Issues Issues and more Issues

Yesterday I said I might write a story from my past. Obviously I never made it back here to do that. Right before I was about to write about some of the time I spent in Novato California I got a call from my mom asking me to calm my daughter down.

I have not written about Emma that much because I have pushed her problems to the back of my mind, almost neglected her issues, not her but her issues. I have pushed her problems to the back of my mind because I don't want to face the fact that I have two children with issues, Ethan's being neurological and Emma's being emotional. Ethan and Emma's dad has severe anger issues and the Navy, at one time, required him to take anger management classes. SW has also suffered from depression severe enough to try to commit suicide three times, once in high school and twice while he was married to me. One of those attempts was actually in front of me. I don't know how he has managed to stay in the Navy.

I have mentioned a little bit about Emma's clinginess and mood swings. I don't know if I have mentioned the extent of these mood swings or the clinginess.

She is constantly afraid that I am going to leave her, not love her anymore, not be proud of her, hate her, send her to live in an orphanage, and I can't remember right now what else she is afraid of. I have never once told her any one of those things. I tell her every day, so many times a day, how much I love her and how proud of her I am for her grades and how she has done so well in soccer. I have talked to her about how good self-esteem is a must for girls, I have told her to never be afraid to come talk to me about anything, I answer every question she has (no matter if they are age appropriate or not, meaning sex questions, I have probably gone into too much detail for a girl her age), and I try to do everything to make her feel loved, wanted, needed.

I remind her she is my only girl and will always have a very special place in my heart because she is the only girl. I tell her that all three kids have special places in my heart and I will always love them but since she is my only girl, well, that is extra special.

When I met Scott she was 4 1/2 years old. She absolutely adored Scott and the only time she got upset if I went out without her was when we went to the bowling alley. When he ate dinner with us she insisted on sitting by him, if we all went to a movie together she was right next to him or sitting on his lap. Both kids absolutely adored Scott. Ok, they still love him but, you know how it goes, he has become an authority figure and doles out the punishment and is no longer just the nice man who mommy sees. He is now the Step-Father.

When Scott asked me to marry him she was thrilled. I made sure to include her in all the planning, Scott never minded. She went with me to pick out my wedding dress and she begged for her dress to look like mine. It took some searching but we found a dress almost identical but it wasn't floor length and she was fine with that. When I got my nails done the day before the wedding she was with me and had her nails polished. My hair stylist, D, did her hair as close to mine as he could get it, our shoes were even similar.

The day of the wedding started ok. I got up and took a nice long bath and Emma came in and sat on the toilet and talked about the morning. When I was dressed and ready to head out to get our hair done she was still ok. She had a blast at the salon because every one was fawning over her and telling her how pretty she was and how gorgeous she would be when she got her dress on.

The tears started during the wedding and didn't end until my matron of honor finally got her to calm down. She was so afraid that Scott and I weren't coming back from the honey moon and that I would replace her with new babies and she would have to go away. It took myself, Scott, our preacher, and my matron of honor to get her to calm down. She seemed ok after that but seems to have gone down hill since.

I don't know how to calm her fears and help her understand I love her no matter what.

Mom wanted me to calm Emma down yesterday because she got mad at something and became hysterical and kicked my mom 3 times. I feel horrible that Emma would treat mom this way and Emma feels horrible for doing it. She apologized over and over last night to both me and mom.

At times she looks like she is so confused and drowning and no matter how many hugs, snuggles, and kisses won't bring her back. I've even neglected Ethan and Harley lately to make sure she receives plenty of attention. It's so hard to do that though with Harley being sick.

A friend of mine has custody of her grandson who bi-polar. He has weekly appointments with a therapist and is doing wonderfully and has learned how to control himself and handle his emotions, with the help of meds. I've called this same therapist, Mrs. T, and made an appointment and their first available was April 11th. I know that is quite a ways a way but I want Emma to see her and I will just do lots of talking and holding and hugging until then.

I feel just awful for pushing this to the back of my mind for so long, and for my own selfish reasons, but I'm no longer going to do that. I am getting her help and hopefully it's not too late to help her in some way.

I don't want two children with problems but if that is what I have then I will deal with it. I have learned how to deal with, love, and cherish my Autistic son and I will learn how to deal with Emma and whatever she has going through her mind. I just hope she will forgive me for waiting so long to help her.

Chocolatism: Sugar free chocolate is like 'near' beer and diet ice cream. WHY BOTHER?