Saturday, April 12, 2008

So I can't get away from this subject lately. The guy at work. I wrote what I did to see if anyone I work with still reads this and from the none reaction I got about the last blog I think they have all quit reading here.
Which is just fine because I now I can truly talk and use this for what I truly intended, a diary of sorts. I can't write all my thoughts in an actual diary because my daughter is too snoopy. I know my husband wouldn't read a diary but he would be extremely curious.
So here goes
We have been married 5 years now. We have 5 kids between us. Our marriage is pretty rocky right now. It has been since just before our anniversary, so about 3 months now. He is very good at his job and enjoys it because he deals with cars and car parts all day. The bigwigs in his division have noticed him and are encouraging him to advance and take the managers board to try to move up in the company. The first time he took the board for 1st assistant he failed. Just barely but enough that he has to take it again.
This past week I have felt horrible. Every time I eat I get sick, so I've been sticking to yogurt drinks and oatmeal. Those two foods seem to be ok with my stomach. Since I haven't felt good I've been going to bed earlier than normal, before he gets home from work. When he is home he either doesn't talk to me or snaps at me. I spent all last Friday night curled up in bed hurting and crying because I was so tired of the arguing and feeling crappy. Every other night, when he has been home, he will make dinner and then watch one of his shows. If I tried to talk to him he would just grunt.
I finally found out this big attitude is because he is going up on the managers board again and actually took the test Thursday. He told me the night before that he needed to study but had never brought any materials home to look at. I said that first thing that popped in my head, which was How come you didn't tell me you were taking the board again. He swears he did. I don't remember. So we argued.
We actually went out last night to some friends house to play cards and ended up talking and laughing and having a wonderful time. As soon as we got in the truck to come home the talking stopped and everything I said was greeted with a grunt.
He is planning another trip to Disneyland without kids this summer and at this rate, I don't want to go. His sister and her husband are coming but I still don't want to go. I don't want this to go on til then, you know, I don't think it will last that long but who knows. My first husband and I went for months without talking, and that was when his ship was in port. I'm not comparing the marriages or men right now, just commenting that I know silence can last a very long time.
He finally told me I have been nagging him about moving up in his company. I didn't realize I had done that. According to Scott I've been doing that for about a year now. I have been making him unhappy for about a year. I didn't know. He's never said anything. He still loves me but he's not happy with me. When he kisses me it's a peck on the lips or the cheek. We used to have long make out sessions, acting like teenagers and embarrassing the kids. We haven't done that in so long.
I haven't told anyone else about this. Not even my friend at work. We email each other all kinds of crap all day long at work but we quit talking about our families when I changed positions. It's just easier to talk about family stuff face to face with her. She knows we are having problems and I know she is having problems. We have decided together we have one huge problem and should just take the kids and run away to Fiji. And we each get our own cabana boy!

The punk at work really isn't a punk and he is really my age. He isn't tattooed or a freak. Since the few I was expecting a response from never said anything I am going to assume they quit reading about me. So I'm going to open up a little bit right now. I just need to vent. Maybe that will help clear my head and open my eyes.

This guy is absolutely wonderful. We spend a lot of time together at work when his schedule allows it. We've eaten lunch together and we talk and we stare into each other's eyes. Time flies when I am with him. The thought of him, the sound of his voice, when someone says his name I get all hot and flustered and my face turns red. There have been a couple of days where lunch was spent just staring at each other. I felt like I fell into him, I feel like I can't look at him enough. I am so torn right now. I'm not even close to thinking that the grass is greener on the other side but....
He'll touch my face when he walks into my office at night to give me his daily paperwork. He'll run his fingers through my hair or lightly run his fingers down my arm.

I feel like a damn teenager with him. Butterflies in my stomach. Flushed cheeks. When I'm alone I have trouble concentrating on what I should be doing. I do ok when I'm with my family and don't seem to have a problem paying enough attention to them. Scott hasn't mentioned it, but then again he has been in his own little world for so long now.

I see nothing but his eyes when I stare at the computer screen at work. Every guy that calls in work to me, I hear his voice, when it really is him calling I get the stupidest grin on my face.

ALL of this is so scary and exciting and I don't know what the Hell I am doing. I know damn good and well, I am being stupid.

Right now though my excuse is that with him helping me feel better about life in general right now he is helping me be a better person at home. Before we discovered all of this I was just as grouchy at home as Scott was. My mom mentioned that I seem to have calmed down and asked if Scott and I were ok now. I told her I don't know. Her comment tells me that this other guy has grounded me some how and brought me back to earth so I am nicer to my family.

Scott and I have been together almost 6 years now. I guess that 7 year itch hit early. Or maybe he is really not happy with me anymore.


Anonymous said...

I'm posting this anonymously, but don't worry, I'm not someone you know in your real life - just someone who reads your blog.

Look, you may or may not want advice, but I'm going to give you some anyway. It's not worth it. It is simply not worth it. You've already gotten to the rationalization stage. You're rationalizing that thinking about him and letting him touch you and spending lunchtimes with him are all right because he is "helping you be a better person at home". The next step is that you kiss and you rationalize oh well, it was only a kiss - it doesn't mean anything, but it makes me feel attractive, or whatever. And every time you rationalize something away, it makes it that much easier to rationalize the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. You may not believe that, but it's absolutely true. You can rationalize anything if you work hard enough at it and you want to badly enough.

Again, it is. not. worth. it. Think about how you would feel if you had to look your children in the eye and tell them what you were doing or what you have done. Think about that each and every time you start to rationalize how what your doing is okay because...whatever.

This guy may seem like a nice guy, but a nice guy doesn't show that kind of attention to a married woman when he is married himself and his wife is pregnant. That's NOT a nice guy, no matter how much you want to think he is.

I'm sure you don't want to hear all of this and I wouldn't blame you if you deleted this comment - it's really none of my business. But again I say it is truly truly not worth it.

Shannon said...

To anonymous, just curious why you posted as anonymous.

Thank you for the advice, it is something I needed to hear. I knew it deep down just needed a kick in the butt :)

Walker said...

I have to agree with annonymous.
A friend is one thiong but he is getting to close and you are to vulernable and before you know it alot of people might get hurt.
Need i tell you work related romances end up making a bigger mess than helping a situation.

One of my readers recently made the mistake and is now the guy said he is not leaving his wife after he bedded her but her marriage is on the fringe of dissaster now and the other guy says he doesn't care.

I have always beleived you take care of a problem before you get into another one