Wednesday, May 07, 2008

No Guarantees

He has been out of the house for 2 weeks now. When we are together we don't talk. Well, we talk about the "normal every day" stuff. Kids, work, family.
The way we talk about us is through text messaging. That seems to be the only way he can open up and talk to me. I hate it. He sends me these long text messages to me while I'm at work. I feel obligated to respond to them, which of course takes away from work. If I go for a couple of hours without answering because I'm busy he gets upset. Not mad, almost whiny, like I'm ignoring him on purpose.
It is getting easier to be around him, at least the achy feeling has stopped. I realized I would tense my whole body up when he was around. When he would leave, and I was finally alone, I would finally breathe. I would let myself relax.

He brought me ice cream last night. We sat next to each other on the bed and shared it. We didn't really talk but at least it didn't feel too weird.

I really don't know what else to say right now. I want to say I'm happier without him but I still don't know. So I guess that means I'm not happier without him. Or maybe its just my heart healing pain.

He told me again today he can't give me the one guarantee I'm asking for. All I'm asking for is communication. I don't see how that is such a bad thing to want. My first marriage had absolutely no communication other than him yelling and me crying. He knew how bad my first marriage was. Scott has never been abusive in any way. The only similar thing between this marriage and the last is the lack of communication.
I'm tired of being the one carrying the emotional part of this marriage.
His idea of fixing something is to make me laugh. That only masked our issues. Now that they are big and in his face he is having a hard time dealing with it.
He blames himself for this.
I blame myself for this.
In reality, it's both of us that caused this.
I don't know where we will be in a month or a year but I'm going to make sure to protect me better this time than I did the last time.
If that sounds harsh, Oh Well. I'll make sure I'm OK and my kids are OK.

Sunday, May 04, 2008


All that talking has lead to Scott moving out. He moved out a 1 1/2 weeks ago. He also took Harley with him.
Not sure what to say about that right now. I'm sleeping more, and through the night finally. Don't know if it is because I am happier that he is gone or because I'm depressed. I'm actually spending time with Ethan and Emma though. We go to the park almost every day after dinner. We walk and ride bikes and play basketball. The days I don't talk to Scott I feel good. The days I do talk to Scott I feel horrible. My head pounds and my stomach hurts. I just hurt all over. I miss Harley dearly but I talk to him every day and he spent the night with us Friday night.
Scott and I have gone out on "dates" twice now. Last Saturday we went to Red Lobster and tried to have a nice meal and start the talks on where we are going. But it was Prom night for one of the high schools here and so we didn't talk much during dinner. After dinner we drove around and we both spilled everything onto the table. Then I made the mistake parking the car so I could concentrate more on talking and less on driving.
We started making out like teenagers. Then we were even more stupid and got a room. Being with him didn't feel right. Don't get me wrong, it felt good but not right.
When I finally got home that night I couldn't sleep. I think I dozed off about 4am or so.
Friday night I took Ethan and Emma to see Iron Man. Great movie. I loved it! But they called and invited Scott to go with us. I kept my mouth shut and he sat by me in the movie. He kept wanting to touch me, hold my hand, put his arm around me. Awkward.

When the movie was over I took the kids and left and he went, well, I'm assuming just drove around because an hour later he asked if he could come over and talk. Stupid me again. Said yes. He lay in bed next to me and couldn't keep his hands off me. Still doesn't feel right being with him. He left a couple of hours later, after lots of touching and little talking. I told him that had to quit. No more until we know where we are.

Last night we went out again, just the 2 of us. Dinner was good but I lost my appetite. He kept crying through dinner and then he started yelling at me. He paid the bill took me home and got the boys and left. It was already arranged for him to have Ethan and Harley spend the night with him last night.

Right now my head hurts so bad. I slept but I don't know how well. He tried to text me after he left but I never answered them.

We went from everyone thinking we had the perfect marriage to this. I've gotten a little teary over this but I haven't flat out cried. Makes me wonder why.