Wednesday, March 31, 2010


April is Autism Awareness Month. And tomorrow is April 1st. April Fools Day.

Autism is not a fooling around matter. Well, most of the time. Our household is so full of joking around, even with an autistic teenager mingled in the mix. Ethan still has a hard time understanding most social cues but we are working with him. He is teased just as much as the rest of us, we don't leave him out. One of these days he will get it, maybe. I can hope!

Babies Babies Everywhere

I have slipped into a weird depression. I am so sad that I can no longer have babies and I start crying when I see other people’s babies. Whether I’m in a store or at the park with my kids or even see a baby on TV, it can make me teary.

I knew going into the surgery last September that obviously I would no longer be able to have another baby. I needed the surgery to get rid of all the crap that was in my body and physically I have felt so much better. Mentally is a whole different issue right now. And it started just a few weeks ago.

Physically I feel wonderful. I haven’t lost a lot of weight since the surgery but my strength is back and Scott and I joined a gym and are working out together. We are doing lots of yard work on the weekends and are just keeping active. My clothes fit different and I guess I’ve lost some inches even though the pounds aren’t going away yet. I guess the way to think about it is that I’m gaining more muscle and that will reshape my body.

I would think that keeping active and being outside a lot would keep my mood elevated and I would think that staying so busy I wouldn’t have time to dwell on the fact that I can’t have anymore children. But that’s not the case. I’m to the point where I just want to work because when I’m at work I don’t think about babies. I don’t think about the fact that I can’t have anymore. I just think about work and taking care of the people here. I’m afraid I’m going to start mothering my co-workers and that will not be good. Technically you are supposed to leave personal life at home and make sure you don’t take work home with you so you focus on family when you are at home.

I’ve tried to talk to Scott about it but he just tells me I will be fine and almost blows it off. No one else in my family will understand why I’m feeling this way so I haven’t tried to talk to them. I’m even afraid they will ridicule me. My SIL had a hysterectomy 2 years before I did. She went through something similar and was sad about no more babies even though she knew she wasn’t having any more no matter what. My MIL was upset as well. When word got around to us how my SIL was feeling I was curious how someone could be sad about the fact of no more monthly visitor, especially when you know you aren’t having anymore babies. I never made fun of her or made light of how she was feeling but my SIL and MIL were still extremely upset with me and didn’t speak to me for a few months.

I’m afraid if I tell them I’m feeling the same thing they will become catty and mean. That’s the way they are anymore. Scott has 2 sister’s, the younger one is the one that had the hysterectomy and the older one lives in Dallas. The older sister had a falling out with my in-laws and so now my in-laws refuse to speak to her, about her, have anything to do with her kids. They expect the rest of us to do the same. It’s a silly reason why they aren’t speaking to each other but to totally cut a child and grandchildren out of your life is something I just can’t comprehend. This is why I’m afraid to tell anyone else how I’m feeling. I know they won’t cut me out of their life but I don’t want to listen to the catty remarks and bitchy tones and have them call me a hypocrite when I’m not one. No matter how many times I tried to explain that I just didn’t understand why she felt the way she did they always took it as me just being mean and snotty and not having any feelings.

And anyone who reads this will probably recommend therapy. I’m debating it but not sure if I really want to start that just yet.

If I don’t start feeling better in a couple of weeks I’ll call my preacher and talk to him. It’s free and he is a great listener and wouldn’t make me feel like my feelings are silly.