Saturday, April 19, 2008

Where to start

We finally talked last night. After a week of avoiding each other. And it wasn't pretty.

What came out of him is that he didn't realize what he was doing. He didn't realize he had been so unbearably grouchy or coming down harder on my kids or being just plain mean.

What came out of me was so much more. I am just unahppy right now. Unhappy with my life. I am so ready to send Ethan and Emma to live with their dad for a while so I don't mess them up even more than I already have. I want Harley to go away because everything he does irritates me. I don't know how to deal with a "normal" 4 year old boy and Scott doesn't know how to deal with a "special" 12 year old boy.

I feel after almost 6 years together we should have found a compromise on how to raise the kids. We still haven't found a way that works for both of us.

Scott is a generation older than me and he is a die hard Marine. He is so stubborn and set in his ways and I don't think he can change. Really though, how fair is it of me to ask him to change. He shouldn't have to change.

Right now I am the one changing. I need a serious mental break but I don't know how to get there. Ethan and Emma are going camping with their dad and step mom at the end of July. I don't want to wait that long for a break.

I am a horrible mom right now and I know it. Scott says I'm being human, the stress of the new position at work (which I really don't feel stressed from work anymore but maybe I am, just a different kind of stress), stress of having my mom live with us (she has made it perfectly clear if we move she is coming with us), the stress of having a special needs child slowly going into teenage hood, the stress of having a 4 year old (I swear the terrible two's are nothing compared to the Horrible Fours), and never having a break.

This is selfish of me but I want some me time in my own home. A whole day to have peace and quiet and watch SciFi all alone or listen to music and read a book or take a bath uninterrupted. The older kids get the house to themselves 3 times a week after school. Scott is alone in the house 2 to 3 times a week and same for my mom. They have their time to just be.

Just typing this I sound horribly selfish.

I am changing somehow but so far I don't like the person I am becoming. And I really don't know how to stop me.

Scott asked if there was someone else. I did say no because when it comes down to it, there is no one else. There is only stupid, selfish little me.

I went to see the doctor about my stomach and he said my problem is stress. I am letting things get to me and need to find a way to relax and de-stress. Or I could be looking at an ulcer very soon.

The busier I keep the easier it is not to think. I have more laundry that needs to be done so I'm going to end this now.

I feel like last night I hit bottom so the only way to go is up.


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Today was a beautiful day. 74 degrees outside. Sunny with a light breeze. Almost perfect.

What made it even better was Scott got home early from work, about 3 hours early. We spent the day together and we both tried to be nice to each other. At first it was really hard. I wanted to just run our errands and then go home. He wanted to stop at this store and that store and look at stuff for my new truck. If I didn't show interest in something he would look at something else.

He tried so much harder than me to be nice. By the end of the day we were almost enjoying each other. We did lots of yard work and finally, finally got around to taking down our Christmas lights. We are such big procrastinators.

I thought about Him quite often but the busier I stayed the easier it was to not think about Him. I have to go back to work tomorrow and so maybe we'll have both come to our senses by then.

Right now Scott is on the lap top looking up license plates for the front of both of our trucks.

I'm still at a point where I don't want to talk to him. The meanness and attitude lasted too long, almost 3 months. I know some women deal with it so much longer and I dealt with it for 5 years of my first 6 year marriage. But he has never done this before. I think that is why I'm not quite ready to forget it so we can move on.

He did hug me today and we did kiss for a minute in the kitchen, almost burning dinner. But then he picked up his glasses and walked away. He hasn't tried to touch me since.

We both worked hard today though, maybe he is just tired. I know I am.

Not sure what else to say right now. I am tired and sore, yard work always brings out muscles you never realized you had. I think it is time for a hot shower and bed.

Unfortunately I know he will stay out here in the living room, playing on the lap top until probably 2 or 3 am. If he comes to bed with me I will be shocked.

On that bright note, sarcasm here, I hope you all have a good week.

And my stomach still doesn't feel any better. I discovered I've lost 15 lbs in the past 3 1/2 months. I'm proud of me! I'm not starving myself to lose weight, at least not on purpose right now. I've just cut down on what I eat and found fruit and veggies to snack on at work are easier than anything else.
If my stomach would quit with this whatever it is doing, I will eat normal again.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

So I can't get away from this subject lately. The guy at work. I wrote what I did to see if anyone I work with still reads this and from the none reaction I got about the last blog I think they have all quit reading here.
Which is just fine because I now I can truly talk and use this for what I truly intended, a diary of sorts. I can't write all my thoughts in an actual diary because my daughter is too snoopy. I know my husband wouldn't read a diary but he would be extremely curious.
So here goes
We have been married 5 years now. We have 5 kids between us. Our marriage is pretty rocky right now. It has been since just before our anniversary, so about 3 months now. He is very good at his job and enjoys it because he deals with cars and car parts all day. The bigwigs in his division have noticed him and are encouraging him to advance and take the managers board to try to move up in the company. The first time he took the board for 1st assistant he failed. Just barely but enough that he has to take it again.
This past week I have felt horrible. Every time I eat I get sick, so I've been sticking to yogurt drinks and oatmeal. Those two foods seem to be ok with my stomach. Since I haven't felt good I've been going to bed earlier than normal, before he gets home from work. When he is home he either doesn't talk to me or snaps at me. I spent all last Friday night curled up in bed hurting and crying because I was so tired of the arguing and feeling crappy. Every other night, when he has been home, he will make dinner and then watch one of his shows. If I tried to talk to him he would just grunt.
I finally found out this big attitude is because he is going up on the managers board again and actually took the test Thursday. He told me the night before that he needed to study but had never brought any materials home to look at. I said that first thing that popped in my head, which was How come you didn't tell me you were taking the board again. He swears he did. I don't remember. So we argued.
We actually went out last night to some friends house to play cards and ended up talking and laughing and having a wonderful time. As soon as we got in the truck to come home the talking stopped and everything I said was greeted with a grunt.
He is planning another trip to Disneyland without kids this summer and at this rate, I don't want to go. His sister and her husband are coming but I still don't want to go. I don't want this to go on til then, you know, I don't think it will last that long but who knows. My first husband and I went for months without talking, and that was when his ship was in port. I'm not comparing the marriages or men right now, just commenting that I know silence can last a very long time.
He finally told me I have been nagging him about moving up in his company. I didn't realize I had done that. According to Scott I've been doing that for about a year now. I have been making him unhappy for about a year. I didn't know. He's never said anything. He still loves me but he's not happy with me. When he kisses me it's a peck on the lips or the cheek. We used to have long make out sessions, acting like teenagers and embarrassing the kids. We haven't done that in so long.
I haven't told anyone else about this. Not even my friend at work. We email each other all kinds of crap all day long at work but we quit talking about our families when I changed positions. It's just easier to talk about family stuff face to face with her. She knows we are having problems and I know she is having problems. We have decided together we have one huge problem and should just take the kids and run away to Fiji. And we each get our own cabana boy!

The punk at work really isn't a punk and he is really my age. He isn't tattooed or a freak. Since the few I was expecting a response from never said anything I am going to assume they quit reading about me. So I'm going to open up a little bit right now. I just need to vent. Maybe that will help clear my head and open my eyes.

This guy is absolutely wonderful. We spend a lot of time together at work when his schedule allows it. We've eaten lunch together and we talk and we stare into each other's eyes. Time flies when I am with him. The thought of him, the sound of his voice, when someone says his name I get all hot and flustered and my face turns red. There have been a couple of days where lunch was spent just staring at each other. I felt like I fell into him, I feel like I can't look at him enough. I am so torn right now. I'm not even close to thinking that the grass is greener on the other side but....
He'll touch my face when he walks into my office at night to give me his daily paperwork. He'll run his fingers through my hair or lightly run his fingers down my arm.

I feel like a damn teenager with him. Butterflies in my stomach. Flushed cheeks. When I'm alone I have trouble concentrating on what I should be doing. I do ok when I'm with my family and don't seem to have a problem paying enough attention to them. Scott hasn't mentioned it, but then again he has been in his own little world for so long now.

I see nothing but his eyes when I stare at the computer screen at work. Every guy that calls in work to me, I hear his voice, when it really is him calling I get the stupidest grin on my face.

ALL of this is so scary and exciting and I don't know what the Hell I am doing. I know damn good and well, I am being stupid.

Right now though my excuse is that with him helping me feel better about life in general right now he is helping me be a better person at home. Before we discovered all of this I was just as grouchy at home as Scott was. My mom mentioned that I seem to have calmed down and asked if Scott and I were ok now. I told her I don't know. Her comment tells me that this other guy has grounded me some how and brought me back to earth so I am nicer to my family.

Scott and I have been together almost 6 years now. I guess that 7 year itch hit early. Or maybe he is really not happy with me anymore.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Happy Late Easter and Early Tax Day

The talk around work is that the tax deadline is just a few days away. Ours are done and already spent. That's the problem with a refund, it goes so fast!

So updates on the last post. The one friend didn't win the City Council Post he was hoping to get. The other friend is still gunning for Congress and has filed the papers and been to I don't know how many meetings.

The guy at work that has the hots for me? Well, I'm just going to leave that alone right now. Truthfully I don't know if I will ever talk about that here. Maybe if I had a blog that was full of nothing but naughty, nasty writing. Enough said.........

But I've discovered it's not just that one punk kid that has the hots for me. There are a couple of others.

I quickly lost the thought that only my husband could find me sexy.

I went from answering phones in a call center to my own office where I get to boss a bunch of men around and it has now gone straight to my head!

Absolutely horrible of me but I am truly lovin' it. For the past couple of years I hated to get up for work. Since I switched positions I love going to work.

I haven't forgotten at all what I look like, I don't think I am sexier or cuter than I really am but having these men tell me I am sexy and beautiful is great for the self-esteem.

Enough of that for now.

I splurged and traded in my car for a brand new Dodge Nitro. It is the burnt orange color. Ok, my car was fine, granted it has been losing gas and nobody can find where the leak is, but other wise it was working fine.

I've had it for a week now and love it! Better gas mileage than my car, with gas prices so high, that is a good thing. I love being up higher, so much easier to see what is ahead of me now. I know Harley loves it too.

The kids have named it Hellboy because of it's color. I wonder how many families actually name their cars?

Already time to go. All that is going through my head is how my afternoon at work went. It's not x-rated but it had the opportunity to go there. I am just no ready to write down what happened.

Emma is ranting and raving about how unfair it is that I have computer time after dinner and she doesn't.

Me thinks it is time to remind her of who pays the bills around here!