Saturday, June 21, 2008

Scott moved back in last weekend. A few days before our 4th counseling session. It shocked me that he just showed up last weekend with most of his stuff and Harley's stuff and they never left.
Truthfully I'm not sure how I feel about this. I have barely slept since they came back. I am so so happy Harley is back and I have missed him so much but Scott? We are too busy either bickering or walking around each other on egg shells, afraid to say something wrong and make the other mad.
Even though he just moved back in we have a whole new development that will test us alot more than what we have already gone through. Scott's 15 year old son will be moving in with us in a month. Permanently. Not just for 6 weeks during the summer. We get to register him in school, he wants to be a volunteer firefighter when he turns 16, drivers ed, and whatever else might pop into his highly intelligent mind. This kid is so smart it's a little scary. I totally understand why he wants to move here. His mom tries to treat him like an adult when it comes to the housework and school work but when it comes to actually talking to him and listening to him she either can't or won't. He will try to talk to his mom about his future and all she can talk about is how he's doing on his school work. He tries to talk to her about the death of his uncle a few months ago and she ignores him. He won't have more freedom here but he will have open minded parents that will listen to him and talk to him.

Not sure what this will bring, trying to repair our marriage and adding a teenage boy to the mix.

Actually after last night I'm really not sure how much longer we will be together. We went to bed not long after he got home from work at 10:30pm. Which is about 1/2 hour later than normal..... We shared a piece of chocolate cake and watched CSI Miami and I dozed off about 1am. I'm not sure what time he went to sleep but he was upset with me for falling asleep when I did. At 2:30am my cell phone rang and at that time of night I just answer the phone, I didn't look at the screen to see who it was. I assumed it was Emma because she spent the night with a friend and always seems to get sick during sleep overs.
It wasn't Emma. It was a guy I work with. One I would have never expected to call me at that time of the night, or actually any time of the night. He was at home and drunk and looking for someone to talk to. Or at least that's what I thought. I talked to another co-worker this morning after Scott left for work, yes, the one that I should be staying away from but we just can't seem to leave each other alone. He got a kick out of this other guy calling, he said he had to have been horny and looking for someone to come over and have some fun. I have no idea why he thought of me. This is a guy that I never thought of that way. He's a funny guy, intelligent but has never interested me that way.

So Scott is just pissed off that this guy called. I told Scott I couldn't help it, I can't control what he did, I had him off the phone in under 30 seconds. Don't know what else I could have done. Could have turned my cell phone off but I never do when Emma is at a sleep over.

Just one more thing we will have to work through.

As Walker said in his last comment, are we really in love with each other or just think we need to be with each other now.

That is the big question for us at the moment.

While I peruse this please go check out I don't know her personally but she is a very good friend of a co-worker and the family is having some very rough times right now. They need every one's thoughts and prayers.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I realized it has been over a month since I last posted. Scott is still out of the house but we are in marriage counseling. He has said that he will move back home after the 4th counseling session, depending on my attitude. This next Thursday will be our 4th session. I can understand giving it time to come back home, we are finally talking and I'm learning not to bottle up my hurt and anger or any other feelings besides happiness. It's coming at a price because now we argue alot more than we ever have. I guess that's a good thing because we are actually talking now.
But the whole depends on my attitude has angered me. It took two of us to get here and it's going to take two of us to get our marriage back.

I've been more of a weekend wife for him. He stays here on the weekends and Sunday night he goes back to his parents house. They are redoing their basement and have plans to turn it into an apartment for Scott and Harley. Which is fine because if we don't work out then they have a place that won't cost Scott rent every month.

I thought I was ready for him to come home but the more time we spend together this weekend the more I'm not ready. I quit sleeping again or when I do sleep it's very restless. I am so tired again. I don't know what to do!

Emma is so unhappy that we are trying to save our marriage. She was happy thinking it was going to be just her, Ethan, and me again. She was even leaving Harley out. I don't know how to help her either. I feel she should be used to us being married now because we have been married 5 years.

When he is in the house I'm back to tryin to make sure everyone is happy but me. And that's just not going to work. I need to find a way to even things out but I don't know where to start.

I have all these I don't know things going on at home and I feel kind of stupid for it. At work I kow exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it. I have people calling me for help constantly because even if I don't have the answer I can find it pretty fast. I love my work. I still don't love my home life. People at work keep talking to me about finding that even balance of good home/good work life but it just eludes me.

At work I know who I am but at home I don't. At work HE is still there. HE talks about going back to a previous job but doesn't know when HE will. I did tell Scott I have feelings for this other guy. It, of course, pissed him off and hurt him. This whole time that we have been separated if I go out it's with him. Scott accepted a date with another woman. He ended up not going but the thought of him going out with someone else killed me. I was a wreck.

This whole thing has also shown me exaclty what his parents think of me. Apparently I am too young for him and too immature. I didn't know at our age that 9 years was too old for me or too young for him.

We've both acted immature during our separation but I think that is what hurt people do. And now we are working on it.

Time to go.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there. I hope you have a good one.