Feeling Horrible

But this time for a different reason. Physically I am finally starting to feel better. One good thing about this illness is losing 11 lbs. Not the right way to lose it I know but hopefully with all the WII games we are playing I can keep it off.

I feel horrible today because today Ronnie was supposed to get his driver's license. I made sure I had all the paper work ready to go and he had all of his ready to go. We get to the DMV and wait until our number is called and get up there only to have the lady tell me that my registration is expired. My stomach dropped to my knees. I thought to myself "Stupid, you should have checked that at the same time you checked your insurance card and found that it was out of date". I didn't know what to say so I did something I never thought I would stoop to, begged the nice DMV lady to see if could get a printed copy since we were you know at the DMV and then he could still take the test to get his license today. Nope, they were unable to do that. So we had to make another appointment and I get to find my missing registration. The correct sticker is on my license plate so who knows what I did with the card. I will say that DMV lady was very nice and pretty cute too.

I am sure Ronnie is upset and disappointed but he said oh well, shit happens mom, let's go. He's been wonderful about it to my face. Who knows what he's said to his friends though. Oh well, he has every right to be upset with me.

And when I told my husband what has happened he has grilled me through texting. Why wasn't the new registration card in the car all along, when did you get the new card, why didn't you check on this over the weekend so I would be ready for today. And quite a few other questions. I finally quit answering so the last message I got from him was I love you.

You know, I know I should have checked to make sure everything was in order. I know I should have done it over the weekend so it would be done, instead of rushing to get things gathered at 11:30 last night. But why didn't he help me. This next thought is extremely mean of me but it went through my head before I even realized what I was thinking. Why am I doing this for your son, why aren't you taking the afternoon off to go with your son to get his drivers license. You would think a milestone like that he would want to do with his son. Don't get me wrong, I love Ronnie. I enjoy doing things with him. I have no problems, for the most part, with him. I say for the most part because he is a teenage boy and there is always some kind of drama going on with teenagers.
So, I'm getting grilled for not being prepared. Scott's treating me like a child instead of his wife that made a mistake.

In my defense I have been sick. I've also been working alot, still. The overtime is back in full swing due to more additions at work. I just happened to take half a day off in anticipation of sitting at the DMV for the afternoon.

He's on his way home from work now so we shall see what is said when he gets home. And I must start dinner now. And yet again I am unprepared because I have no idea what I'm making my family for dinner!!

Go Me

I Went to the Doctor

Scott made me go to the doctor last night when I got home from work. Probably a good thing because it turns out I have more than just a head cold. I'm one sick momma.

Are you ready?!??!?!

I have sinusitis, lymph nodes are infected, both ears infected, strep throat, and tonsillitis. Where in the hell did all of these things come from?

I haven't been around anyone that I'm aware of that has been this sick. All these germs were just floating along in the air and decided to land on me. And make me sick and not want to drink or eat anything.

It hurts to have air go down my throat. You think I'm going to eat or drink anything when just air hurts? Hell No

Supposedly I'm not contagious so I went to work today. Stupid. By the end of the day I felt horrible and cried all the way home. Which was stupid again because of all the damn snow on the ground. It snowed enough last night school was cancelled today. Oh, and to go along with the snow was the rain. So tomorrow should be a blast with all the damn black ice that will surely form over night. And yes, I'm going to work tomorrow too.

Do ya think I would have gotten any rest if I'd stayed home today with the kids being home too? Nope, I don't think so. Well, I might have because my husband made me put my pj's on and get in bed as soon as I walked in the door today. Oh yes, his office closed today due to the bad weather. But will mine ever do that? Heck no.

And guess what. Not one person has come in to my room and asked if I need anything or how I'm doing since I came to bed. I slept for maybe 10 minutes and then my body started aching. And now I'm a big ball of whiny, sick, BITCH. I hate being sick. I wish the damn antibiotics would kick in so I could start feeling better. And now I'm hungry. But I'm still not going to eat or drink anything until my throat quits hurting.

So they might have left me alone to rest today.

Now that my bitchy side has come out and I've ranted some more maybe I should suck it up and eat some soup and take some more Advil and go to bed. It's almost 10pm and I have to go to work in the morning.

Oh, and school is delayed for tomorrow already. And that could change to canceled again.

Bright side is I'm going to see the movie The Lovely Bones with my SIL tomorrow. We both read the book and we are looking forward to seeing the movie.

Rant Time I wrote this yesterday at work

Holy Crap I feel like Crap

The past couple of nights here have been snowy and cold. The days have been sunny and slushy. And to go along with all this wonderful wet weather I have a horrible cold. The left side of my head feels as if it's going to implode one minute and the next like its going to explode. My left eye and sinus are pulsing with the pressure and it feels so WEIRD. I've taken Mucinex and I've consumed lots of liquids, water, hot tea, even coffee. I've gargled salt water for my throat. Oh, today I've even lived on Advil. But nothing has touched the pain or pressure or congestion.

My husband is mad at me. He gets mad at me every time I'm sick. He claims he gets mad because I don't go to the doctor but what can a doctor really do for a cold. And with the way everyone goes to the doctor for every little thing who knows what else I could catch while I sit for hours in the waiting room, just waiting for my turn to see the doctor, only to have him tell me keep up what I'm doing and in another week or so I'll be fine.

Now, back to the whole mad at me every time I'm sick. It has nothing to do with me seeing a doctor or not seeing a doctor. When I had the hysterectomy he was mad. he knew it was coming, it's not like I sprung the news on him the night before the surgery. he was fine from the time he heard the news until the second we walked into the hospital to check me in. Then he was angry and snippy with me. He stayed that way until I was home from the hospital for a few days.

Why? Why does he get mad when I'm sick or hurt? It just makes me feel worse. Almost like I've done something wrong when I know I've done nothing wrong.

So, Ok. I could go to the doctor but again, it's a head cold. I don't want to pay a co-pay to have the doc tell me this. Plus, I've got a job, I've got 4 kids, and I've got him. Taking care of all those things is a full time job for 2 1/2 people. I tell him that and what happens?

He goes into the whole spiel of I need to take care of myself as well. I bring up taking time for myself and my family freaks out! I literally have to hide in the bathroom with the door locked to be able to take even 5 minutes to read a book. But they normally track me down and I put my book down to go do whatever they need done or to look at the picture they just colored or the score on the WII game they just played or countless other things that kids do.

I love my kids and that's why I put my book down to see what they are up to. I have an excellent relationship with them and want to keep it that way.

I know, I need to take care of myself and keep myself sane and healthy to be able to live a long life to keep those good relationships.

That is something I need to work on again

3day weekend

I had today off. For MLK day. My kids had today off. For MLK day.
Silly me thought we could all do something together today. HA!! hahahhahahhahhaa

Ronnie wanted to spend last night with a friend to have yet another marathon gaming night. Emma's cousin spent the night and then the girls hit the mall as soon as it opened this morning. Ethan and Harley have been home with me. But all they want to do is play Mario Kart on the WII. I tried to play with them and they asked me to go to my room because I don't play right. Not sure how that works. What exactly does that mean coming from a 5 year old boy and a 14 year old autistic boy?

So I've been sitting on my bed for 3 hours now. I've watched TV, can't even tell you what I've watched, daytime TV is that boring. I've polished my nails a shiny brown. I've read news. I even tried to nap but couldn't even do that right today!

I should have just gone to work today. It would have been a more productive day.

I really never thought I would be sent to my room by my sons for being boring.

And I've even run out of things to say. I think of the best things to post during work, where I have no time to write it down to post later. I might need to start taking time, just to have stuff to post.

And my hubby is at work today so can't even lay on him!

Hope everyone has a good week

Thanksgiving Day Picture

Cast of Characters in the Thanksgiving Day Pictur. Believe me, we are all characters!
Starting on the left hand side on the back row
ME!!
Ronnie, my 17 year old girl crazy stepson
Becca, the then girlfriend, no they aren't together anymore
Steven, my 26 year old stepson
That Kid, my niece's boyfriend, sorry i can't remember his name, ever.
Jessica, my niece
My Mother-in-Law
Dennis, my brother-in-law
Sherry, my sister-in-law
and then there's My Mom
My father-in-law is kneeling in front of Sherry
My nephew, Adam, is kneeling in front of his sister Jessica
Ethan, in the turquoise shirt, is sitting next to Adam
Scott is kneeling next to Ethan
Harley is leaning on Scott, he had a tie fetish for a couple months and went everywhere with that tie
And last but certainly not least Emma, she is always wearing purple! At least that's what it seems like.

And that is most of my family. My sister-in-law, Susan and her family were in Texas and then my aunt and uncle from Mesa were going to visit but unable to. My uncle ended up in the hospital with pneumonia but is doing well now.

Now I'm really going to go play a WII game!

A New Year

It's hard to believe that it's already the middle of January. I remember when I was in school the time crawled by, like a snail. Now that I'm an adult and have 4 kids in 3 different schools, time just flies by.

I rarely make New Year's Resolutions. They are pointless and I never seem to be able to keep them.
This year I made a resolution. And I am going to work hard to keep this resolution.

A few weeks ago my husband told me I'm no fun anymore. Since Ethan moved back I'm uptight, snippy, angry, and my sense of humor is gone. I didn't realize that I had become like that. It hurt to hear it but I needed to. I have to constantly remind myself that there are 4 kids in this house, not just one. All 4 kids are special in some way and I don't have JUST a special needs teenager. It is an all-consuming thing for me, having an autistic son. I worry about him constantly and am so afraid of what's going to happen to him when I'm gone. Hopefully it's a long time before I'm gone....

Ronnie is angry most of the time and chooses to spend his time at friends houses because, well, you know, there aren't any special needs children there that can make a scene and have a melt down. Last year all the kids were always at our house. But Ethan wasn't here. This year they are rarely at our house. From what I've seen Ronnie's friends don't seem to mind Ethan. I think Ronnie just doesn't want to deal with it. And I don't blame him for that at all.
Emma is so mean to Ethan anymore. I feel like I'm constantly scolding her for hitting Ethan or screaming at him. ETHAN STOP, ETHAN GO AWAY, ETHAN SHUT UP. Every single day. I get so frustrated with her and feel like I've talked until I'm blue in the face but the screaming and hitting continues. She used to help me so much. Now? Not so much. I keep warning her that one of these days Ethan will hit back and I think he would seriously hurt her. A person can only take so much before they lose their temper and I think Ethan has done so well keeping his temper in check with Emma for as long as he has.
And then there is Harley. He's almost 6 and understands that Ethan is different but I'm not sure to what extent. They play very well together most of the time. Ethan is just happier playing with the younger kids. They are more on his level.

So, my resolution is to take more time for myself and find a way to calm down and be happier. OK, I am happy. I am so glad all 4 kids are with us and they are all healthy and doing wonderful in school.
What I need to do is find a way to make sure I don't stress out so bad over one of Ethan's meltdowns. When you stress you get grouchy. When you are grouchy you tend to snap at everyone in the house. When that happens then everyone else either becomes grouchy too or they just get angry with you. Either way it's not healthy for anyone.

It's been a tough road since Ethan moved back. He quit taking food and hiding it to eat later but he still thinks someone is going to steal the food he is eating. I swear I don't know where this comes from. No one tries to take his food. The only thing we do is tell him he's had enough and he can't have seconds.
When he starts to throw a fit I can usually just give him a look now and he will calm down. So far the temper is just outbursts, no physical violence. I hope it stays that way because that 14 year old kid is big. He's taller than me and he's chunky. Not fat, chunky. If we can keep the eating in check than he won't get fat. If it came to physically containing him during a fit I certainly couldn't do it.

Last year for Christmas Scott gave me a Tikki Torch waterfall. It has been in the original box and sat on a shelf collecting dust since the day I unwrapped it. Today I took it to work and set it up. I put the batteries in and put the rocks in and the water and turned it on and lit the candle. And it didn't work. The candle flickered away and the motor whirred but the water never ran through the water fall. I thought great, a present that doesn't work and it sat on a shelf for so long nothing can be done. I griped and grumbled under my breath for a good hour while I worked. I finally realized it did work. I kept hearing water and thought it's too bright outside for it to be raining. I looked at my waterfall and lo behold my waterfall was working!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy! And then I felt like an impatient child. After reading the directions more it did say the water might take a while to start running. And then I felt stupid. But I got over it.

This year for Christmas I got a WII with the WII Fit Plus. We have gone from watching TV to playing WII! That has helped with my mood I think. I've noticed the more I exercise the better my mood is. Things don't seem to bother me as much and I don't worry myself to sleep. Worrying myself to sleep just leads to some freaky dreams.

Right now Ronnie and Emma are calling me to play a game of bowling with them before we go to bed. I do have a headache but if I can sit in a dark room and type this out then I can play one game with them.

Have a wonderful week

Back To Work

I've been back at work for one week now. It's Sunday night and I have to be at work at 7:15 in the morning. For my 2nd week of work.

I'm exhausted......

Between working 10 hours a day, normal housework, getting ready for Halloween, helping to take care of teens that for some reason their parents decided to kick them out of the house for a night or a week or however long (Who can do that anyways?????), I've been busssssssyyy.

I buckled and told Emma she could have her first Halloween party next Saturday. She's invited 10 girls. And so far they are all able to come. What in the hell did I OK!!?!?!? Ronnie said he'll be disappearing that night and we didn't question him. We know where he will be and I'm sure Emma and all of her friends will be happier without the 16 year old here with his friends. I can imagine the fights that would happen.

We took Harley to a classmate's birthday party last night. It was his first "party" and he was excited and nervous and kept asking how he should be. What kind of 5 year old worries about "how he should be"? He was too cute. It was at a skating rink and he tried skating but decided it wasn't for him yet. The rink had these scooter type things but you knelt on them instead of standing on them and he had a blast riding that around. He was having so much fun with his friends that they didn't eat the dinner that was provided and didn't want to stop long enough to enjoy cake and ice cream. And then on the way home he cried because he didn't get any pizza or cake or ice cream. When we got home he put his PJ's on and I fed him left over Mac&Cheese and a bowl of cereal and he was happy.

I had my last check up with my doctor last Wednesday. She finally told me that all the tests came back normal except one. I had Adenomyosis. I guess that's how it's spelled. I can't remember. It's the opposite of Endometriosis. The muscles of my utuerus was growing on the inside and causing all the problems I'd been having. My doctor told me she was glad I was persistent to have the surgery because that is the only thing that cures what I had and unfortunately the only way to know you have it is if you have a hysterectomy. The other procedure she wanted me to have wouldn't have worked and all the crap I'd been dealing with would have been back in a month or so. I've lost 7 pounds since my surgery. That's only 7 pounds in 7 1/2 weeks but hey, it's better than nothing at all or gaining weight. I can start working out again so we shall see if I can up that number!

Guess I should get to bed and get a little rest before my 2nd week of work starts.

Hope everyone has a good week!

5th Week

5th Week means I only have one more week left of leave. I really don't want to go back to work but I must.
The younger kids are sad that I'm going back to work but then I remind them they love my paycheck that comes with that work. I do too, especially when it comes time to pay bills.
This is depressing to think I go back so soon. And 5 friends were laid off and their last day was today. I am sad for them and will miss them when I do go back. I am going to eat some chocolate and go to bed now.

3rd Week

I keep forgetting it's only the 3rd week, tomorrow actually, that I've been home because of surgery. I feel so good and start going at my normal pace and then regret it because I end up pulling a stomach muscle or get so tired I sleep most of the next day.
Today for instance, it's 10:15 and I've been up since 6am, fed 4 kids breakfast, got them all off to school, did breakfast dishes, and on the 3rd load of laundry. To some this might not seem like a lot. For me, it's ALOT!!! I am a big procrastinator and was always too tired before to do all of this before school got out. I'm just wondering what it's going to be like when I go back to work. Will I keep my new found energy or will I be drained all the time again because that's the way work is anymore. Draining.
I've almost become domesticated. I am cleaning more, even though I'm not allowed to do housework yet, I am cooking more, baking more, I love being home to help kids with homework, get afternoon snacks ready on nights when dinner will be late because Emma or Ronnie have volleyball or cheer practice.
What has become of me!?!?!?!?!?!

Maybe having my "big guts ripped out" has brought out the Adult in me. That's kinda scary!

And the dryer keeps buzzing at me so I need to go fold some towels.

Hope everyone has a good week.

And once again I have waited so long between postings. So so much has changed since April.
Ethan moved back home during the summer. He spent his time with his dad shut up in his room doing what he wanted. His dad never made him go do anything other than school. Apparently he was bullied alot at school up there too but no one ever did anything about that. They knew about it but never took it to the school or dealt with it. We are now trying to undo some of the habits Ethan developed. Making him leave his room is finally easier. He is starting to enjoy family activities again. He is doing well in school and has a couple of friends.
Emma is in volleyball this year and her grades are suffering. It's not just volleyball but her age. She is more interested in how she looks than her grades right now. Most of her friends are that way.
Ronnie is a cheerleader now and his grades are just fine. His attitude is starting to suck and not sure why. I think he is trying to be involved in too much and always asking for money and upset that we don't hand over money all the time. He signed up for cheer without talking it over. It is expensive to be a cheerleader!!! Scott finally told him we will pay for half of cheer and he will need to find a way to pay for the rest. Ronnie is upset about that now too! He applied for a job online, or so he says, his last job he had we found out he just quit showing up. Ronnie told us they let him go because they had too many workers. Ronnie needs to learn that we know too many people in this town and we will find out the truth about anything.
Harley started Kindergarten already! I can't believe he is 5. He should still be a baby! He is too smart for his own good right now. He asked for a baby brother a few months ago and I explained that I can't have babies anymore. He decided Emma could go get the sex and have a brother for him. I was shocked and horrified and amused all at the same time. Where would a 5 year old come up with that??? He's also figured out that it is extremely easy to pick on Ethan because of his disability. Scott and I were laying in bed the other night and Harley climbed in bed with us and napped for a while. He all of a sudden jumped up and ran into the room he shares with Ethan and said "Ethan, Mom is dead, she died", and walked away. Ethan immediately started crying and screaming and it took the longest time to calm him down even when I was in the room with him and hugging him. Ethan was calm and doing ok, ready for bed when Harley runs through the room and says Ha Ha I fooled you and runs out again. I couldn't believe Harley pulled that! We have talked and talked with Harley about how not to act around Ethan and what he should or shouldn't say. Think it might take a while for that to sink in though.

Scott has a new job and it is so much better. He is home by 6pm every night and has every Sunday off. It was a big ordeal when he was switching jobs, he made a big deal that he didn't want a new job and was happy where he was at. He wasn't happy and neither was I. We almost split up again over this job. I finally asked him why he applied for a new job if he felt he was fine at the new one. He kept saying it was my fault and I was forcing him to do it. After the first week at the new job he was convinced it was the best move he'd made. He's been there almost 3 months now and he's the assistant manager already.

I'm on short term disability leave right now. I had my regular checkup with "that" doctor in August. With all the problems I've told her I've been having and the way "things" looked when she did the exam I ended up having an ultrasound. Seven gumball sized tumors were found on my cervix and uteurus. My ovaries tested fine. September 8th I had a hysterectomy. It's been almost 2 weeks and I'm feeling pretty good. No complications thank goodness and I'm healing well. I've had a few people say I took the extreme route but with my family history I wasn't willing to chance anything. It's not like I don't have any kids. I'm done having kids. I love my kids and feel if I'm meant to have more it will be through adoption. When Scott heard what the results were he was all for it as well. I'm sure for different reasons. No more PMS, no more cravings, no more 15 days of bleeding. Yes I had a 15 day period most months. I used to have constant lower back pain. Since the surgery I've had no lower back pain. It's been wonderful!!
I can go back to work in 4 more weeks and so far am in no hurry. By the middle of next week I will probably be going stir crazy though.
Time to go, Ethan and Harley are fighting again, today was parent-teacher conferences so they were home with me all day and are tired of each other. At least that's what it sounds like

Everyone have a great weekend

Happy Hump Day

Wow didn't realize it has been 2 months since I posted anything. And boringly enough not much has changed. Ok, probably not really but thats what it feels like.
Lets see, Emma has an A in math which is unheard of for her. All of her grades are excellent right now. Yea for her, I'm so proud of her. I will admit I thought she might have been cheating but I watched her do some homework and she really gets it now. Double yea for her.
Ronnie just finished driver's ed and is getting his permit on Friday. Scares the crap out of me thinking about him driving. He is in the gifted program at school now and has already picked the college he wants to go to and already has the paperwork for scholarships and loans. He is a Sophomore. He is on the ball.
Harley has just 7 days of preschool. I am so glad we have one less bill to pay now. Bad way to look at it I know but I am glad for one less bill. He is registered for Kindergarten and is having a hard time waiting for August so he can start big school and ride the bus every day.

And we are on another count down to vacation. 17 days and we go to Disney. Again. We are taking Ronnie, Emma, and Harley this time. I am actually excited. Harley is tall enough for all of the rides and he is so excited to go. He could care less about meeting Mickey Mouse, he just wants to ride the rollercoasters.
We are going for Scott's birthday, he will be 45 this year and wants to ride the day away. Plus he gets in free for his birthday.

I am working way too much and not getting enough sleep lately. My office is an exciting place right now because we are upgrading the services we provide and the next 7 months will be even busier than we are right now. Lots of overtime in the near future.

Other than life not much is going on right now.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week

It's been almost a month since my surgery and I feel so much better. I went against doctors orders and went back to bed to sleep just a week and a half after my surgery. I couldn't sleep in the recliner anymore and my butt was going to sleep.
Harley turned 5 years old February 17th and we are having his birthday party tonight. I have the brisket soaking in it's rub in the fridge for another hour or so and have the birthday cake cooling, ready to decorate. Harley requested a spider cake. His favorite movie at the moment is 8 Legged Freaks. Being the non-creative person I am, I have elected to try to make him a spider birthday cake. I am crazy I know. I love to bake but when it comes to decorating anything, I SUCK!!!!
Nana and Grandpa, Scott's parents, got Harley a blue 4-wheeler, just his size, and it stays at their house for him to enjoy when he spends the night with them. Plus they live in the country and have lots more room for him to ride around.
What else has happened in the past month.... Emma's grades are slowly rising. Having Ronnie here is wonderful for her, whether she thinks so or not. Ronnie is an honor student and Emma feels like she needs to keep her grades up to compete with him. Ronnie is in a class called Mock Trial. Basically what it sounds like, the kids are given cases to try and there is the defense and prosecution. The class went to a competition this weekend and when he got home today Ronnie said they lost just one case out of 5. Emma has all B's right now, which is excellent. She went from one B and C's and D's to straight B's. I am proud of her. Ronnie has 6 A's and 1 B, which is 1 point from an A. He is 10th in his class and is working hard to get closer to number 1. He wants to be Valedictorian of his class when he graduates in 2 1/2 years. Only 2 1/2 years. Time flies when you are busy!
Things are changing at my job and I really don't like the direction they are going. I have decided to get into the nursing program our college has next semester. It's time for a change that will lead to a career for me. I thought I had good opportunities for advancement where I am but I am finding that I thought wrong. I think I would make a great nurse, I am not squeamish at all and can hardly wait to start that. It will be hard, working full time and then taking night classes but I can do it. Just a matter of waiting for the next semester.
Scott's diabetes is now under control. Which I am very glad for.

March 1st is our 6th Anniversary. We are once again headed to Las Vegas for the NASCAR race. Last year our trip was pretty lousy. Scott had pneumonia and was miserable. We didn't do anything while we were there and only spent 2 hours at the race. We are hoping this year will be much better. We have plans to spend lots of time in the room :) um, cuddling, yeah right, lots of romping in the bed, and then spend Sunday at the race track. I am ready for it! We have had little time for just the 2 of us the past few weeks, what with surgery and ER visits! Scott's dad has said he wants to spend lots of time with us and Scott keeps saying not this year dad, nmaybe next year. Dad and his friends are staying in the same hotel as us so keeping our room a secret isn't going to happen.

And I finally had to buy a new dryer. Our old one was at least 20 years old and it finally crapped out. It gave a loud clunk and a puff of smoke and then the hot air was gone. We decided to just buy a new one instead of trying to fix the old one for the 20th time. I love my new dryer. It has the energy efficient cycle and dries the clothes in half the time as the old one! Laundry time is now cut in half!!

Cakes are done baking now and I think I am going to nap with Harley while they cool enough for me to decorate them.

Hope you all have a great week!

Pain & Suffering

January was such a busy month. In and out of doctor offices and the ER. Scott broke out in hives the first week of January. They became so bad he got to the point where he could barely breath. So off to the ER at 2am because he wouldn't let me take him to the immediate care center we have just down the road at 7pm. Then 2 nights later he was so out of it and wacky acting that we went back to the ER after checking his blood sugars. He is a diabetic and his meter just read HI. We found out that prednisone messes with anyones blood sugars and this is especially dangerous for a diabetic. Docs finally got that under control and home we went.

I finally complained about the number of headaches and what I thought were sinus infections I've been having so my doctor sent me to an ENT, ear nose & throat doctor. Had a CT scan done of my sinuses and found that my sinuses are "pristine and a perfect textbook example for a class". The ENT said my headaches are vascular migraines, caused by my deviated septum. Apparently the broken part was pressing on my blood vessels and eye socket & causing the pain. SOoooo, I had surgery this past Thursday and had that repaired. My boss got a kick out of telling people I was going to get Marilyn Monroe's nose. I had to convince quite a few people that I wasn't getting a nose job, I was having my nose fixed. There is actually a big difference.

While he was performing the surgery he found some damaged cartilage and bone spurs and the doctor said he removed it all. Scott said the way the doctor described the bone spurs was almost like I had horns growing inside my head. And now my husband is telling people he always knew I was a horny little devil. :)

So, I am at home recovering. Takes 4-6 weeks to recover from this fully from what I understand. I'm not even a week in. But the headaches and pain I have now are no where near the headaches I was having. The pain I have now is in my upper lip and the tip of my nose. I can only open my mouth so far and its so much fun eating right now. Lots of crackers and soup so far.

This is the first time I have felt like looking at a computer in almost a week. And my eyes are already tired and Harley is begging me to put a movie in his DVD player. Horrible as it is, I am going to let him watch a movie right now. He spent all day at preschool and I haven't seen him all day but my head always hurts worse this time of day for some reason. I am going to nap in my chair, can't lay down for 2 more weeks, while he watches a movie and Emma pouts in her room. Who knows why she is pouting. She's almost a teenager and the mood swings are upon us!

My Fairy Name

Your fairy is called Feather Hailtree

She is a protector of the lonely.

She lives in high places where the clouds meet the earth.

She is only seen when the first leaves fall from the trees.

She wears pale blue like the sky. She has cheery turquoise wings like a butterfly.

http://www.emmadavies.net/fairy/default.aspx">Get your free fairy name here!

The End of 2008

First of all a belated Merry Christmas to all.

This year is almost over and I don't think I have ever been so grateful. Scott and I are doing quite a bit better but we still have work to do. Ethan is still up in Washington and from the sounds of it, staying. He is doing amazingly well. A down side is that he has gained over 20 lbs from the looks of the pictures I have seen. Emma flew up to Washington to spend the Christmas Holiday with her dad and stepmom and has texted me a few pictures. Emma has been miserable up there. She starts texting me at 7am and doesn't stop until almost midnight. I don't think they interact with her very much unless it is to try to talk her into moving up there with them permanently. Why would she want to do that when they won't spend much time with her. She's been up there since the 17th and she flies home on New Year's Eve. Very excited for her to come home. This was my first Christmas without Ethan and Emma and it was a little rough. I stayed busy enough to not think about it much but I still miss them.

Ronnie is doing so well here. He is a Sophomore with A's and B's in his honors classes, was on his way up to Varsity Wrestling until the muscles in his arm were torn. He is disappointed but dealing with it. Because of the torn muscles, wrestling is done for this year and Tennis is out as well. He said "it's all good, I still have the ladies". WOW, we have a steady string of girls coming through the house and have since school started. The friends he has made are great kids. I thought at first I would hate having a teenage boy here but I love it. Out of all the parents, Scott and I are the cool parents. They all spend the night here a few times a month and we have junk food and soda on hand at all times, live just 4 blocks from the mall, let them play video games as long as they stay quiet once Midnight rolls around, and insist on playing video games with them once in a while. The fact that I cook and bake for them plays a roll in the cool part for some reason. A couple have said their moms don't cook, they live on microwave foods. We manage to stay in touch with what they watch, listen to, like, and play and still manage to stay cool in their eyes.

Then there is Harley. He will be 5 in a month and half. He is sick right now and I've just spent 3 hours sitting in the rocking chair snuggling with him. I discovered his biggest disappointment for Christmas was no baby brother. He has asked for a baby brother all day now and can't grasp the concept the mommy and daddy can't have any more babies. We are both "fixed" so it would take an act of god and lots of money for us to have a baby. Some of the things that come from him are so fricking funny. He told me we need another Puggy to give Vegas a friend. We have been looking for another Pug and are trying to find a Pug Rescue close to us. So far no luck but we aren't giving up. It took us 8 months to find Vegas. Harley misses Ethan and can hardly wait for Emma to come home and wants a baby brother and another Pug. I asked him this morning what if mommy did have another baby and it was a girl. He said, nope won't happen, God knows he wants a boy so it would be a boy. He has a Mohawk right now and loves girls and spinach and is totally and absolutely fearless. Scares the crap out of me at least 10 times a day. He is the leader at preschool more than the others because that is the only way to keep him occupied. He is so far ahead of the others right now, I am afraid he is going to be bored in kindergarten. Guess I will deal with that when we get there. He is spelling out everything and reading and counts to 100 in English and can count to 10 in Spanish. It is so odd for me to have two boys, one Autistic, struggling to learn and the other, gifted, struggling to behave in preschool because he is so far ahead of the others. When the teachers started talking to me about him I thought they were full of it. The farther along preschool goes the more I'm realizing they weren't just yanking my chain.

Emma is 11 going on 18. The whole make up, clothes, shoes, friends thing that has sprung up since she started middle school is killing me. She kept a couple friends moving from elementary school up to middle school but the poor girl is like here momma and has boobs, which for some reason has attracted girls in the 8th grade to hang out with her. She is also a little taller than most of the kids in her classes. I wasn't allowed to wear make up until high school. I was going to do the same thing with Emma but she her new friends started putting it on her no matter what I said or did and the bunch of them ended up with Pink Eye. So I gave in and bought Emma her own makeup. The hair has changed quite a bit too. Her golden locks have been replaced with red hair on the lower half of her head and dark brown on the upper half. Her timidness is pretty much gone and her grades are up. So, the hair and makeup can stay as long as the grades are good. Truthfully I think having her older stepbrother living here, in almost all honors classes pushes Emma to work that much harder. Fine by me!

I am still at the same job, and still loving the job itself. Scott might be applying for a different job, better pay and benefits. Hoping he does for many reasons. Dig ourselves out of this mountain of debt we have, visit Disneyland a few dozen more times while we are still young, and who knows what else, oh yes, save for retirement!

As for my issue at work that has resolved itself. We are friends and that is it, ok co-workers and that is it. We talk about work and say Hi and Bye. It has taken a while to get there but we are. It was rough and there were lots of tears shed on both sides. I don't know what his home life is like anymore and he doesn't know about mine and it is better this way.

Scott and I talk ALOT more. Like we used to. We are spending alot of Us time again. Like we used to. All the things we did when our marriage was wonderful we are bringing back. I am alot calmer and the panic attacks I've been having throughout this year are gone. I haven't had one in almost 3 months now. Granted I should have seen my doctor about some of the issues I was having but I didn't and Scott worked through them with me. He calls it my MidWife crisis. You know, instead of my MidLife crisis. I really don't know what it was but we finally clicked again and life is almost back to normal since.

I told Scott if I ever go through something like that again please take me out to the back 40 somewhere and just shoot me, put me down so we don't ever go through this again.

Ok, I lied I know what clicked. Scott had a heart attack the first of October. That slapped the biggest piece of reality into me. He is doing good now, his heart tests came back showing no clogged arteries, but both upper chambers of his heart are enlarged. We keep an eye on him, get him to exercise more, and keep up with the diet he is on with some minor changes. He is a diabetic and his diet right now is pretty good.

And right now it is 12:20 am and I am exhausted so I'm going to bed. I will try to keep up better with this since I have absolutely sucked at this since my MidWife crisis started.

Only 3 more days til my baby girl comes home!

A New Chapter in My Life

Well, another new chapter is about to begin. Last Sunday was a lazy morning. At first. Scott and I were being lazy and staying in bed until he absolutely had to get up and get ready for work. We could hear the kids playing in the front of the house and we didn't hear any fighting. Emma came in to tell us that Ethan had eaten lots of food during the night and Ethan came back screaming at her to shut up. We told all the kids to go out in the backyard for a while. After that it got very quiet. Scott was getting up to get ready for work and I was reading a book. Emma came back again, this time to say she couldn't find Harley or Ethan. They weren't in the backyard or any part of the house. We left the house to search the neighborhood. Scott finally found them 4 blocks away.
Ethan had packed a bag for him and one for Harley. They had a blanket and pillow and food. They were running away to live at the park.
I was just too angry to deal with Ethan so I did something I've never done before. I called his dad who is in Washington State and told him what had happened and asked him to talk to Ethan. I regret doing that now because what finally ended up being the solution is hurting me.
Apparently Ethan has wanted to live with his dad for a while now but hasn't told me because he didn't want to upset me. Apparently a lot of others have known this too but no one has wanted to tell me and upset me. I would rather have known than have Ethan live here and be upset. I know this all stems from the relationship between Scott and Ethan.
Scott feels Ethan shouldn't be treated any different just because he is a special needs child. OK, Yes I am easier on Ethan but he does have chores and is expected to do them. If he doesn't do them or throws a fit than he does get in trouble. Just not to the extent Scott feels is appropriate. He has had numerous doctors tell us that we can't treat Ethan like a normal child because he just isn't one. He will need different rules to accommodate for his disabilities. Scott just refuses to believe this.

So now Ethan is going to live with his dad and stepmom in Washington. We meet next weekend in Idaho. His new school doesn't start until after Labor Day so Ethan is going to go to school here for the week and then I take him out of school on Friday. I am so very sad that he is leaving but if this is going to make him happy then I will have to deal with it.

Scott keeps arguing with me about what time and where we should meet. He thinks I should make them change where we meet and when to make it easier for us. The place we meet is a 10 1/2 hour drive for both his dad & us. I don't understand why we should change and make them drive farther.

Our marriage that was getting better is back on the rocks because of this. I truly feel I'm being made to choose between my son and my husband right now. I haven't told Scott this because it wouldn't be fair to him. I don't know why I feel the need to please everyone all of the time. Something like that is just not possible and I'm usually the one that ends up hurt.

Scott did bring that up last weekend but I denied it. He has asked me if he needs to leave and in my state of hurt and anger I said yeah sure that would be great. Make me lose all but one person in my family in one weekend. Wrong thing to say but that is what I felt at the time.

It has taken us most of the week to talk at all and now that we are he has started harping on me again about where and when to meet them. I think it might need to be just Ethan, Emma, and myself making this trip. It might be good for just the 3 of us and that way Emma can say goodbye to her brother without Scott around to influence her. Emma loves her real dad but doesn't want to live with him. She said she is perfectly happy right where she is and doesn't want to leave Scott or me.

So in one week we will be back to just 3 kids.

I am so sad right now. I know it will get easier and I will deal with it but I just need some time to be able to be sad and Scott really doesn't understand this. He has been without Ronnie for 15 years and for some reason still can't seem to grasp how it is hard for to deal.

We haven't been to counseling in a month due to all the crap going on but I think it might be time to go back. Especially if he wants to save this marriage.

I forgot to mention that our Guinea Pig died. We knew it was coming but the kids still cried. I went to work one morning and he was breathing and squeaking at me for his carrots. I got home from work and he was stiff as a board. So I'm thinking he died not long after I left that morning. Ethan and Emma both cried hard. Harley kind of sniffled and then asked if we could feed him to the ants. Because you know, the ants are hungry. Then Scott and Ronnie took it one step further and wanted to stick a fire cracker up its butt. I put the dead rodent in a shoe box and threw it away.

I was considered the bad parent for a few days after that. Ethan and Emma were upset because they wanted to bury him. Harley upset because I wouldn't feed it to the ants. Scott and Ronnie upset because I wouldn't let them shove a fire cracker up it's ass.

What a week that was!

The first day of school came and went without too much drama. Stepson, I'm just going to use his name now that he lives with us, Ronnie, and Emma said it was ok and it took most of dinner to drag out what their teachers were like and the students they met. Emma and Ethan knew so many kids that came over with them from their elementary school but there were so many new kids there and Emma has already found a new boy to crush on. It's going to be a long year!
I took Ethan to school and Emma rode with a friend yesterday. I spent about an hour getting Ethan settled, his meds updated with the nurse and then wandered around and got a little nostalgic as I remembered my years at the school. It's a little strange having my kids go to the same elementary and middle school that I went to. Both schools have changed so much but are still the same.
Ronnie said his first day was pretty good. It was actually just the first day for kids moving up a school or new to the school district. Ronnie said he's ready for all the other students to show up so he can meet some GIRLS!!! He said he had about 10 girls give him their numbers yesterday but they were Freshmen and he wants to meet some Sophmores or Juniors now. Oh Joy

Found out that he can't start drivers ed until he's been here at least 6 months so I have time to get used to the idea and save money. We didn't get school supplies during tax free weekend because there were no lists to go by so we get to do that this weekend. And the lists for 3 kids is huge.

I took yesterday off to spend the day with Ethan at school but he told me he was fine I should just go home. I was a little shocked but I went home. I spent a few hours all by myself in a nice quiet house reading. I never get to do that again so I took advantage of the free time. I ate lunch with Scott, which made me sick, and then spent the afternoon rotating between the bed and the bathroom. Good times.

I feel better today, still a little queasy but no where near what I felt yesterday.

I'm looking forward to a weekend of doing nothing. It's almost noon and I've showered and paid bills and that is the extent of my day. Hopefully I can keep it up until Scott is home from work and its time to shop.

So I think I'll end this now and go lay down and read some more.

Oh, Scott and I are doing good right now. The sex is still not there but we talk and laugh like we used to so I'm going on the assumption that the sex will eventually come back. If it doesn't, well, I just don't know.

Have a good weekend all

Connie Mack is here again

As much as I love baseball I don't pay that much attention to it. I miss the days I played rec softball. I miss the people I saw there and only there. And truthfully I miss the girl who got me involved in softball. We met as Sophomores in high school and were best friends until 5 1/2 years ago. That just happened to be the time Scott came along. I discovered that this friend liked Scott just as much as I did. Problem? This time no. As friends we often liked the same guy but I always bowed out and let her go after him. Why? Because she was, I was going to say stronger but that's not right. I'm just as strong a woman as she was or is. She has always been just that much more sure of herself than I was. Maybe not anymore but in high school she was. Scott asked me out on a date, over the phone, even though he'd never met me. I didn't know this but he had seen me so he knew what I looked like.
This made my friend so upset but she never once told me. She just set about her own way to try to steal Scott from me. But Scott found her repulsive. I could never figure out why until she finally admitted the truth to me. Scott saw through her immediately. He knew what kind of person she really was. For some reason I was blind to it for years and years.
Even after all that she did to try to sabotage Scott and myself I still miss her. Especially during Connie Mack.
We would go to the games together and sit and watch the games, unlike every other teenage girl that was there. The other girls were there to socialize, flirt with boys, be seen, but never to actually watch the games. We both got married and she moved to the East Coast and I moved to the West Coast. We both moved back after a time and she got me involved in rec softball.

So I miss softball but for some reason I haven't tried to find a new team to join to play again. I still go to Connie Mack games but I go with just family. I say just family but I've gone to games with my mom since I was in elementary school. It's our bonding time I guess, we sit in the bleachers in the same seats we've had since I was little and watch those teenage boys play. It's quite exciting to hear who has made it to the big leagues after playing at our little series. It has been in Farmington for 44 years now. Scott keeps teasing me that they are looking for a new home for it. He is really not a baseball fan. But he goes to some of the games because he knows I enjoy it. Kind of like I watch Nascar or go to the races with him because I know he enjoys it.

Tonight is the third night of this years series and games start in 6 hours, 5:15pm.

Our marriage is slowly getting stronger. We are re-learning to talk through our problems and actually talk, not bottle things up. Our latest issue that we are trying to work through is both of our schedules.

I told him I might start going on call on the weekends, if I did it would be with a laptop at home, I wouldn't have to go anywhere and it would be maybe once a month. He got so upset at this and said we barely spend any time with each other as it is. I really don't know how to respond to this because he has worked 7 days this week. He was supposed to be off Thursday and today. But the store in Durango, a 45 minute drive from our house, called last week and said they would need help and asked Scott to fill in. He said yes. Granted the over time pay is nice but that is what cuts into our time together, not my job but his unwillingness to say no when they need help at his job. We were supposed to spend today finishing up school shopping since it is tax free weekend, have my mom's birthday lunch (because obviously we can't miss a game for a birthday dinner, mom's choice not mine!), and just be together.

Even though there are so many weeks that he works 7 days a week for the overtime it is my job that keeps us from spending time together. I have a cake job. I work Monday through Friday either 9-6 or 8-6. On the rare week that a certain co-worker is off I work 8-6 all week long. I think the problem is not my time spent at work, its that I absolutely love my job. I do make less since I transferred to the new position but it is worth it for my sanity. There is just as much stress as the old position but it is a different kind of stress. A kind I am able to deal with so much easier. Part of the problem is that I work with mainly men now. I have discussed, in short detail one man in particular. Which Scott is aware of. He knows of feelings. The feelings are still there but we only talk about work or his wife's pregnancy. She isn't due for a month but she is already contracting and dilated to a 2.

It is hard staying away from him but I'm doing it. I am in no way proud of how I've acted for most of this year but I'm trying to change and feel I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

I can tell I'm doing a better job at being a mom again. My patience is not where I want it to be but from reading so many other mom's posts I'm not the only one in this boat of thinning patience.

Wow, I went from baseball to my life. :) I am getting happier with my life and hope it continues.

My concern now is getting a 15 year old through high school as easily as possible, 2 tweens through middle school without too much drama, and a little demon through his last year of pre-school even though he feels he should be starting kindergarten and just doesn't understand why he isn't starting that big school this year.

Oh, and the 15 year old is begging to start driver's ed.

Which it is time.....

But are we ready??????

Another posting draught has entered my life. Too many things going on & I don’t know where to start.
Stepson has moved in with us and so far it has been a pretty smooth transition. He is such a great kid that life is pretty good on the kid front right now. He does chores and the house and yard work without being asked or told. He helps out with Harley and tolerates Emma’s hounding so well. Emma complained and whined that he was moving in but I do believe she secretly loves having him here all the time. She is starting to really come out of her shell and I just hope that starting middle school in 2 weeks and 3 days doesn't force her back in to it.
Ethan and Emma just got back from a 2 week camping trip with their dad, stepmom, and the OutLaws. Emma has gone into great detail of where they were, what they saw, what they didn’t get to do, and even what they ate. She was bummed because her dad and stepmom wouldn’t let her and her stepsister explore a small area around their camp ground. I can understand, they were at Yellowstone. So instead of telling the girls they have to sit in camp all day and do nothing, go explore with them!! But no, that didn’t happen. Emma said she did have fun but was just so bored most of the time.
Ethan hasn’t said much other than he now wants to go live with his dad. The first time he said it I didn’t exactly blow it off but I skirted the comment and redirected his line of thinking. I assumed it was a one time thing because that’s what Ethan does, after every summer spent with his dad he wants to move there. But once he’s home for a couple of days he changes his mind. This time he hasn’t. He keeps asking. I guess I need to write my ex and tell him what is going on. I explained to Ethan that since school starts in just a couple weeks and he’s already registered at his new middle school that he will have to go to school here this year and we shall see how it goes towards the end of the school year and see how he feels. I really don’t know how to feel about this!
We just went through this with stepson moving here. We drove 18 hours to Texas to pack up stepsons stuff and move him back here. The day we got him his mom and stepdad had a going away BBQ for all of their friends to say goodbye. I met almost all of his friends and they were all so nice and supportive of what he was doing. I went in kind of tense, ready to defend myself against someone saying that we are stealing stepson away but everyone was so nice. They made sure to include me in their conversations while Scott signed paperwork, which caused a huge fight between us but that is for later.
Stepson’s mom cried and held onto ME, not stepson but me, saying over and over she knows I will take good care of her son but please take good care of her son. She has had him for 15 years so I can imagine how hurt she must have felt.
Stepson didn’t leave on good terms. He said he has fought with his mom and stepdad constantly for so long now and he is tired of it. He said some things that were pretty terrible but we have no proof of so we can’t do anything about it.
Harley is as precocious as ever. I find myself arguing with the 4 year old of the family more and more and I am just amazed at his vocabulary. Either that or the other kids his age that we know are just way behind in their speech development. I know that all children develop at different speeds but we know one girl that squeals when she talks, I have never heard a normal tone come out of her mouth. She has probably half the vocabulary that Harley does. Her mom, of course, thinks it is so cute that she squeals all the time, she’ll make the perfect teenager the mom says. Yikes. But her mom is also a teacher that should know there is something wrong with her daughter’s speech by now. Denial, I went through it with Ethan and being diagnosed with Autism.
Scott and I are trying. We haven’t been to a counseling session in a month but with all the traveling we have done this month we haven’t had time. Connie Mack starts Thursday so counseling will have to wait until that is over. We now have a decent line of communication going. We quit walking away from things that need to be discussed and we realized that life is actually a lot easier if we talk something out right away.
We argue now, which was something we didn’t do before. Apparently some arguing is healthy for a marriage. Who knew?
While we were separated our sex life was Hot. It is back to lukewarm. Not sure why that has happened. He says it’s because I don’t want him anymore. If I don’t want him anymore than why I didn’t I just tell him to stay away when he was out of the house. Why was our sex life so good when he was out?
I think we just need to learn to incorporate sex back into our life as a couple with 4 children, 2 full time jobs, and a needy mom/mother-in-law.