Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Can I retire from being an adult?

I work at an on call position at our hospital and a full time position has opened up. I want to apply for it, stop school, and go back to work full time, have insurance again, get a full paycheck again, feel like I'm contributing to our household again. My husband wants me to stay in classes, get my nursing degree, and then work the full time job and have the insurance. I really, really, really want to be a nurse but apparently my homework takes up 98% of my time, work 1%, then kids 1%. Apparently I ignore my husband. I don't see it that way but that's how he feels. I feel horrible that he feels this way and I don't want him to feel this way, ever. He understands that I have so much homework and studying to do and the nursing program is a competitive program to get into but he still feels neglected. He feels neglected enough that he has started an online/texting relationship with someone in a town 3 hours from ours. They call each other lover, send nude pics to each other, talk constantly, and have to tell each other nighty night with lots of x's and o's attached. A month ago he just had to go to this town 3 hours away, supposedly to go to the state fair but now I have my doubts. I know he went to the state fair because he sent me a couple of pics while he was there but other than that he barely talked to me and when I called to talk after I got off work he said he was so tired and just going to sleep early. I believe she was in the room with him. It hurts my heart to think about it and I don't want to think about it but I can't let it go. I only found out about it yesterday so I know it will take a while to get over it. He swears it's over and he deleted her number and information on the computer but I don't believe him. I feel that if I quit school and start the full time position then he won't want to look elsewhere. Of course, this probably makes me sound extremely stupid. If I didn't have so much homework I would have the time for my family again. But, if I continue classes and get a nursing degree I will be financially stable and won't have to worry if he leaves me for someone else because I'm just not enough for him, which is how I feel anymore. I'm just not enough. If I can just not be an adult I could not worry about all this crap. As a kid you can hardly wait to grow up and do what you want to do, get away from others telling you how to act or dress, but when it comes down to it, a boss tells you what to do, company policy tells you how to dress, there is always someone out there telling you something you don't want to do. I tell my kids almost every day quit rushing to grow up because being an adult is not always fun. It's hard work and tedious most of the time, and yes there are lots of times it's fun but it's still hard. Right now I wish I'd had someone tell me this when I was a kid and helped me understand that I needed to enjoy my childhood way more than I did. So, to work full time or be a full time student and get a degree and then work full time in 3 years. That is the question and I have no idea what my answer should be. And what to do about my husband. I don't know that either. When do I say I am enough and make sure I'm mentally healthy?

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Chemistry Class

Every once in a while I wonder why in the hell did I decide to go back to school and earn a degree for a brand new career. I tell myself I'm 40 years old, why am I putting myself through this, getting up and going to class 4 days a week, working almost 30 hours a week, taking care of my family, and doing homework and studying. I see kids fresh out of high school struggling to make it to class on time and worrying about how they will get their homework done, because they too work upwards of 30, even 40 hours a week. They tell me thank god they don't have kids to take care of yet and ask me how I do it. I don't tell them I'm exhausted, but maybe I should. I should tell them stay in college now because when you are older, it's still hard work, plus you're adding in a family to the mix. Today has been one of those days. Every Monday is test day in Chemistry. I've struggled with this class since we hit the chapters that incorporate all the math. I struggle with math, always have and most likely always will, but I don't give up. So, the tests have, of course, gotten harder because of the math. Yesterday's test finally felt right to me. I felt like I did great and was sure I got an A. We got the test back at the end of class today and I saw I got a C. C? I almost started crying, which made me feel silly but I had studied and studied and felt like I really had it. As I walked to my car to drive home I did tear up a little because I am trying so hard and am afraid this will all be for nothing. And then I tell myself quit being silly. I'm doing great, I have a B in the class right now, I'm setting a good example for my kids, showing them it's never too late to further your education. I'm making my whole family proud that I'm working towards being a nurse for my second career. But I'm exhausted. There are times I nap when I should do homework and times when I should be sleeping that I'm doing homework. Right now I should be going to bed but I'm too tired to move from my seat and walk to my bed. My husband has been great, nothing but encouraging words and when I try to vent he basically tells me to stop, I'm doing the right thing and keep moving forward. I wish he would just listen to me vent sometimes, and let me cry and not get upset with me. I'm not going to quit, I just need an outlet. The final is next Thursday and I'm so ready for it. After the final we are leaving for California to see Ronnie and spend a day on the beach and a couple of days at Disney. I wish that were tomorrow and not a week away! Off to bed now, Emma has a dentist appointment at 8am and then class at 10:20. At least I'm off work tomorrow so I can sit on my butt and work on homework.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

I Made It Through The Semester!

I am officially not a freshman in college anymore! Ended my first year of college with a 4.0. I never thought I would do this good after being out of school for so many years. Only 2 weeks before my summer class starts and I was going to spend it being lazy and catching up on my favorite shows but that might not happen now. Scott had severe stomach pains for most of last week but neglected to tell me about it until late Thursday night. I got him to the ER and we found that he had appendicitis. He was admitted to the hospital around 2am and had the appendectomy at 5:30. The doctor told me they got to him just in time, I was literally only hours from losing him. But with a great surgeon and awesome nurses, my husband is at home after 4 days in the hospital with some heavy duty antibiotics going straight into his veins. So now I get to spend my two week break catering to my husband, which I will gladly do. I've spent the past few days keeping this to myself because family would have panicked if they knew how close he came to dying. I don't see the need to scare anyone else since he is alive and healing. I needed to let it all out somehow so why not write it all down. Emma, our wonderful 16 year old daughter, has guessed, but that girl is too good at reading her mother. No matter how hard I try to keep things from her she manages to figure it out. She is too smart for my own good. Love her so much. I might be mean and make Scott watch some Dr. Who with me. And then...... The first day back from the hospital I get a call from the school telling me Ethan has been caught stealing money from a teacher. HOLY CRAP! We have been talking with him here about it but I'm not sure what the school is doing. Since he is Autistic I don't think they are going to punish him. Which is the wrong way to deal with it. This is so hard for me to comprehend. Out of all 4 of our kids, the one that has special needs is NOT the one I expected to pull something like is. I am beyond disappointed in him and angry and hurt. I've told him all of this but I'm not sure how much he has taken in just yet. He is acting like nothing is wrong and I'm not sure how to get through to him to make him understand how wrong he was. I am so upset with him it's been hard to even look at him. We took away his movies, his games, and make him sit on the couch and read a book. He sits there and glares at us and tells us it's for the birds, he shouldn't be treated this way. I hope we can get through to him to make him understand what he did was wrong. I really hope the school is doing the same thing. I'm glad school is almost out for the summer for a purely selfish reason this year. Ethan and Emma's dad is retiring from the Navy this summer and Ethan is going up with his grandparents to attend the ceremony and spend a month with his dad. Emma is refusing to go see her dad because of his wife. Their stepmother has some major issues (I think bipolar is one of those issues) and she refuses to get help. I'm not making Emma go because of these issues and truthfully if my ex's parents weren't going to the ceremony I don't think I would let Ethan go. But he wants to see his dad even though he doesn't like his stepmom. If the stepmom would get the help she needs and manage her illness I would have no problem with the kids going back to visit but until she does I will worry as long as Ethan is up there. Now, I'm glad Ethan is going, like I said for a purely selfish reason, I need a break. So many people don't get a break from their Autistic child and it's saddening because these breaks we get every other summer or so are much needed. Scott says I finally relax, I laugh more, I sleep better, and my stress level as a whole seems non-existent. School is over for a while, Ethan needs some major discipline, and my hubby is alive and getting healthy again. Life is still good and I'm thankful for everything we have.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Feeling Petty and Selfish

I try not to be selfish and petty, about anything. But every once in a great while something happens and that stupid feeling comes out. There are so many other things in this world, my town, even my household to be upset about but this one thing just hurt my feelings. As I posted, March 1st was our 10th Anniversary. None of our kids told us happy anniversary, or good job, or congratulations on making this milestone, because in my eyes it is a small milestone. My mom tossed an anniversary card at us and walked away, my MIL told us happy anniversary on face book. And that's it. For months before we talked about throwing ourselves a party and having our wedding cake redone because our wedding cake at our wedding was ruined and it sucked, the baker put in copious amounts of lard for some reason, anyways, we never planned a party due to money being tight so we didn't have our cake redone either. It just hurts my feelings that the people we love couldn't take the time to say a few simple words. And like I said there is so much more to worry about so I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I didn't care that we didn't have a big party, or another cake, or anything else. All we both wanted was to hear some loving words that day. I thank god we have each other and even though the past year has been rough in so many ways, I'm glad we are together and strong and working at our marriage, not just letting it fall apart or neglect each other. Maybe now that I have let all these feelings out I can let it go, move on, and forget it. Because I am not a petty and selfish person

Friday, March 01, 2013

Happy Anniversary To Us & Autism (a totally different topic)

Today is our 10th anniversary, that would obviously be mine and my husbands. It's been a wonderful day, he is feeling better and we were able to spend all day together. We spent the whole morning in bed snoozing since we have missed so much sleep this week with him and everyone else in the house being sick, we paid bills together (ooo fun), we got groceries, we shared a chicken sandwich and fries at Wendy's, we made dinner together, and watched a scary movie with Ethan. Now it's almost bed time because it's back to the real world tomorrow. Then tonight I read someone else's blog about how she gave her son Autism and it pissed me off to no end. Well, it wasn't just her post that pissed me off, it was some of the commenters. Makes me think some mean and horrible thoughts after reading some of the stupidity that was spouted off in praise of this lady. I'm not trying to take away from what she is living with and through, I will never deny someone their feelings, but some of the crap I read was astounding and I know that sounds like I am denying what someone feels but I'm not. I promise. This writer gave a list of things she is so very sure caused Autism in her son. I don't think these things caused her son Autism but I don't live in her head, I haven't read what she has read, and I don't know what doctors have told her. What I do think is that Autism can happen to any family no matter age of the parents, race, religion, ethnics, anything at all. How come some parents can have 3 children and all 3 are Autistic and I have 3 children as well and only one is Autistic? Who really knows what causes it? No one knows and that is why there is supposedly constant research on this. Do I really believe there is research for Autism? Not really but I would like to think that maybe some day someone does find out why and finds a way to stop it. Because having a son with Autism is HARD. It is something that we will have to deal with until the day I die and I worry so much literally every day about what will happen to my son when I die. I guess now I'm at the point that I don't wonder why he is Autistic, I wonder how his life will be when I am gone, I worry that my husband and I are doing something wrong but then at the same time feel we have done pretty damn good without the help of therapists and counselors and all the other crap other parents do. We didn't do all that stuff for the longest time because no one told me what to do after Ethan was diagnosed. We were told what he had and sent out the door with a smile and a good luck so we have done most of his "therapy" ourselves. And no he wasn't potty trained until 2 months before he started kindergarten but we did it, and no he didn't talk until he was 3 but now he can hold conversations with you and you might not always be able to follow him because he changes topics so often but you can understand him, and yes he mumbles sometimes but so does a "normal" person. And there are so any oddities about him but I love him for those oddities and wouldn't dare to dream of him being a "normal" person. To me Ethan is perfect and amazing and has such a loving heart. Well, now that I have ranted a little I will go to bed. I feel a little better. So thanks!! I needed to rant to calm down.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

May I go to sleep now?

I never realized just how easy I had it when I worked full time. I thought that was hard. HA! Ok, so working full time isn't hard, I know that but my job was obviously going no where and I was on a fast track to burn out so I was secretly thrilled when I found out I was getting laid off. This life I have now is so different. Working wasn't hard, it was different. Now I have work, just a different type of job, I have homework which seems to consist of 5 hours of homework a day besides the classes, and then normal housework. Last semester was so easy and this semester is the exact opposite. Makes me wonder what life will be like when I make it into the nursing program here. And I'm not saying if I make it, I'm saying when I make it. I'm not giving myself the option to fail at this or quit and just find another full time job. My goal, that I will achieve, is becoming a nurse and eventually specializing in pediatrics and NICU nursing. I want to help the tiny humans. It feels like the last 2 weeks have been filled with sick people at home so I'm up and taking care of the sick ones and not getting enough sleep for me to function properly. Now I think I have the crud that was passed through the house, and it couldn't come at a worse time. I have 3 papers due next week for my advanced comp class, so much biology and math to catch up on, and 2 papers for psychology 2. Plus tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. I'm trying so very hard to be thankful for my chance to go to college to expand my horizons and make a better life for my family. But. But, when it feels like nothing is going right and I feel like poop, it's hard to be thankful. I've gone to bed twice tonight to try to sleep and so far nothing. I think I am so exhausted and have so many lists and thoughts whirling through my mind that I can't turn my brain off long enough to sleep. Maybe some wine and advil will do the trick, or a big shot of nyquil. Every once in a while I see a commercial for an online school and all those people they feature, getting up early to do homework, work late at their job for money, and whatever else they show, I can't remember right now, and I think I'm doing that too but how do they not look as exhausted as I feel. And then I realize they are just actors. I'm sure everyone else in this world that is working, going to college, and taking care of their family is just as tired as I am. Now I'm going to turn off the lights in the house, put the dogs in their kennel, and I've decided to take some nyquil. I will sleep tonight (hoping being positive will help)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Soooooooo, I got laid off back in May, which sucked because of the benefits I lost, the people I don't see almost every day, and the feeling like I contribute to my family financially is gone. So I went back to college and am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, I thought for a while a nurse but Biology just evades me so I might need to rethink nursing because isn't biology all about that? Not sure but I will continue on until I figure something else out. I finally found a new job but it's only as needed but I figured it's a job where I have the option to go part time when a position opens up and they work around my class schedule. And then today I did our taxes and found we have to pay $400 to the state. So I get laid off, can't find a job for almost a year, go back to school to get an education in something else to find a better job than what I had and the state screws us over. State said screw you! You don't have a job so pay me money. Well, I kind of have a job but I just started it this year so for last year's taxes it doesn't really count. So I am trying to find a second job that will work around my class schedule and any hours I might get at my current job. But I keep hearing over qualified. Really? How in the hell an I be over qualified to deliver pizzas, or scoop ice cream, or check out groceries or movies or books or whatever else people are buying at stores. I applied at Sears and actually got a call for an interview but I was in class when they called so they left a message. I called back as soon as I listened to the message and was told the person who called was out until 1pm, ok I will call back. I called back at 1:30 and the lady doesn't remember calling me, has no record of my name in her application pile or anything. So I asked her why would I be calling her back if she hadn't called me, how would I know who to ask for. She had no answer. So I asked if I could go to her office and play her the voicemail that she left me asking me to call her back and set up an interview time. It took her a minute to say anything and then said I'm sorry, I just don't have record of you. So I said never mind and hung up. Maybe I should try to deliver pizzas again, and eat some chocolate. Maybe lots of chocolate and margaritas will help, at least for a couple of hours and seeing as how tomorrow is National Margarita Day all shall be ok tomorrow night, at least for a couple hours. Now that I have ranted I need to be grateful. I am healthy, I have the chance to go to college to get a better education which will help in the long run, I have a healthy family, I have bright, beautiful kids that make me laugh, I am doing pretty well in my classes (knock on wood, hope I'm not jinxing myself), my marriage is amazing and our 10 year anniversary is only a few days away, and so many other things to be thankful and grateful for. Time for a hot shower and coffee and off to class.