Wednesday, May 07, 2008

No Guarantees

He has been out of the house for 2 weeks now. When we are together we don't talk. Well, we talk about the "normal every day" stuff. Kids, work, family.
The way we talk about us is through text messaging. That seems to be the only way he can open up and talk to me. I hate it. He sends me these long text messages to me while I'm at work. I feel obligated to respond to them, which of course takes away from work. If I go for a couple of hours without answering because I'm busy he gets upset. Not mad, almost whiny, like I'm ignoring him on purpose.
It is getting easier to be around him, at least the achy feeling has stopped. I realized I would tense my whole body up when he was around. When he would leave, and I was finally alone, I would finally breathe. I would let myself relax.

He brought me ice cream last night. We sat next to each other on the bed and shared it. We didn't really talk but at least it didn't feel too weird.

I really don't know what else to say right now. I want to say I'm happier without him but I still don't know. So I guess that means I'm not happier without him. Or maybe its just my heart healing pain.

He told me again today he can't give me the one guarantee I'm asking for. All I'm asking for is communication. I don't see how that is such a bad thing to want. My first marriage had absolutely no communication other than him yelling and me crying. He knew how bad my first marriage was. Scott has never been abusive in any way. The only similar thing between this marriage and the last is the lack of communication.
I'm tired of being the one carrying the emotional part of this marriage.
His idea of fixing something is to make me laugh. That only masked our issues. Now that they are big and in his face he is having a hard time dealing with it.
He blames himself for this.
I blame myself for this.
In reality, it's both of us that caused this.
I don't know where we will be in a month or a year but I'm going to make sure to protect me better this time than I did the last time.
If that sounds harsh, Oh Well. I'll make sure I'm OK and my kids are OK.

1 comment:

Walker said...

Lack of communication is a guy thing, says the guy.
It stems from how we are raised.
My fasther would not tell my mother what he was going to do just do it and its stil that way.
I have tried to change that to some point but even I try to deal with problem that might of affected me an my EX on my own.

It's not that she wasn't capable of helping me with a decision but I think it has alot to do with being taught that its a mans job to deal with family problems which isn;t right when a decesion affects more than one person.

I don't know if you will ever find a man that will opn up ans communicate as you would like him to.
Maybe you will have to read his body language to hear what he has to say.

Another thing, i think there should be no more sharing of beds unless its in the one you both shared before this otherwise you are just adding to the confusion.
I know that from first hand experience.

Sex is communicating to but what is it saying for the main problems.
I think you both have to stop everything and sit down and look at your future now before you both find yourselves in limbo