Saturday, August 23, 2008

A New Chapter in My Life

Well, another new chapter is about to begin. Last Sunday was a lazy morning. At first. Scott and I were being lazy and staying in bed until he absolutely had to get up and get ready for work. We could hear the kids playing in the front of the house and we didn't hear any fighting. Emma came in to tell us that Ethan had eaten lots of food during the night and Ethan came back screaming at her to shut up. We told all the kids to go out in the backyard for a while. After that it got very quiet. Scott was getting up to get ready for work and I was reading a book. Emma came back again, this time to say she couldn't find Harley or Ethan. They weren't in the backyard or any part of the house. We left the house to search the neighborhood. Scott finally found them 4 blocks away.
Ethan had packed a bag for him and one for Harley. They had a blanket and pillow and food. They were running away to live at the park.
I was just too angry to deal with Ethan so I did something I've never done before. I called his dad who is in Washington State and told him what had happened and asked him to talk to Ethan. I regret doing that now because what finally ended up being the solution is hurting me.
Apparently Ethan has wanted to live with his dad for a while now but hasn't told me because he didn't want to upset me. Apparently a lot of others have known this too but no one has wanted to tell me and upset me. I would rather have known than have Ethan live here and be upset. I know this all stems from the relationship between Scott and Ethan.
Scott feels Ethan shouldn't be treated any different just because he is a special needs child. OK, Yes I am easier on Ethan but he does have chores and is expected to do them. If he doesn't do them or throws a fit than he does get in trouble. Just not to the extent Scott feels is appropriate. He has had numerous doctors tell us that we can't treat Ethan like a normal child because he just isn't one. He will need different rules to accommodate for his disabilities. Scott just refuses to believe this.

So now Ethan is going to live with his dad and stepmom in Washington. We meet next weekend in Idaho. His new school doesn't start until after Labor Day so Ethan is going to go to school here for the week and then I take him out of school on Friday. I am so very sad that he is leaving but if this is going to make him happy then I will have to deal with it.

Scott keeps arguing with me about what time and where we should meet. He thinks I should make them change where we meet and when to make it easier for us. The place we meet is a 10 1/2 hour drive for both his dad & us. I don't understand why we should change and make them drive farther.

Our marriage that was getting better is back on the rocks because of this. I truly feel I'm being made to choose between my son and my husband right now. I haven't told Scott this because it wouldn't be fair to him. I don't know why I feel the need to please everyone all of the time. Something like that is just not possible and I'm usually the one that ends up hurt.

Scott did bring that up last weekend but I denied it. He has asked me if he needs to leave and in my state of hurt and anger I said yeah sure that would be great. Make me lose all but one person in my family in one weekend. Wrong thing to say but that is what I felt at the time.

It has taken us most of the week to talk at all and now that we are he has started harping on me again about where and when to meet them. I think it might need to be just Ethan, Emma, and myself making this trip. It might be good for just the 3 of us and that way Emma can say goodbye to her brother without Scott around to influence her. Emma loves her real dad but doesn't want to live with him. She said she is perfectly happy right where she is and doesn't want to leave Scott or me.

So in one week we will be back to just 3 kids.

I am so sad right now. I know it will get easier and I will deal with it but I just need some time to be able to be sad and Scott really doesn't understand this. He has been without Ronnie for 15 years and for some reason still can't seem to grasp how it is hard for to deal.

We haven't been to counseling in a month due to all the crap going on but I think it might be time to go back. Especially if he wants to save this marriage.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I forgot to mention that our Guinea Pig died. We knew it was coming but the kids still cried. I went to work one morning and he was breathing and squeaking at me for his carrots. I got home from work and he was stiff as a board. So I'm thinking he died not long after I left that morning. Ethan and Emma both cried hard. Harley kind of sniffled and then asked if we could feed him to the ants. Because you know, the ants are hungry. Then Scott and Ronnie took it one step further and wanted to stick a fire cracker up its butt. I put the dead rodent in a shoe box and threw it away.

I was considered the bad parent for a few days after that. Ethan and Emma were upset because they wanted to bury him. Harley upset because I wouldn't feed it to the ants. Scott and Ronnie upset because I wouldn't let them shove a fire cracker up it's ass.

What a week that was!
The first day of school came and went without too much drama. Stepson, I'm just going to use his name now that he lives with us, Ronnie, and Emma said it was ok and it took most of dinner to drag out what their teachers were like and the students they met. Emma and Ethan knew so many kids that came over with them from their elementary school but there were so many new kids there and Emma has already found a new boy to crush on. It's going to be a long year!
I took Ethan to school and Emma rode with a friend yesterday. I spent about an hour getting Ethan settled, his meds updated with the nurse and then wandered around and got a little nostalgic as I remembered my years at the school. It's a little strange having my kids go to the same elementary and middle school that I went to. Both schools have changed so much but are still the same.
Ronnie said his first day was pretty good. It was actually just the first day for kids moving up a school or new to the school district. Ronnie said he's ready for all the other students to show up so he can meet some GIRLS!!! He said he had about 10 girls give him their numbers yesterday but they were Freshmen and he wants to meet some Sophmores or Juniors now. Oh Joy

Found out that he can't start drivers ed until he's been here at least 6 months so I have time to get used to the idea and save money. We didn't get school supplies during tax free weekend because there were no lists to go by so we get to do that this weekend. And the lists for 3 kids is huge.

I took yesterday off to spend the day with Ethan at school but he told me he was fine I should just go home. I was a little shocked but I went home. I spent a few hours all by myself in a nice quiet house reading. I never get to do that again so I took advantage of the free time. I ate lunch with Scott, which made me sick, and then spent the afternoon rotating between the bed and the bathroom. Good times.

I feel better today, still a little queasy but no where near what I felt yesterday.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of doing nothing. It's almost noon and I've showered and paid bills and that is the extent of my day. Hopefully I can keep it up until Scott is home from work and its time to shop.

So I think I'll end this now and go lay down and read some more.

Oh, Scott and I are doing good right now. The sex is still not there but we talk and laugh like we used to so I'm going on the assumption that the sex will eventually come back. If it doesn't, well, I just don't know.

Have a good weekend all

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Connie Mack is here again

As much as I love baseball I don't pay that much attention to it. I miss the days I played rec softball. I miss the people I saw there and only there. And truthfully I miss the girl who got me involved in softball. We met as Sophomores in high school and were best friends until 5 1/2 years ago. That just happened to be the time Scott came along. I discovered that this friend liked Scott just as much as I did. Problem? This time no. As friends we often liked the same guy but I always bowed out and let her go after him. Why? Because she was, I was going to say stronger but that's not right. I'm just as strong a woman as she was or is. She has always been just that much more sure of herself than I was. Maybe not anymore but in high school she was. Scott asked me out on a date, over the phone, even though he'd never met me. I didn't know this but he had seen me so he knew what I looked like.
This made my friend so upset but she never once told me. She just set about her own way to try to steal Scott from me. But Scott found her repulsive. I could never figure out why until she finally admitted the truth to me. Scott saw through her immediately. He knew what kind of person she really was. For some reason I was blind to it for years and years.
Even after all that she did to try to sabotage Scott and myself I still miss her. Especially during Connie Mack.
We would go to the games together and sit and watch the games, unlike every other teenage girl that was there. The other girls were there to socialize, flirt with boys, be seen, but never to actually watch the games. We both got married and she moved to the East Coast and I moved to the West Coast. We both moved back after a time and she got me involved in rec softball.

So I miss softball but for some reason I haven't tried to find a new team to join to play again. I still go to Connie Mack games but I go with just family. I say just family but I've gone to games with my mom since I was in elementary school. It's our bonding time I guess, we sit in the bleachers in the same seats we've had since I was little and watch those teenage boys play. It's quite exciting to hear who has made it to the big leagues after playing at our little series. It has been in Farmington for 44 years now. Scott keeps teasing me that they are looking for a new home for it. He is really not a baseball fan. But he goes to some of the games because he knows I enjoy it. Kind of like I watch Nascar or go to the races with him because I know he enjoys it.

Tonight is the third night of this years series and games start in 6 hours, 5:15pm.

Our marriage is slowly getting stronger. We are re-learning to talk through our problems and actually talk, not bottle things up. Our latest issue that we are trying to work through is both of our schedules.

I told him I might start going on call on the weekends, if I did it would be with a laptop at home, I wouldn't have to go anywhere and it would be maybe once a month. He got so upset at this and said we barely spend any time with each other as it is. I really don't know how to respond to this because he has worked 7 days this week. He was supposed to be off Thursday and today. But the store in Durango, a 45 minute drive from our house, called last week and said they would need help and asked Scott to fill in. He said yes. Granted the over time pay is nice but that is what cuts into our time together, not my job but his unwillingness to say no when they need help at his job. We were supposed to spend today finishing up school shopping since it is tax free weekend, have my mom's birthday lunch (because obviously we can't miss a game for a birthday dinner, mom's choice not mine!), and just be together.

Even though there are so many weeks that he works 7 days a week for the overtime it is my job that keeps us from spending time together. I have a cake job. I work Monday through Friday either 9-6 or 8-6. On the rare week that a certain co-worker is off I work 8-6 all week long. I think the problem is not my time spent at work, its that I absolutely love my job. I do make less since I transferred to the new position but it is worth it for my sanity. There is just as much stress as the old position but it is a different kind of stress. A kind I am able to deal with so much easier. Part of the problem is that I work with mainly men now. I have discussed, in short detail one man in particular. Which Scott is aware of. He knows of feelings. The feelings are still there but we only talk about work or his wife's pregnancy. She isn't due for a month but she is already contracting and dilated to a 2.

It is hard staying away from him but I'm doing it. I am in no way proud of how I've acted for most of this year but I'm trying to change and feel I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

I can tell I'm doing a better job at being a mom again. My patience is not where I want it to be but from reading so many other mom's posts I'm not the only one in this boat of thinning patience.

Wow, I went from baseball to my life. :) I am getting happier with my life and hope it continues.

My concern now is getting a 15 year old through high school as easily as possible, 2 tweens through middle school without too much drama, and a little demon through his last year of pre-school even though he feels he should be starting kindergarten and just doesn't understand why he isn't starting that big school this year.

Oh, and the 15 year old is begging to start driver's ed.

Which it is time.....

But are we ready??????