Thursday, April 29, 2010


Scott is mad at me. I should actually say I hurt his feelings so he’s upset with me.

Anyone who knows us understands that Ethan and Scott really don’t get along. Scott just can’t or won’t (not sure which it is truthfully) understand that there are many times when we have to give Ethan a little more attention and understanding and lots of extra patience. Ethan gets very upset with Scott quite a bit. I am often a mediator between the two, calming one or both down. It’s very mentally exhausting.

Today was Ethan’s consultation with an orthodontist. Scott picked up Ethan from school and then picked me up at work and we all three went to the ortho. In public those two try hard to get along and turn their bickering into a form of teasing, they both laugh about things but you can still see a glint of anger in both of their eyes’.

Today was no different. We got through the consultation and decided to go ahead and have Ethan get braces. He did fine during x-rays and Scott did the normal ribbing, don’t move, don’t smile, don’t don’t don’t. When we say don’t do something that is normally when Ethan does do the something. It’s like he can’t stop himself. All during x-rays Scott would say don’t smile and Ethan would get a huge grin on his face. Ethan, don’t move. He would flap his arms.

I was doing ok up until the impression time came. We have tried to do impressions before and Ethan ended up gagging and then got so upset about gagging that he threw up all over me. At least it wasn’t all over the dental tech that was trying to get the impressions done.

When the tech started mixing the goo to take the impressions Scott started in on Ethan about not gagging or puking. One jab after another. I finally asked Scott to stop it, there was no need to get him all riled up about this and have him psyched out about puking again. Scott just stared at me and finally said I can see I’m not needed here. And then he walked back to the waiting area and watched Monster’s Inc.

Ethan managed to get through impressions with very little gagging. The tech had Ethan laying down almost flat and he immediately started with the noises. I asked if he could sit up, that it might be easier for all of us. Once I got her to agree to try that it was smooth sailing. The dental tech even thanked me, I think she was panicking about dealing with Ethan. I had made sure to let them know he is Autistic so they would know to have extra patience with him.

When I set up the appointment the first thing I said to the receptionist was that Ethan is Autistic and please tell me now if someone there can’t handle it so I can go elsewhere. I told her that his very first dental experience was a bad one, with name calling and a dental tech that even smacked Ethan’s hands. She assured me that there would definitely be none of that and what a horrible thing to have to live through.

I am very sure that I will be happy with this orthodontist. They were all very nice and patient with us.

When Ethan and I got in the truck after the appointment was over I did apologize to Scott and explained why I asked him to stop. I just did not feel the need for Ethan to get upset and make himself throw up on purpose when it could be something that we avoided.

We took Ethan back to school, Scott brought me back to work, I asked Scott if he would bring me a sandwich for lunch because I’d forgotten to make my lunch this morning, I got out of the truck when he never answered me and he proceeded to drive off without a word to me.

Scott’s mad and/or hurt, Ethan’s worried about getting braces, and I get to fork over only $1650 for braces.

Thank God for insurance.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

One week

I really don't know how many jobs Scott has applied for in the past week. I know he put in an application at his old employer and has an interview Monday. That job will be better than nothing and he will be back to working with car parts again.

I'm still worried about bills. I have a feeling I might have to give up my car. And I really don't want a repo on our credit but I'm not sure what choice I might have. I'm going to call the bank tomorrow and explain what is going on and see what they say and hope for the best.

I'm so worried about all of this I'm not sleeping and all I want to do is eat. I hate when I get that way. One good thing is I'm sick with a nasty sinus infection so that helps with the eating thing. Nothing sounds good or smells good when I actually go look for food. So at least I'm not snacking all the time.

I'm so worried that I cry while I drive to work and while I'm alone at work. I try not to think about home life at work but can't help it when everyone asks me how Scott's job hunt is going. When I try to talk about my worries with Scott he says he understands and then changes the subject.

I tried again tonight to discuss bills and what we should do about them but he just patted me on the arm and said it will be ok.
We haven't spoken in over an hour now.

I understand he's still down about losing his job but we still have bills to pay and food to put on the table. He won't even go to the unemployment office. He keeps saying he wants to be a stay at home dad. I wouldn't have a problem with that if we didn't have bills, groceries, 4 growing kids, constant supplies for 3 different schools, dogs, turtles, and who knows what else.

This week I've called in to work sick a couple of days because of my sinus infection. It was so bad that I couldn't sit up without getting so dizzy I would feel sick. Both days he laid in bed with me and played on his laptop and watched tv while I tried to sleep. Yesterday and today I've been at work and he's done the same thing from what I understand. Except he took a break to bring me lunch.

I love him and I'm having a hard time just biting my tongue about this. I have no idea how I would react if I were to get laid off. I'm sure I would want to lay in bed and be depressed, in fact I probably would for a few days. And Scott would be in my position. But he's not a worrier. He is sure everything will be ok no matter what. I'm a born worrier. Everything makes me worry. I'm surprised I don't have ulcers.

Hopefully something will happen soon and I just pray I have the strength to keep my mouth shut and support him in anything he needs or wants to do. And not be a nag.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Tax Day

And who the hell cares.
Scott was laid off today and taxes are the least of my worry now. Granted, I got ours done a month ago.

So, we told the kids at dinner what was going on. Harley has no clue, he's too young to worry thank god. Ethan has no clue, obvious reason, he's Autistic. Emma worried about vacation and when we assured her we were still going, just a much smaller one, she was like, oh well, dad will get another job soon anyways. She just doesn't get what we were trying to tell her about the economy and that it might be a while this time. Oh well, she will understand soon enough. Ronnie thought we were joking at first and when he realized we weren't didn't really say anything. The subject changed pretty fast, no one wants to think about the bad news of the day.

After dinner the kids cleaned our new turtle tank and managed to kill the fish that were swimming with the turtles. Now the fish are swimming with the fishes. Harley thought it was so cool that we got to flush the fish down the toilet. I'm wondering if he will want to do that whenever a turtle dies........

We put the kids to bed and now we are in bed. He's on his laptop and I'm on mine and we haven't said a word to each other in over an hour. He's worried and snippy.
I don't blame him at all. Second job he's been laid off from in under a year. At least we know it's not a performance issue, he just happened to be low man on the totem pole and it's a tough economy out there. I don't care how many officials say things are getting better, it's still tough in small towns.

I am going to pray he gets another job soon and nothing happens to my job.
You just never know anymore.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Meanest Mom Ever

I get home from work about 4:20 every day now. I love getting home that early. I have so many choices of things to do before I have to start dinner. I can lay down and nap, read a book, hide from the kids (which is normally what I have to do if I want to read a book), play video games with the kids, read books to the kids, color, talk to my friend who lives across the street (Harley is “married” to her daughter), or just sit and veg.

Lately I’ve come home to my daughter begging to go somewhere with her friends or cousin. I normally say yes and tell her to be home by 6, when dinner will be ready. There was no school the other day and I worked until 7pm the night before (my manager was on vacation so I closed for her), Emma asked grandma if she could ride bikes with her cousin the night before. My mom said yes, be home at 6:30. Emma finally walked in the door at 7:20, after I called and text her to get her butt home. She didn’t answer my call.

We have a rule for Ronnie and Emma that when they are given permission by one of the adults in the house to go out with a friend, they have to let the other 2 adults know what is going on. Where they will be and what time they were told to be home. Ronnie is finally getting the hang of it but for some reason Emma just can’t seem to grasp the concept.

I made Emma sit down and talk with me about what had gone wrong. She forgot what time grandma told her to be home. She forgot about the rule to let dad and I know what she was doing. I lost my cool. Her constant excuse for almost everything that is wrong is she forgot. I let her know how tired of that excuse I was, it needed to stop, and she could forget about doing anything for a while. I even took her phone away from her.

And I made her cry. Apparently I am officially the meanest mom ever. EVER! She quit saying she hates me a couple of years ago. She realized that every time she said she hated me I would say I love her and hug her. Most of the time she would get over being mad at me pretty quick after that. Now she just calls me the meanest mom ever and slams her door.

And that door slamming! She is so, so close to having her door removed. “What about my privacy”? What about it? Lose the attitude and you can keep your door. Teenagers push my buttons! Having 3 teens in the house is a test of my patience and strength.

I think Ronnie was amused that Emma cried about having her phone taken away. He sat in the chair and just smiled and watched us. Normally he’s the one being talked to by Scott for not letting us know where he is.

My mom keeps teasing me about how I barely made it through ages 12-14 and I'm just getting paid back.

Don't get me wrong but Boys are so much easier than Girls! I love my baby girl and wouldn't trade her for the world but Holy Crap Batman. Teenage Girls and Puberty SUCK.

Friday, April 02, 2010

I was given permission to borrow this from
I love this!

We, the parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure tranquility (and sanity) and promote the general welfare of our families, do ordain and establish this Bill of Rights.

* We have the right to expect our kids to be seen for who they are as individuals, not as labels or diagnoses.

* We have a right to trust our instincts about our kids and realize that experts don't always know best.

* We have a right to ignore the remarks, questions and stares and not give explanations or excuses for why our children are the way they are.

* We have a right to choose alternative therapies for our kids.

* We have a right to roll our eyes straight out of our heads when we encounter certain mothers who brag nonstop that their kids are the smartest students/best athletes ever.

* We have a right to wonder “What if…” every so often.

* We have a right to play aimlessly with our children. Not for therapeutic or educational purposes—just for fun.

* We have a right to blast Bruce Springsteen/Tom Petty/Any Rocker, down a glass of Pinot Grigio, get a pedicure, go out with the girls or do all of the aforementioned at once if that's what it takes to avoid burnout.

* We have a right to react to people’s ignorance in whatever way we feel necessary.

* We have a right to not always have our child be the poster child for his/her disability and some days be just a child.

* We have a right to go through the grieving process and realize we may never quite be "over it."

* We have the right to give our kids chores. Even better if they can learn to make breakfast in bed for us.

* We have a right to stretch the truth when we fail to do the exercises the therapist asked us to do this week because we were too darn tired or overwhelmed.

* We have a right to have yet more Pinot Grigio.

* We have a right to fire any doctor or therapist who's negative, unsupportive or who generally says suck-y things.

* We have a right to tell family and friends that everything may not be OK—at least not how they mean it, anyway.

* We have a right to hope for an empty playground so we don’t have to look into another child’s eyes and answer the question, “What’s wrong with him?”

* We have a right to bawl on the way back from the playground, the birthday party, the mall or anyplace where our children’s challenges become glaringly obvious in the face of all the other kids doing their typical-development things.

* We have the right to give our children consequences for their behavior. They may be “special” but they can still be a royal pain in the ass.

* We have a right to take a break from Googling therapies, procedures, medicine and treatments for our kids to research upcoming concerts, exotic teas or anything not related to our children’s disabilities.

* We have a right to talk about how great our kids are when people don’t get it.

* We have the right to not always behave as inspirational icons who never complain or gripe about the sometimes awful realities of raising a child with special needs.

* We have a right to expect quality services for our children not just when they’re infants, preschoolers and elementary school age, but when they’re in older grades and adults, too.

* We have a right to adequate funding for those services and to not have to kick, scream or endure a wait for them.

* We have a right to get tired of people saying, as they give that sympathy stare, "I don't know how you do it."

* We have a right to wish that sometimes things could be easier.

* We have a right to cheer like crazy anytime our children amaze us—or weep like lunatics.

* We have a right to push, push and push some more to make sure our children are treated fairly by the world.