Sunday, November 26, 2006

Another Loss

This time I'm not sure what to feel or think or do about it.

The person who passed was my biological father. He was 74.

My dad left on my 2nd birthday and I've only met him once since he took off. I was 8 years old and my dad and stepmom came for a visit. They took me out for lunch on a Sunday and then shopping for clothes. At least that is what they said they were going to buy. Instead they bought me an umbrella and a necklace. I guess since it was their money they could spend it on me as they wanted. The umbrella was stolen just a few days after I got it. I had the necklace up until a few years ago and have lost track of it.

After they left I didn't hear from him for 2 years. Then he asked my mom if she would fly me out to California where they lived so they could take me to Disneyland. Mom asked him to pay for the plane ticket, explaining that working on a teachers salary she didn't have any extra money to pay for that right now. He refused to pay for anything and asked to talk to me. He said that the trip would have to wait for a while and then hung up.

After that nothing. My mom called him when I graduated from high school and he said that's nice, what you want money, I don't have any.

The next I heard from him was about 5 years ago. He wanted to say how sorry he was at how he didn't treat me and to see what my life was like. I gave in and talked to him and told him about my children and even sent him a picture with Ethan, Emma, and myself.

I can count the number of times I remember talking to him on one hand.

Friday night I received a call from a stepsister I didn't know I had. She told me about my dad, that he was in the VA hospital in Fresno with severe pneumonia and kidney failure. His mind was gone and she said they had given him 2 days at most to live. She told me that he had diabetes, which I knew, and that he hadn't taken care of himself for over 10 years. He'd had both his legs amputated a few years ago.

Since I learned the term biological, I called him the biological sperm donor. My friends thought it was funny, especially in high school where most of my friends parents were divorced and remarried.

While I was growing up my mom never talked about my dad. She would answer my questions about him with brief answers. She never said a bad word about him.

You know, it really messes a kid up to learn that their dad walked out on you and your mom on your birthday. My granny felt the need to rub that in quite often when I was little, until mom found out what she was doing and forbid granny to talk to me about my dad ever again.

I went to counseling for a few months and refused to talk to the counselors or participate so mom took me out of it.

I was angry for years and never wanted to hear about him or meet him.

When I married my first husband he became obsessed with finding my dad so I could meet him. When he found my dad's address I once again became angry and refused to talk about it. I didn't wany anything to do with that man. If he didn't want me I didn't need him.

My stepmother called last night to let me know that they doctors were keeping him comfortable and it wouldn't be much longer. I said ok thanks for letting me know.

My stepsister called this morning to let me know that he passed last night at 9:30. I got an address to send flowers and a card. I feel as if I should try to go to the funeral but I really don't know how accepted I would be, not like it matters what any of those people think. It's not my fault that he left us. I also feel as if some flowers and a card would be sufficient.

She did ask if there was anything that I might want of his. Apparently I have 2 half brothers and they want nothing from him. I guess they are just as angry as I've been. I asked for some pictures and at the same time couldn't stop the thought that went through my head, some money to make up for everything in my life that he missed out on that he should have helped my mom with. How Fricking Selfish of ME. I'm so glad I didn't say that out loud. None of it was my stepsister's fault as well and she didn't need to feel some of my anger towards him.

So now he is dead and I really don't know how I feel. I got a little teary when my stepsister told me he will die soon but that has been all so far.

Maybe someday I'll visit his grave. I'm sure it would be easy to find the VA cemetery in Fresno, at least that is where I was told he would be buried.

Rest in Peace Ted

Monday, November 13, 2006

I Discovered I Can Be the Bigger Person

Figuratively speaking that is.

I sucked it up and called the OutLaws and asked if they would like to have Ethan and Emma for Thanksgiving day. My ex-MIL said they would love to but Emma had already told them they would be spending that day with us at Scott's parent's house. I told her that was the plan but if she would like them to spend the day at their house I would drop them off on the way to my in-laws house.

I think I shocked my ex-MIL. She sounded pleased that I had called and even asked if they could spend the night, to which I replied yes, they can.

We even had a nice conversation on how the kids have been lately.

It has been a year since we had such a nice conversation. I didn't know what to do with myself for a few minutes after we hung up. Then I realized that dinner was burning and I needed to finish it up.

Last Thursday was a Girls Night Out with the ladies I work with. We met at Applebees and proceeded to have lots of drinks and desserts. I think we even managed to embarrass the bartender! It was great fun.

We all made it home safely, there was a designated driver. We all decided it should be a monthly thing.

Friday Scott and I took the family out for dinner and then we went out to celebrate the Marine Corp. birthday. Since he's a Marine and all he felt the need to party a little that night.

We met some friends at a Country bar, of all places, and toasted the Marines and then bar hopped. Neither of us have done that for years and years, mainly since before we met each other.

I haven't bar hopped since I lived in California, and Ethan was just a thought in the back of my head. Ahhh, the good times, drinks, dancing, flirting....

Ok, now back to reality. I am still trying to recover, no hangover, just tired.

I'm too old to do that anymore!

My husband was teasing me about it yesterday and wouldn't let up about it until I reminded him that when Harley is 10 he will be 50. I couldn't help pulling out that card. It works every time. We normally end up giggling and wrestling around as the kids come and fling themselves on us and join the fun.

Time to go, I have a soccer meeting Thursday that I need to prepare for and I'm going to dye the gray right out of my hair tonight.

Monday, November 06, 2006

I played hooky today!!!

So, I took today off because I'm a bad bad girl. HA HA HA That was funny. I am so not bad. I'm rather boring actually.

I took today off because I have three sick children and a sick mom. Normally when one of the kids is sick mom will tell me to go to work and she'll take care of them. Today there was no way she could have taken care of herself and three sick babies.

I took them all to the doctor this morning and found that the kids have a viral infection so there's nothing we can do but wait it out. Harley was the only one with a fever. The doctor thought Emma might have strep but the test came back negative. Thank God! She's had strep at least 6 times in the past 3 years.

And instead of making good use of my extra day off from work and cleaning the rooms I missed over the weekend I snuggled with babies and wandered in between the different rooms they were in.

Emma was in her bed, huddled around a puke bucket, watching ABC Family. She's the only one with an upset stomach but I think it's from all the drainage of junk from her sinuses.

Harley was in the playroom, covered up on the loveseat, watching the Babar movie on Disney. He was hugging his cup of Cranberry juice. Harley and I are the only ones in this house that like Cranberry juice.

Ethan was in the living room, hugging his pillow and blanket, and watching Sky High. We really do have too many televisions in this house. On days like this I'm glad though so I don't have children bickering about what they should watch.

Ethan is still on the couch in the living room hugging his blanket, Harley is in the recliner, hugging a refreshed glass of juice, and Emma is feeling well enough to beg to get on the computer to check her e-mail. OOOooo a 9 year old checking her email. She's so special.

Come to think of it we have too many computers too. We have the one in the living room, which Emma is still on and absolutely hates to share with anyone. We have the one in our bedroom, which I'm on right now. And we have the handy dandy Notebook, which Scott is on right now. He's laying on the bed, surfing whatever sites he surfs, and watching Doom on TIVO.

Days like this are so rare. We normally have one tv on in the evening and are all together helping with supper or going to soccer practice and then coming home to throw supper together. I figure with most of us sick I'm not going to argue with anyone and be the nice mommy for a night.

Time to go and finish supper, I did the one thing this morning that I could never bring myself to do during soccer practice. I made a crock pot meal.

And I'm so glad soccer is done for the year. It was getting really frickin' cold out there!

Friday, November 03, 2006

I'm being bad

I am at work and most of our system is down. Obviously I can still access the internet and it's wonderful because the security part is down because I can access my blog and actually keep myself busy this way.

Everyone here at work has decided that my family is the model for the Family Guy. We have the evil baby who is trying to take over the world (Harley), the tragic daughter who never has anything go right for her (Emma), the strange, off older son (Ethan, I can say this because I'm his mom and he is off but I love him dearly), the crazy, freaky, disturbed husband (Scott), and then the mostly normal, sometimes wack wife (myself).

I totally agree with all of this. If a total stranger were to spend a week with us they would run away screaming what freaks we are and we shouldn't be allowed to have children.

Ah well. We love our life and I wouldn't change anything. When I do try to change something the whole house rebels and threatens a coup. They'll take me down in a heartbeat and make me aware that change will Not be tolerated.

For instance, I mentioned to mom that Scott and I had found a nice house that we could afford and mom asked if it had plenty of bedrooms because wherever we go, she'll follow. She'll never go away, she'll follow us wherever we go! I don't tell people we live with my mom anymore, I tell people she lives with us. And then sometimes I say we live with each other. I think the rolls changed before my granny died. I am now taking care of her more and more every day. That's ok, that's what I'm here for. To take care of my mom.

Harley is being a little demon. He's taken to locking people out of their houses. He locks the babysitter out of her house, and then he'll giggle and run away, making her crawl through a window or trying to cajole him to unlock the door for her. He locked my MIL out of her house the other day and then giggled and said I lock you out Nanni, hehehhhehe (MIL said his laugh was just evil). He also locked MIL into the chicken coop just an hour or so before locking her out of her house!

My son, the practical joker at the ripe old age of 2 1/2. If he can do all these jokes why can't he pee in the frickin' potty? He can, he just chooses not to.


I better go before everything starts working right and all that I've just typed disappears.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

The last soccer game is this weekend! WooHoo happy dance!