doesn't get her hair wet any where in there, then yes, your hair will look funny. I told her if she didn't eat breakfast and brush her teeth in the next 15 minutes she was going to miss the bus and then she was going to have an unexcused absence from school because I wouldn't take her. She made it to the bus on time.

I'm being bad again and typing this at work and it's already time to go so I'm going to end this now.

More later!

I'm home and aboutto head to bed. I would already be there but Scott decided to pull the carpet out of the bathroom. Now. Tonight. At 10:00 at night. After we finished most of a bottle of wine between us. I'm sleepy!

We've planned to do this for a while now but apparently he got a bug up his butt to do it tonight.

I did it again. I plopped Harley on the trainer toilet seat and walked away. This time he peed in the potty! And he got his M&M's. I know, BAD MOM for bribing the toddler to pee in the toilet. It really hasn't worked though so I don't feel too bad.

He did have an accident earlier this evening but he tried so hard to get to the bathroom before pooing. He did sit on the potty for about 5 minutes and Scott and Harley both gave up but Harley ran back less than a minute later and the poo was already out of his butt. Lovely vision right now, I'm sure.

We are slowly getting there. Too slowly for my taste but everyone always says you can't rush this and it won't do any good to push him because he'll start when he is ready. I just wish he would start when I am ready!

Ok, I'm done for the night.

Good Night All

I found my Spring Break Post

We all survived Spring Break ( I wrote this around April 1st)
Just barely!
Last week was Spring Break in these here parts. Lots of other parents all over the country were in the same boat. Kids were at home to run amok and cause mayhem and madness everywhere.
I worked Monday as I normally would and had Tuesday off. I gave in and let Emma have friends spend the night Monday night. I had three extra kids running around the house, squealing, eating, running, laughing, and making cookies.

These cookies were chocolate chip cookies. They smelled good after being in the oven for a few minutes and I thought Emma's first attempt at cookies all by herself would turn out well. The kids kept running into the living room with the bag of chocolate chips that had the recipe to ask me to clarify what was written. Scott kept getting annoyed because we were finally sitting down together to watch Eragon (good movie) and the screaming, laughing kids kept needing help. I answered all the questions, being the wonderfully nice mom that I am.

The oven timer finally goes off and all the kids come running. And then all the kids start screaming even louder. Emma comes running one more time to show me the pan of cookies, that had turned into one big glob of brown stuff. I was puzzled, at first I couldn't figure out what they did wrong to create goo. I finally realized that they forgot to add the flour to the rest of the mixture. When I told them what they did they all started blaming each other and the party was almost ruined. They bickered and argued until I reached over and got a little bit of goo out of the pan and ate it. It tasted just fine, they would just have to eat it with a spoon. The pan of goo was gone before morning.

One poor girl kept coughing and I provided cough drops and at bed time some chloraseptic spray. Scott and I went to bed about 1am. Emma woke me up at 2:45 telling me coughing girl was throwing up. I got up and went to the bathroom to find coughing girl holding onto the toilet like she had just stumbled home from binge drinking. The other kids were all standing around her cracking jokes about hair and vomit. I swear they all sounded like a bunch of over 21 girls standing around their pukie friend in some bar bathroom. It was weird.

I helped the girl clean up and asked if she wanted to go home or stay here. She wanted to stay here. So I tucked them all in, 4 kids in a sleep sofa bed, very cozy. Less than an hour later one of the other girls wakes me up because coughing girl threw up again. I got her cleaned up again and she asked to sleep in our recliner. She still didn't want to go home. Ok, got her tucked in with a bucket and a Sprite and went back to bed but didn't go back to sleep. I was too afraid I would have to get up again an hour later. After 2 hours and no sound from the girls I finally dozed off again and was woken up by Harley at 11am! I haven't slept until 11am in years, since before having kids!

I got up and made enough noise that I woke up the kids, they were all still snoozing away of course. I found that coughing girl had gone home, she just lives across the street, and I panicked. I kept worrying about what her mom was thinking, letting her daughter go home without a phone call that she had been sick all night. I showered, dressed, and ran over there only to find that coughing girl was asleep on the couch and her mom was apologizing to me for her daughter. I let her know there was nothing to apologize for and hopefully she would feel better soon.
The rest of the day was spent traveling up to Durango for the kids' doctors appointments and taking them to an early dinner and then to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory to load them up on sugar! We had all the kids with us still, all but coughing girl, and we did buy coughing girl a treat.

After that the week went by too fast and it was Monday morning again and the kids had to get to school.

I've heard I hate school from Ethan at least 10 times a day since Monday. He's so done with school and it is showing. He refuses to bring home any papers, including his report card, and fighting us on doing homework that does somehow make it home. I've finally convinced the school that B-Level is too much for him and he needs to maybe go back to C-Level so his re-evaluation is next Friday the 13th. Always a lucky day in my house.
We'll see how well that goes before I get my hopes up. He needs a full time aid to help keep him on track.

More on that when the big day is done!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

I found pics of Vegas

Post Spring Break aka the down hill slide to the end of the School Year

Spring Break was a couple of weeks ago. I wrote up a post at work on the last day of Spring Break and saved it and swore I emailed it to myself here at home. Either I'm wrong or I'm crazy or both. I can't find the post in my email so obviously I didn't email it. I'm going to have to email it to myself again for the very first time and post it. Not like anything important was written in it. I want to post it anyways.

What has happened lately.... Ethan has been put back to C level. I know, I was so excited last year that my baby went from D level to B level so fast. As soon as I came down from that high I knew he wouldn't make it. Not that I don't have faith in him but because he was moved so fast and no time to adjust to his new schedule. We just shoved him out of his comfort zone and into main stream school in the blink of an eye. Poor kid has been on overload all year and has finally lost it. His tantrums are back, he is pulling his hair out with tweezers (we have hidden all the tweezers in the house, we probably have too many for one household), he picks at unseen bumps on his arms, and he is back to not sleeping. Since having him put back in C level and only in a main stream class for the fun stuff like P.E. and music and field trips he has calmed down. Not to what he was but we are getting there.

Emma hurt her ankle at the end of basketball and can't play soccer this season. Darn. Can't say I'm missing sitting at the field during practices and getting too hot and then sitting at the games on Saturdays and getting too cold. I really don't appreciate the weather being beautiful during the week and freezing and raining on the weekends. But this spring it is ok because I don't have to leave the house on Saturday unless I want too! We've had some rough patches this year and the doctor switched her meds, which seem to be helping. Her grades are just ok this year. I can't figure that out, last year we had a teacher we both hated and she was on the honor roll all year. This year we have a teacher we both love and her grades are so-so. She came home with her first D. And she got busted for trying to change her first D to an A. After scolding and grounding and being angry I laughed and told her the next time that happened at least change it to a B, which is more believable. Then I told her she better not bring home anything lower than a B on her last report card for this year. In the 4th grade and already trying to change her grades. I'm in trouble.

Harley has been 3 for a couple months now and still refuses to use the toilet. He used to be able to walk around in wet underwear and pants and be ok but now that bothers him. He used to walk around in a poopy diaper until one of us smelled him, and it wouldn't bother him. Now he tells me to change him as soon as he has pooped. I hope we are getting there, to that big potty training light in the sky. I almost spanked him today because he wanted me to pick him up and comfort him because he had fallen off the couch and hurt himself. He was jumping on it and hit the edge just right and tumbled off. I have a feeling he will have a broken limb before he's potty trained! I'm getting more and more frustrated with the little stinker. Anyways, just as I picked him up he pee'd, all over my leg. I refrained from spanking and changed him and myself. He then proceeded to pick on our Brand New Puppy!

Brand New Puppy is a pure bred Pug. And she is adorable. I will post pictures soon. We were supposed to go to Vegas last weekend. We were going to take the kids to the Natural History Museum, see the Titanic adventure, I don't remember now at what hotel, and whatever else we thought would be fun. Scott was told he had a meeting he had to to go the day we were coming back so we had to cancel. I wasn't about to drive 9 hours with 3 kids just to spend one night in Vegas and then drive 9 hours back the next day.

We cancelled that trip and Scott found a site that was selling Pugs. Baby Pugs! I've loved Pugs for such a long time! And I finally have one!

What did we name our Brand New Puppy Pug? We named her Vegas! We are such weird people. I did want to name my Pug Frank, you know, after the Pug on Men In Black but I didn't think Frank fit a girl Pug.

Well, I need to get to painting my kitchen, that project I've had in the works since before Harley was born. Why the rush all of a sudden? Scott applied for a higher position in his company. In Mesa Arizona. If he gets it we will be moving in a few months. And my house is no where near ready to sell.

Guess I'll get busy now.

And Emma keeps reminding me only a year and a couple of weeks until she is in Middle School. And when can she wear makeup?

Is there a way to freeze your kids in time so they can't get older until you are ready for it? I'm already fed up with boys calling her and giving her flowers they've either picked from their mom's gardens or stolen from the school grounds.