Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My Fairy Name

Your fairy is called Feather Hailtree
She is a protector of the lonely.
She lives in high places where the clouds meet the earth.
She is only seen when the first leaves fall from the trees.
She wears pale blue like the sky. She has cheery turquoise wings like a butterfly.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The End of 2008

First of all a belated Merry Christmas to all.

This year is almost over and I don't think I have ever been so grateful. Scott and I are doing quite a bit better but we still have work to do. Ethan is still up in Washington and from the sounds of it, staying. He is doing amazingly well. A down side is that he has gained over 20 lbs from the looks of the pictures I have seen. Emma flew up to Washington to spend the Christmas Holiday with her dad and stepmom and has texted me a few pictures. Emma has been miserable up there. She starts texting me at 7am and doesn't stop until almost midnight. I don't think they interact with her very much unless it is to try to talk her into moving up there with them permanently. Why would she want to do that when they won't spend much time with her. She's been up there since the 17th and she flies home on New Year's Eve. Very excited for her to come home. This was my first Christmas without Ethan and Emma and it was a little rough. I stayed busy enough to not think about it much but I still miss them.

Ronnie is doing so well here. He is a Sophomore with A's and B's in his honors classes, was on his way up to Varsity Wrestling until the muscles in his arm were torn. He is disappointed but dealing with it. Because of the torn muscles, wrestling is done for this year and Tennis is out as well. He said "it's all good, I still have the ladies". WOW, we have a steady string of girls coming through the house and have since school started. The friends he has made are great kids. I thought at first I would hate having a teenage boy here but I love it. Out of all the parents, Scott and I are the cool parents. They all spend the night here a few times a month and we have junk food and soda on hand at all times, live just 4 blocks from the mall, let them play video games as long as they stay quiet once Midnight rolls around, and insist on playing video games with them once in a while. The fact that I cook and bake for them plays a roll in the cool part for some reason. A couple have said their moms don't cook, they live on microwave foods. We manage to stay in touch with what they watch, listen to, like, and play and still manage to stay cool in their eyes.

Then there is Harley. He will be 5 in a month and half. He is sick right now and I've just spent 3 hours sitting in the rocking chair snuggling with him. I discovered his biggest disappointment for Christmas was no baby brother. He has asked for a baby brother all day now and can't grasp the concept the mommy and daddy can't have any more babies. We are both "fixed" so it would take an act of god and lots of money for us to have a baby. Some of the things that come from him are so fricking funny. He told me we need another Puggy to give Vegas a friend. We have been looking for another Pug and are trying to find a Pug Rescue close to us. So far no luck but we aren't giving up. It took us 8 months to find Vegas. Harley misses Ethan and can hardly wait for Emma to come home and wants a baby brother and another Pug. I asked him this morning what if mommy did have another baby and it was a girl. He said, nope won't happen, God knows he wants a boy so it would be a boy. He has a Mohawk right now and loves girls and spinach and is totally and absolutely fearless. Scares the crap out of me at least 10 times a day. He is the leader at preschool more than the others because that is the only way to keep him occupied. He is so far ahead of the others right now, I am afraid he is going to be bored in kindergarten. Guess I will deal with that when we get there. He is spelling out everything and reading and counts to 100 in English and can count to 10 in Spanish. It is so odd for me to have two boys, one Autistic, struggling to learn and the other, gifted, struggling to behave in preschool because he is so far ahead of the others. When the teachers started talking to me about him I thought they were full of it. The farther along preschool goes the more I'm realizing they weren't just yanking my chain.

Emma is 11 going on 18. The whole make up, clothes, shoes, friends thing that has sprung up since she started middle school is killing me. She kept a couple friends moving from elementary school up to middle school but the poor girl is like here momma and has boobs, which for some reason has attracted girls in the 8th grade to hang out with her. She is also a little taller than most of the kids in her classes. I wasn't allowed to wear make up until high school. I was going to do the same thing with Emma but she her new friends started putting it on her no matter what I said or did and the bunch of them ended up with Pink Eye. So I gave in and bought Emma her own makeup. The hair has changed quite a bit too. Her golden locks have been replaced with red hair on the lower half of her head and dark brown on the upper half. Her timidness is pretty much gone and her grades are up. So, the hair and makeup can stay as long as the grades are good. Truthfully I think having her older stepbrother living here, in almost all honors classes pushes Emma to work that much harder. Fine by me!

I am still at the same job, and still loving the job itself. Scott might be applying for a different job, better pay and benefits. Hoping he does for many reasons. Dig ourselves out of this mountain of debt we have, visit Disneyland a few dozen more times while we are still young, and who knows what else, oh yes, save for retirement!

As for my issue at work that has resolved itself. We are friends and that is it, ok co-workers and that is it. We talk about work and say Hi and Bye. It has taken a while to get there but we are. It was rough and there were lots of tears shed on both sides. I don't know what his home life is like anymore and he doesn't know about mine and it is better this way.

Scott and I talk ALOT more. Like we used to. We are spending alot of Us time again. Like we used to. All the things we did when our marriage was wonderful we are bringing back. I am alot calmer and the panic attacks I've been having throughout this year are gone. I haven't had one in almost 3 months now. Granted I should have seen my doctor about some of the issues I was having but I didn't and Scott worked through them with me. He calls it my MidWife crisis. You know, instead of my MidLife crisis. I really don't know what it was but we finally clicked again and life is almost back to normal since.

I told Scott if I ever go through something like that again please take me out to the back 40 somewhere and just shoot me, put me down so we don't ever go through this again.

Ok, I lied I know what clicked. Scott had a heart attack the first of October. That slapped the biggest piece of reality into me. He is doing good now, his heart tests came back showing no clogged arteries, but both upper chambers of his heart are enlarged. We keep an eye on him, get him to exercise more, and keep up with the diet he is on with some minor changes. He is a diabetic and his diet right now is pretty good.

And right now it is 12:20 am and I am exhausted so I'm going to bed. I will try to keep up better with this since I have absolutely sucked at this since my MidWife crisis started.

Only 3 more days til my baby girl comes home!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

A New Chapter in My Life

Well, another new chapter is about to begin. Last Sunday was a lazy morning. At first. Scott and I were being lazy and staying in bed until he absolutely had to get up and get ready for work. We could hear the kids playing in the front of the house and we didn't hear any fighting. Emma came in to tell us that Ethan had eaten lots of food during the night and Ethan came back screaming at her to shut up. We told all the kids to go out in the backyard for a while. After that it got very quiet. Scott was getting up to get ready for work and I was reading a book. Emma came back again, this time to say she couldn't find Harley or Ethan. They weren't in the backyard or any part of the house. We left the house to search the neighborhood. Scott finally found them 4 blocks away.
Ethan had packed a bag for him and one for Harley. They had a blanket and pillow and food. They were running away to live at the park.
I was just too angry to deal with Ethan so I did something I've never done before. I called his dad who is in Washington State and told him what had happened and asked him to talk to Ethan. I regret doing that now because what finally ended up being the solution is hurting me.
Apparently Ethan has wanted to live with his dad for a while now but hasn't told me because he didn't want to upset me. Apparently a lot of others have known this too but no one has wanted to tell me and upset me. I would rather have known than have Ethan live here and be upset. I know this all stems from the relationship between Scott and Ethan.
Scott feels Ethan shouldn't be treated any different just because he is a special needs child. OK, Yes I am easier on Ethan but he does have chores and is expected to do them. If he doesn't do them or throws a fit than he does get in trouble. Just not to the extent Scott feels is appropriate. He has had numerous doctors tell us that we can't treat Ethan like a normal child because he just isn't one. He will need different rules to accommodate for his disabilities. Scott just refuses to believe this.

So now Ethan is going to live with his dad and stepmom in Washington. We meet next weekend in Idaho. His new school doesn't start until after Labor Day so Ethan is going to go to school here for the week and then I take him out of school on Friday. I am so very sad that he is leaving but if this is going to make him happy then I will have to deal with it.

Scott keeps arguing with me about what time and where we should meet. He thinks I should make them change where we meet and when to make it easier for us. The place we meet is a 10 1/2 hour drive for both his dad & us. I don't understand why we should change and make them drive farther.

Our marriage that was getting better is back on the rocks because of this. I truly feel I'm being made to choose between my son and my husband right now. I haven't told Scott this because it wouldn't be fair to him. I don't know why I feel the need to please everyone all of the time. Something like that is just not possible and I'm usually the one that ends up hurt.

Scott did bring that up last weekend but I denied it. He has asked me if he needs to leave and in my state of hurt and anger I said yeah sure that would be great. Make me lose all but one person in my family in one weekend. Wrong thing to say but that is what I felt at the time.

It has taken us most of the week to talk at all and now that we are he has started harping on me again about where and when to meet them. I think it might need to be just Ethan, Emma, and myself making this trip. It might be good for just the 3 of us and that way Emma can say goodbye to her brother without Scott around to influence her. Emma loves her real dad but doesn't want to live with him. She said she is perfectly happy right where she is and doesn't want to leave Scott or me.

So in one week we will be back to just 3 kids.

I am so sad right now. I know it will get easier and I will deal with it but I just need some time to be able to be sad and Scott really doesn't understand this. He has been without Ronnie for 15 years and for some reason still can't seem to grasp how it is hard for to deal.

We haven't been to counseling in a month due to all the crap going on but I think it might be time to go back. Especially if he wants to save this marriage.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I forgot to mention that our Guinea Pig died. We knew it was coming but the kids still cried. I went to work one morning and he was breathing and squeaking at me for his carrots. I got home from work and he was stiff as a board. So I'm thinking he died not long after I left that morning. Ethan and Emma both cried hard. Harley kind of sniffled and then asked if we could feed him to the ants. Because you know, the ants are hungry. Then Scott and Ronnie took it one step further and wanted to stick a fire cracker up its butt. I put the dead rodent in a shoe box and threw it away.

I was considered the bad parent for a few days after that. Ethan and Emma were upset because they wanted to bury him. Harley upset because I wouldn't feed it to the ants. Scott and Ronnie upset because I wouldn't let them shove a fire cracker up it's ass.

What a week that was!
The first day of school came and went without too much drama. Stepson, I'm just going to use his name now that he lives with us, Ronnie, and Emma said it was ok and it took most of dinner to drag out what their teachers were like and the students they met. Emma and Ethan knew so many kids that came over with them from their elementary school but there were so many new kids there and Emma has already found a new boy to crush on. It's going to be a long year!
I took Ethan to school and Emma rode with a friend yesterday. I spent about an hour getting Ethan settled, his meds updated with the nurse and then wandered around and got a little nostalgic as I remembered my years at the school. It's a little strange having my kids go to the same elementary and middle school that I went to. Both schools have changed so much but are still the same.
Ronnie said his first day was pretty good. It was actually just the first day for kids moving up a school or new to the school district. Ronnie said he's ready for all the other students to show up so he can meet some GIRLS!!! He said he had about 10 girls give him their numbers yesterday but they were Freshmen and he wants to meet some Sophmores or Juniors now. Oh Joy

Found out that he can't start drivers ed until he's been here at least 6 months so I have time to get used to the idea and save money. We didn't get school supplies during tax free weekend because there were no lists to go by so we get to do that this weekend. And the lists for 3 kids is huge.

I took yesterday off to spend the day with Ethan at school but he told me he was fine I should just go home. I was a little shocked but I went home. I spent a few hours all by myself in a nice quiet house reading. I never get to do that again so I took advantage of the free time. I ate lunch with Scott, which made me sick, and then spent the afternoon rotating between the bed and the bathroom. Good times.

I feel better today, still a little queasy but no where near what I felt yesterday.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of doing nothing. It's almost noon and I've showered and paid bills and that is the extent of my day. Hopefully I can keep it up until Scott is home from work and its time to shop.

So I think I'll end this now and go lay down and read some more.

Oh, Scott and I are doing good right now. The sex is still not there but we talk and laugh like we used to so I'm going on the assumption that the sex will eventually come back. If it doesn't, well, I just don't know.

Have a good weekend all

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Connie Mack is here again

As much as I love baseball I don't pay that much attention to it. I miss the days I played rec softball. I miss the people I saw there and only there. And truthfully I miss the girl who got me involved in softball. We met as Sophomores in high school and were best friends until 5 1/2 years ago. That just happened to be the time Scott came along. I discovered that this friend liked Scott just as much as I did. Problem? This time no. As friends we often liked the same guy but I always bowed out and let her go after him. Why? Because she was, I was going to say stronger but that's not right. I'm just as strong a woman as she was or is. She has always been just that much more sure of herself than I was. Maybe not anymore but in high school she was. Scott asked me out on a date, over the phone, even though he'd never met me. I didn't know this but he had seen me so he knew what I looked like.
This made my friend so upset but she never once told me. She just set about her own way to try to steal Scott from me. But Scott found her repulsive. I could never figure out why until she finally admitted the truth to me. Scott saw through her immediately. He knew what kind of person she really was. For some reason I was blind to it for years and years.
Even after all that she did to try to sabotage Scott and myself I still miss her. Especially during Connie Mack.
We would go to the games together and sit and watch the games, unlike every other teenage girl that was there. The other girls were there to socialize, flirt with boys, be seen, but never to actually watch the games. We both got married and she moved to the East Coast and I moved to the West Coast. We both moved back after a time and she got me involved in rec softball.

So I miss softball but for some reason I haven't tried to find a new team to join to play again. I still go to Connie Mack games but I go with just family. I say just family but I've gone to games with my mom since I was in elementary school. It's our bonding time I guess, we sit in the bleachers in the same seats we've had since I was little and watch those teenage boys play. It's quite exciting to hear who has made it to the big leagues after playing at our little series. It has been in Farmington for 44 years now. Scott keeps teasing me that they are looking for a new home for it. He is really not a baseball fan. But he goes to some of the games because he knows I enjoy it. Kind of like I watch Nascar or go to the races with him because I know he enjoys it.

Tonight is the third night of this years series and games start in 6 hours, 5:15pm.

Our marriage is slowly getting stronger. We are re-learning to talk through our problems and actually talk, not bottle things up. Our latest issue that we are trying to work through is both of our schedules.

I told him I might start going on call on the weekends, if I did it would be with a laptop at home, I wouldn't have to go anywhere and it would be maybe once a month. He got so upset at this and said we barely spend any time with each other as it is. I really don't know how to respond to this because he has worked 7 days this week. He was supposed to be off Thursday and today. But the store in Durango, a 45 minute drive from our house, called last week and said they would need help and asked Scott to fill in. He said yes. Granted the over time pay is nice but that is what cuts into our time together, not my job but his unwillingness to say no when they need help at his job. We were supposed to spend today finishing up school shopping since it is tax free weekend, have my mom's birthday lunch (because obviously we can't miss a game for a birthday dinner, mom's choice not mine!), and just be together.

Even though there are so many weeks that he works 7 days a week for the overtime it is my job that keeps us from spending time together. I have a cake job. I work Monday through Friday either 9-6 or 8-6. On the rare week that a certain co-worker is off I work 8-6 all week long. I think the problem is not my time spent at work, its that I absolutely love my job. I do make less since I transferred to the new position but it is worth it for my sanity. There is just as much stress as the old position but it is a different kind of stress. A kind I am able to deal with so much easier. Part of the problem is that I work with mainly men now. I have discussed, in short detail one man in particular. Which Scott is aware of. He knows of feelings. The feelings are still there but we only talk about work or his wife's pregnancy. She isn't due for a month but she is already contracting and dilated to a 2.

It is hard staying away from him but I'm doing it. I am in no way proud of how I've acted for most of this year but I'm trying to change and feel I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

I can tell I'm doing a better job at being a mom again. My patience is not where I want it to be but from reading so many other mom's posts I'm not the only one in this boat of thinning patience.

Wow, I went from baseball to my life. :) I am getting happier with my life and hope it continues.

My concern now is getting a 15 year old through high school as easily as possible, 2 tweens through middle school without too much drama, and a little demon through his last year of pre-school even though he feels he should be starting kindergarten and just doesn't understand why he isn't starting that big school this year.

Oh, and the 15 year old is begging to start driver's ed.

Which it is time.....

But are we ready??????

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Another posting draught has entered my life. Too many things going on & I don’t know where to start.
Stepson has moved in with us and so far it has been a pretty smooth transition. He is such a great kid that life is pretty good on the kid front right now. He does chores and the house and yard work without being asked or told. He helps out with Harley and tolerates Emma’s hounding so well. Emma complained and whined that he was moving in but I do believe she secretly loves having him here all the time. She is starting to really come out of her shell and I just hope that starting middle school in 2 weeks and 3 days doesn't force her back in to it.
Ethan and Emma just got back from a 2 week camping trip with their dad, stepmom, and the OutLaws. Emma has gone into great detail of where they were, what they saw, what they didn’t get to do, and even what they ate. She was bummed because her dad and stepmom wouldn’t let her and her stepsister explore a small area around their camp ground. I can understand, they were at Yellowstone. So instead of telling the girls they have to sit in camp all day and do nothing, go explore with them!! But no, that didn’t happen. Emma said she did have fun but was just so bored most of the time.
Ethan hasn’t said much other than he now wants to go live with his dad. The first time he said it I didn’t exactly blow it off but I skirted the comment and redirected his line of thinking. I assumed it was a one time thing because that’s what Ethan does, after every summer spent with his dad he wants to move there. But once he’s home for a couple of days he changes his mind. This time he hasn’t. He keeps asking. I guess I need to write my ex and tell him what is going on. I explained to Ethan that since school starts in just a couple weeks and he’s already registered at his new middle school that he will have to go to school here this year and we shall see how it goes towards the end of the school year and see how he feels. I really don’t know how to feel about this!
We just went through this with stepson moving here. We drove 18 hours to Texas to pack up stepsons stuff and move him back here. The day we got him his mom and stepdad had a going away BBQ for all of their friends to say goodbye. I met almost all of his friends and they were all so nice and supportive of what he was doing. I went in kind of tense, ready to defend myself against someone saying that we are stealing stepson away but everyone was so nice. They made sure to include me in their conversations while Scott signed paperwork, which caused a huge fight between us but that is for later.
Stepson’s mom cried and held onto ME, not stepson but me, saying over and over she knows I will take good care of her son but please take good care of her son. She has had him for 15 years so I can imagine how hurt she must have felt.
Stepson didn’t leave on good terms. He said he has fought with his mom and stepdad constantly for so long now and he is tired of it. He said some things that were pretty terrible but we have no proof of so we can’t do anything about it.
Harley is as precocious as ever. I find myself arguing with the 4 year old of the family more and more and I am just amazed at his vocabulary. Either that or the other kids his age that we know are just way behind in their speech development. I know that all children develop at different speeds but we know one girl that squeals when she talks, I have never heard a normal tone come out of her mouth. She has probably half the vocabulary that Harley does. Her mom, of course, thinks it is so cute that she squeals all the time, she’ll make the perfect teenager the mom says. Yikes. But her mom is also a teacher that should know there is something wrong with her daughter’s speech by now. Denial, I went through it with Ethan and being diagnosed with Autism.
Scott and I are trying. We haven’t been to a counseling session in a month but with all the traveling we have done this month we haven’t had time. Connie Mack starts Thursday so counseling will have to wait until that is over. We now have a decent line of communication going. We quit walking away from things that need to be discussed and we realized that life is actually a lot easier if we talk something out right away.
We argue now, which was something we didn’t do before. Apparently some arguing is healthy for a marriage. Who knew?
While we were separated our sex life was Hot. It is back to lukewarm. Not sure why that has happened. He says it’s because I don’t want him anymore. If I don’t want him anymore than why I didn’t I just tell him to stay away when he was out of the house. Why was our sex life so good when he was out?
I think we just need to learn to incorporate sex back into our life as a couple with 4 children, 2 full time jobs, and a needy mom/mother-in-law.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Scott moved back in last weekend. A few days before our 4th counseling session. It shocked me that he just showed up last weekend with most of his stuff and Harley's stuff and they never left.
Truthfully I'm not sure how I feel about this. I have barely slept since they came back. I am so so happy Harley is back and I have missed him so much but Scott? We are too busy either bickering or walking around each other on egg shells, afraid to say something wrong and make the other mad.
Even though he just moved back in we have a whole new development that will test us alot more than what we have already gone through. Scott's 15 year old son will be moving in with us in a month. Permanently. Not just for 6 weeks during the summer. We get to register him in school, he wants to be a volunteer firefighter when he turns 16, drivers ed, and whatever else might pop into his highly intelligent mind. This kid is so smart it's a little scary. I totally understand why he wants to move here. His mom tries to treat him like an adult when it comes to the housework and school work but when it comes to actually talking to him and listening to him she either can't or won't. He will try to talk to his mom about his future and all she can talk about is how he's doing on his school work. He tries to talk to her about the death of his uncle a few months ago and she ignores him. He won't have more freedom here but he will have open minded parents that will listen to him and talk to him.

Not sure what this will bring, trying to repair our marriage and adding a teenage boy to the mix.

Actually after last night I'm really not sure how much longer we will be together. We went to bed not long after he got home from work at 10:30pm. Which is about 1/2 hour later than normal..... We shared a piece of chocolate cake and watched CSI Miami and I dozed off about 1am. I'm not sure what time he went to sleep but he was upset with me for falling asleep when I did. At 2:30am my cell phone rang and at that time of night I just answer the phone, I didn't look at the screen to see who it was. I assumed it was Emma because she spent the night with a friend and always seems to get sick during sleep overs.
It wasn't Emma. It was a guy I work with. One I would have never expected to call me at that time of the night, or actually any time of the night. He was at home and drunk and looking for someone to talk to. Or at least that's what I thought. I talked to another co-worker this morning after Scott left for work, yes, the one that I should be staying away from but we just can't seem to leave each other alone. He got a kick out of this other guy calling, he said he had to have been horny and looking for someone to come over and have some fun. I have no idea why he thought of me. This is a guy that I never thought of that way. He's a funny guy, intelligent but has never interested me that way.

So Scott is just pissed off that this guy called. I told Scott I couldn't help it, I can't control what he did, I had him off the phone in under 30 seconds. Don't know what else I could have done. Could have turned my cell phone off but I never do when Emma is at a sleep over.

Just one more thing we will have to work through.

As Walker said in his last comment, are we really in love with each other or just think we need to be with each other now.

That is the big question for us at the moment.

While I peruse this please go check out http://thewassellfamily.blogspot.com/. I don't know her personally but she is a very good friend of a co-worker and the family is having some very rough times right now. They need every one's thoughts and prayers.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I realized it has been over a month since I last posted. Scott is still out of the house but we are in marriage counseling. He has said that he will move back home after the 4th counseling session, depending on my attitude. This next Thursday will be our 4th session. I can understand giving it time to come back home, we are finally talking and I'm learning not to bottle up my hurt and anger or any other feelings besides happiness. It's coming at a price because now we argue alot more than we ever have. I guess that's a good thing because we are actually talking now.
But the whole depends on my attitude has angered me. It took two of us to get here and it's going to take two of us to get our marriage back.

I've been more of a weekend wife for him. He stays here on the weekends and Sunday night he goes back to his parents house. They are redoing their basement and have plans to turn it into an apartment for Scott and Harley. Which is fine because if we don't work out then they have a place that won't cost Scott rent every month.

I thought I was ready for him to come home but the more time we spend together this weekend the more I'm not ready. I quit sleeping again or when I do sleep it's very restless. I am so tired again. I don't know what to do!

Emma is so unhappy that we are trying to save our marriage. She was happy thinking it was going to be just her, Ethan, and me again. She was even leaving Harley out. I don't know how to help her either. I feel she should be used to us being married now because we have been married 5 years.

When he is in the house I'm back to tryin to make sure everyone is happy but me. And that's just not going to work. I need to find a way to even things out but I don't know where to start.

I have all these I don't know things going on at home and I feel kind of stupid for it. At work I kow exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it. I have people calling me for help constantly because even if I don't have the answer I can find it pretty fast. I love my work. I still don't love my home life. People at work keep talking to me about finding that even balance of good home/good work life but it just eludes me.

At work I know who I am but at home I don't. At work HE is still there. HE talks about going back to a previous job but doesn't know when HE will. I did tell Scott I have feelings for this other guy. It, of course, pissed him off and hurt him. This whole time that we have been separated if I go out it's with him. Scott accepted a date with another woman. He ended up not going but the thought of him going out with someone else killed me. I was a wreck.

This whole thing has also shown me exaclty what his parents think of me. Apparently I am too young for him and too immature. I didn't know at our age that 9 years was too old for me or too young for him.

We've both acted immature during our separation but I think that is what hurt people do. And now we are working on it.

Time to go.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there. I hope you have a good one.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

No Guarantees

He has been out of the house for 2 weeks now. When we are together we don't talk. Well, we talk about the "normal every day" stuff. Kids, work, family.
The way we talk about us is through text messaging. That seems to be the only way he can open up and talk to me. I hate it. He sends me these long text messages to me while I'm at work. I feel obligated to respond to them, which of course takes away from work. If I go for a couple of hours without answering because I'm busy he gets upset. Not mad, almost whiny, like I'm ignoring him on purpose.
It is getting easier to be around him, at least the achy feeling has stopped. I realized I would tense my whole body up when he was around. When he would leave, and I was finally alone, I would finally breathe. I would let myself relax.

He brought me ice cream last night. We sat next to each other on the bed and shared it. We didn't really talk but at least it didn't feel too weird.

I really don't know what else to say right now. I want to say I'm happier without him but I still don't know. So I guess that means I'm not happier without him. Or maybe its just my heart healing pain.

He told me again today he can't give me the one guarantee I'm asking for. All I'm asking for is communication. I don't see how that is such a bad thing to want. My first marriage had absolutely no communication other than him yelling and me crying. He knew how bad my first marriage was. Scott has never been abusive in any way. The only similar thing between this marriage and the last is the lack of communication.
I'm tired of being the one carrying the emotional part of this marriage.
His idea of fixing something is to make me laugh. That only masked our issues. Now that they are big and in his face he is having a hard time dealing with it.
He blames himself for this.
I blame myself for this.
In reality, it's both of us that caused this.
I don't know where we will be in a month or a year but I'm going to make sure to protect me better this time than I did the last time.
If that sounds harsh, Oh Well. I'll make sure I'm OK and my kids are OK.

Sunday, May 04, 2008


All that talking has lead to Scott moving out. He moved out a 1 1/2 weeks ago. He also took Harley with him.
Not sure what to say about that right now. I'm sleeping more, and through the night finally. Don't know if it is because I am happier that he is gone or because I'm depressed. I'm actually spending time with Ethan and Emma though. We go to the park almost every day after dinner. We walk and ride bikes and play basketball. The days I don't talk to Scott I feel good. The days I do talk to Scott I feel horrible. My head pounds and my stomach hurts. I just hurt all over. I miss Harley dearly but I talk to him every day and he spent the night with us Friday night.
Scott and I have gone out on "dates" twice now. Last Saturday we went to Red Lobster and tried to have a nice meal and start the talks on where we are going. But it was Prom night for one of the high schools here and so we didn't talk much during dinner. After dinner we drove around and we both spilled everything onto the table. Then I made the mistake parking the car so I could concentrate more on talking and less on driving.
We started making out like teenagers. Then we were even more stupid and got a room. Being with him didn't feel right. Don't get me wrong, it felt good but not right.
When I finally got home that night I couldn't sleep. I think I dozed off about 4am or so.
Friday night I took Ethan and Emma to see Iron Man. Great movie. I loved it! But they called and invited Scott to go with us. I kept my mouth shut and he sat by me in the movie. He kept wanting to touch me, hold my hand, put his arm around me. Awkward.

When the movie was over I took the kids and left and he went, well, I'm assuming just drove around because an hour later he asked if he could come over and talk. Stupid me again. Said yes. He lay in bed next to me and couldn't keep his hands off me. Still doesn't feel right being with him. He left a couple of hours later, after lots of touching and little talking. I told him that had to quit. No more until we know where we are.

Last night we went out again, just the 2 of us. Dinner was good but I lost my appetite. He kept crying through dinner and then he started yelling at me. He paid the bill took me home and got the boys and left. It was already arranged for him to have Ethan and Harley spend the night with him last night.

Right now my head hurts so bad. I slept but I don't know how well. He tried to text me after he left but I never answered them.

We went from everyone thinking we had the perfect marriage to this. I've gotten a little teary over this but I haven't flat out cried. Makes me wonder why.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Where to start

We finally talked last night. After a week of avoiding each other. And it wasn't pretty.

What came out of him is that he didn't realize what he was doing. He didn't realize he had been so unbearably grouchy or coming down harder on my kids or being just plain mean.

What came out of me was so much more. I am just unahppy right now. Unhappy with my life. I am so ready to send Ethan and Emma to live with their dad for a while so I don't mess them up even more than I already have. I want Harley to go away because everything he does irritates me. I don't know how to deal with a "normal" 4 year old boy and Scott doesn't know how to deal with a "special" 12 year old boy.

I feel after almost 6 years together we should have found a compromise on how to raise the kids. We still haven't found a way that works for both of us.

Scott is a generation older than me and he is a die hard Marine. He is so stubborn and set in his ways and I don't think he can change. Really though, how fair is it of me to ask him to change. He shouldn't have to change.

Right now I am the one changing. I need a serious mental break but I don't know how to get there. Ethan and Emma are going camping with their dad and step mom at the end of July. I don't want to wait that long for a break.

I am a horrible mom right now and I know it. Scott says I'm being human, the stress of the new position at work (which I really don't feel stressed from work anymore but maybe I am, just a different kind of stress), stress of having my mom live with us (she has made it perfectly clear if we move she is coming with us), the stress of having a special needs child slowly going into teenage hood, the stress of having a 4 year old (I swear the terrible two's are nothing compared to the Horrible Fours), and never having a break.

This is selfish of me but I want some me time in my own home. A whole day to have peace and quiet and watch SciFi all alone or listen to music and read a book or take a bath uninterrupted. The older kids get the house to themselves 3 times a week after school. Scott is alone in the house 2 to 3 times a week and same for my mom. They have their time to just be.

Just typing this I sound horribly selfish.

I am changing somehow but so far I don't like the person I am becoming. And I really don't know how to stop me.

Scott asked if there was someone else. I did say no because when it comes down to it, there is no one else. There is only stupid, selfish little me.

I went to see the doctor about my stomach and he said my problem is stress. I am letting things get to me and need to find a way to relax and de-stress. Or I could be looking at an ulcer very soon.

The busier I keep the easier it is not to think. I have more laundry that needs to be done so I'm going to end this now.

I feel like last night I hit bottom so the only way to go is up.


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Today was a beautiful day. 74 degrees outside. Sunny with a light breeze. Almost perfect.

What made it even better was Scott got home early from work, about 3 hours early. We spent the day together and we both tried to be nice to each other. At first it was really hard. I wanted to just run our errands and then go home. He wanted to stop at this store and that store and look at stuff for my new truck. If I didn't show interest in something he would look at something else.

He tried so much harder than me to be nice. By the end of the day we were almost enjoying each other. We did lots of yard work and finally, finally got around to taking down our Christmas lights. We are such big procrastinators.

I thought about Him quite often but the busier I stayed the easier it was to not think about Him. I have to go back to work tomorrow and so maybe we'll have both come to our senses by then.

Right now Scott is on the lap top looking up license plates for the front of both of our trucks.

I'm still at a point where I don't want to talk to him. The meanness and attitude lasted too long, almost 3 months. I know some women deal with it so much longer and I dealt with it for 5 years of my first 6 year marriage. But he has never done this before. I think that is why I'm not quite ready to forget it so we can move on.

He did hug me today and we did kiss for a minute in the kitchen, almost burning dinner. But then he picked up his glasses and walked away. He hasn't tried to touch me since.

We both worked hard today though, maybe he is just tired. I know I am.

Not sure what else to say right now. I am tired and sore, yard work always brings out muscles you never realized you had. I think it is time for a hot shower and bed.

Unfortunately I know he will stay out here in the living room, playing on the lap top until probably 2 or 3 am. If he comes to bed with me I will be shocked.

On that bright note, sarcasm here, I hope you all have a good week.

And my stomach still doesn't feel any better. I discovered I've lost 15 lbs in the past 3 1/2 months. I'm proud of me! I'm not starving myself to lose weight, at least not on purpose right now. I've just cut down on what I eat and found fruit and veggies to snack on at work are easier than anything else.
If my stomach would quit with this whatever it is doing, I will eat normal again.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

So I can't get away from this subject lately. The guy at work. I wrote what I did to see if anyone I work with still reads this and from the none reaction I got about the last blog I think they have all quit reading here.
Which is just fine because I now I can truly talk and use this for what I truly intended, a diary of sorts. I can't write all my thoughts in an actual diary because my daughter is too snoopy. I know my husband wouldn't read a diary but he would be extremely curious.
So here goes
We have been married 5 years now. We have 5 kids between us. Our marriage is pretty rocky right now. It has been since just before our anniversary, so about 3 months now. He is very good at his job and enjoys it because he deals with cars and car parts all day. The bigwigs in his division have noticed him and are encouraging him to advance and take the managers board to try to move up in the company. The first time he took the board for 1st assistant he failed. Just barely but enough that he has to take it again.
This past week I have felt horrible. Every time I eat I get sick, so I've been sticking to yogurt drinks and oatmeal. Those two foods seem to be ok with my stomach. Since I haven't felt good I've been going to bed earlier than normal, before he gets home from work. When he is home he either doesn't talk to me or snaps at me. I spent all last Friday night curled up in bed hurting and crying because I was so tired of the arguing and feeling crappy. Every other night, when he has been home, he will make dinner and then watch one of his shows. If I tried to talk to him he would just grunt.
I finally found out this big attitude is because he is going up on the managers board again and actually took the test Thursday. He told me the night before that he needed to study but had never brought any materials home to look at. I said that first thing that popped in my head, which was How come you didn't tell me you were taking the board again. He swears he did. I don't remember. So we argued.
We actually went out last night to some friends house to play cards and ended up talking and laughing and having a wonderful time. As soon as we got in the truck to come home the talking stopped and everything I said was greeted with a grunt.
He is planning another trip to Disneyland without kids this summer and at this rate, I don't want to go. His sister and her husband are coming but I still don't want to go. I don't want this to go on til then, you know, I don't think it will last that long but who knows. My first husband and I went for months without talking, and that was when his ship was in port. I'm not comparing the marriages or men right now, just commenting that I know silence can last a very long time.
He finally told me I have been nagging him about moving up in his company. I didn't realize I had done that. According to Scott I've been doing that for about a year now. I have been making him unhappy for about a year. I didn't know. He's never said anything. He still loves me but he's not happy with me. When he kisses me it's a peck on the lips or the cheek. We used to have long make out sessions, acting like teenagers and embarrassing the kids. We haven't done that in so long.
I haven't told anyone else about this. Not even my friend at work. We email each other all kinds of crap all day long at work but we quit talking about our families when I changed positions. It's just easier to talk about family stuff face to face with her. She knows we are having problems and I know she is having problems. We have decided together we have one huge problem and should just take the kids and run away to Fiji. And we each get our own cabana boy!

The punk at work really isn't a punk and he is really my age. He isn't tattooed or a freak. Since the few I was expecting a response from never said anything I am going to assume they quit reading about me. So I'm going to open up a little bit right now. I just need to vent. Maybe that will help clear my head and open my eyes.

This guy is absolutely wonderful. We spend a lot of time together at work when his schedule allows it. We've eaten lunch together and we talk and we stare into each other's eyes. Time flies when I am with him. The thought of him, the sound of his voice, when someone says his name I get all hot and flustered and my face turns red. There have been a couple of days where lunch was spent just staring at each other. I felt like I fell into him, I feel like I can't look at him enough. I am so torn right now. I'm not even close to thinking that the grass is greener on the other side but....
He'll touch my face when he walks into my office at night to give me his daily paperwork. He'll run his fingers through my hair or lightly run his fingers down my arm.

I feel like a damn teenager with him. Butterflies in my stomach. Flushed cheeks. When I'm alone I have trouble concentrating on what I should be doing. I do ok when I'm with my family and don't seem to have a problem paying enough attention to them. Scott hasn't mentioned it, but then again he has been in his own little world for so long now.

I see nothing but his eyes when I stare at the computer screen at work. Every guy that calls in work to me, I hear his voice, when it really is him calling I get the stupidest grin on my face.

ALL of this is so scary and exciting and I don't know what the Hell I am doing. I know damn good and well, I am being stupid.

Right now though my excuse is that with him helping me feel better about life in general right now he is helping me be a better person at home. Before we discovered all of this I was just as grouchy at home as Scott was. My mom mentioned that I seem to have calmed down and asked if Scott and I were ok now. I told her I don't know. Her comment tells me that this other guy has grounded me some how and brought me back to earth so I am nicer to my family.

Scott and I have been together almost 6 years now. I guess that 7 year itch hit early. Or maybe he is really not happy with me anymore.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Happy Late Easter and Early Tax Day

The talk around work is that the tax deadline is just a few days away. Ours are done and already spent. That's the problem with a refund, it goes so fast!

So updates on the last post. The one friend didn't win the City Council Post he was hoping to get. The other friend is still gunning for Congress and has filed the papers and been to I don't know how many meetings.

The guy at work that has the hots for me? Well, I'm just going to leave that alone right now. Truthfully I don't know if I will ever talk about that here. Maybe if I had a blog that was full of nothing but naughty, nasty writing. Enough said.........

But I've discovered it's not just that one punk kid that has the hots for me. There are a couple of others.

I quickly lost the thought that only my husband could find me sexy.

I went from answering phones in a call center to my own office where I get to boss a bunch of men around and it has now gone straight to my head!

Absolutely horrible of me but I am truly lovin' it. For the past couple of years I hated to get up for work. Since I switched positions I love going to work.

I haven't forgotten at all what I look like, I don't think I am sexier or cuter than I really am but having these men tell me I am sexy and beautiful is great for the self-esteem.

Enough of that for now.

I splurged and traded in my car for a brand new Dodge Nitro. It is the burnt orange color. Ok, my car was fine, granted it has been losing gas and nobody can find where the leak is, but other wise it was working fine.

I've had it for a week now and love it! Better gas mileage than my car, with gas prices so high, that is a good thing. I love being up higher, so much easier to see what is ahead of me now. I know Harley loves it too.

The kids have named it Hellboy because of it's color. I wonder how many families actually name their cars?

Already time to go. All that is going through my head is how my afternoon at work went. It's not x-rated but it had the opportunity to go there. I am just no ready to write down what happened.

Emma is ranting and raving about how unfair it is that I have computer time after dinner and she doesn't.

Me thinks it is time to remind her of who pays the bills around here!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Interesting Life

So, I have a friend that is running for city council. Another friend that is running for Congress. And a new guy at work that has the hots for me.

The friend running for city council has a good chance of winning. That would be great for him because he is so passionate about our town. He has so many ideas that he's constantly talking about that it's time for people besides his wife, myself and Scott, and our other friends, to hear.

The friend running for Congress... I'm not sure. He thinks he has a chance just because of his name. Very Mexican name. He might have a chance. I actually work with him and he runs his speeches by me at least 3 times a week. He has some good ideas too, just not the money. Maybe not having the money to run will help him win too. Who Knows!?!?!

And then there is this new guy at work. He knows I am happily married. He is married, not so happily. His wife is 4 months pregnant and he felt the need to share with me that the night she got pregnant is the last time they had sex. Supposedly she beats on him. He has come to work quite a few times with scratches on his face, a black eye now and then. I keep telling him that when she does hit him to call the police. Supposedly she is bipolar and he is afraid that if he files for divorce now she will hurt herself enough to kill the baby. He has plans to leave her when the baby is born and file for custody. I told him to definitely report the abuse so he has record for the courts when he is ready. I don't know if he has called them or not yet. He is nice enough, he's only worked there about 3 or 4 months. He is cute in a punk sort of way. But he is 7 years younger than me and the way he talks sometimes makes that feel like a whole other generation. I just don't understand him. He makes me feel about my husbands age.

This guy thinks I am sexy, hot, sweet, nice, and he has made it very clear that if I were to say yes I want to have sex with you he would be naked in a second.

It's actually kind of weird to get this kind of attention from someone other than my husband. My husband thinks all of those things about me too. He shows it by always touching me. If he just walks by me at home he trails his hand across my back or my butt. I'm used to my husband telling me how hot and sexy he thinks I am.

I don't think I am hot or sexy. My husband makes me feel that way just by looking at me, like he wants to devour me. I love dressing up for him. And showing off for him. I just love and lust him.

It's just weird having another man say it to me. He made sure it was after work hours and we weren't in our office. We were in the parking lot so we were right outside our office.

I'm horrified, flattered, scared, curious.

I just don't feel like I'm the type of person that another married man becomes interested in. Or any other man at all. I don't know why I feel like this.

He told me this about 2 weeks ago but hasn't said anything since. He talks to me about work stuff and when he walks by my office he smiles. It's not just a friendly smile. Sometimes it's a shy smile, other times it's almost like he wants to come in and shut my door and do crazy things.

Time to go. Harley just ran in, naked, and yelling OH SHIT!!!

I deserve the mother of the year award right now.

Have a great weekend.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Harley = 4 Years Old

Scott and I woke up at 8am this morning and the first thing he said to me was "what were you doing 4 years ago today".

Well, since you ask I was knocked out cold and having a baby ripped out of me. For some reason my family hates it that I say that. I guess it's just the image they get when I say ripped out.

I am so excited for him to grow and learn and experience life but at the same time I want him to still be a baby. He's my last baby. No more can come from me.

We made it to church so everyone could sing happy birthday to the birthday boy. As the congregation (we go to a very small church) started singing he proceeds to hide under my chair. The church is small enough we sit in folding chairs. No pews for us yet, even though we have been a church for about 25 years now. We just don't seem to grow. Scott wants to go to the other Methodist church here but I'm a charter member of this church and except for that one old cow I would miss the other members. That one old cow is the one that told people I had killed my granny.

After church we stopped by the store and picked up Harley's Spiderman birthday cake. As soon as I can get pictures up I will. He's been talking about his birthday for a couple of weeks now. But not just about his birthday but about his Spiderman Birthday. He ADORES Spiderman.

For lunch he ate two popcorn shrimp and then asked for cake. Scott was watching the Daytona 500 so I convinced Harley that he needed a nap and we took a 2 hour nap. He told me he wasn't tired but within 2 minutes he was out. The only thing he insisted on doing was taking his pants off and napping in just his shirt and his undies. He informed me it was more comfortable to sleep kinda naked. Ok, as long as he slept I was happy.

When we woke up we dug out his hidden decorations and helped me put up his birthday stuff and ran around the house barely containing his excitement that Nana and Grandpa were coming for his Spiderman Birthday.

He ate two bites of pork chop, 3 bites of mac & cheese and then ran and grabbed his presents to open. We managed to convince him to wait until every one was finished eating before opening his presents.

Scott and I got him a big boy bike with training wheels. We had it hidden in our truck so he didn't see it until dinner. He kept walking around it and saying he didn't want a bike but he kept coming back to inspect it. He spent a good hour walking around with his new helmet on. He wants his bike now. It's a cool green color appparently.

He was thrilled with the Spiderman underwear and socks and has proudly displayed them on the end table in our living room. He also got some Spiderman toys and coloring books.

It's almost midnight and he is finally asleep. It should be so much fun getting him up for school in the morning.

I'm off to bed, I'm so tired after the fast weekend that I think I need another day to just relax.

Hope you all have a good week.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Happy Late Valentines Day

Life has been so crazy for the past few months and it has finally calmed down. My new position at work is great and my hours are finally back to a normal 40 hour week. Over time every now and then but not very often.

Ethan's birthday came and went without much partying. Puberty is really messing with him. Puberty is hard enough for a normal kid but I'm discovering that one with special needs has an even harder time with that part of life. He had a Transformer themed party with just us and was perfectly happy with that. I still can't believe he is 12 years old.

Harley will be 4 in 2 days. He's still supposed to be a baby! He talks so well and asks questions and he is just so normal. I'm amazed by him every day because I never had that with Ethan. He jumps and climbs and runs and is so active. He has been potty trained for almost a year now, even over night. Some people tried to tell me that he was trained late but I decided long ago that kids use the potty when they are ready, not when us parents think they are ready. He goes to pre-school 5 days a week and adores it and gets mad most weekends when he doesn't go. He loves to learn and will make letters and numbers with his trains. He's mad because he can't go to kindergarten yet and ride the school bus with his brother and sister.

Miss Emma will be 11 in 22 days. She's counting down the days not me. I am splurging on her and we are having a swimming party and I am renting the whole aquatic center here just for her party. No strangers! But that is the only way I am going to get in a bathing suit for her party. It will be just a bunch of people that we know.

It's been so long since I wrote anything that I have no idea where to start.

So thank you to Walker for checking in on me and saying hi!

Right now Emma and I are being lazy and watching Torchwood on BBC. I love SciFi shows like Torchwood, Doctor Who, the Outer Limits. Supernatural and Ghost Whisperer are good too. Sounds like I watch tv all the time but I don't. I have resorted to recording the shows I like and having a marathon sitting watching them. Maybe twice a month I get to do that. I was doing ok until the show Moonlight started and it takes longer to get thru my shows. At least I can fast forward thru commercials.

Scott will be home from work in about half an hour and then we will go grocery shopping. I love going this late at night because there are few people there. The ones that are shopping this late are just as freaky, if not freakier, than us. If I go shopping during the day I get too stressed and have a hard time dealing with all the people. I don'd mind crowds at all, Disneyland is proof of that, but people and shopping are pushy and rude and have no consideration for others. I try my hardest to watch for others around us and be polite. My husband says I'm too nice and need to learn that sometimes you have to be a little mean.

Two weeks from today Scott and I are leaving for annual Vegas NASCAR trip. This year it just happens to land on our Fifth anniversary. And we can't find one single show we want to see. Last year Rascall Flats was performing at Mandalay Bay. There were a couple of other big names, that I just don't remember now, and this year nothing we want to see. We might end up at some topless review. Who knows. Just walking around the Strip can be interesting, watching all the freaks. Maybe we will try to find a chapel and renew our vows with Elvis.

Signing off for now. Walker, I'll try to write more often instead of waiting for 3 months or so. :)