Saturday, April 19, 2008

Where to start

We finally talked last night. After a week of avoiding each other. And it wasn't pretty.

What came out of him is that he didn't realize what he was doing. He didn't realize he had been so unbearably grouchy or coming down harder on my kids or being just plain mean.

What came out of me was so much more. I am just unahppy right now. Unhappy with my life. I am so ready to send Ethan and Emma to live with their dad for a while so I don't mess them up even more than I already have. I want Harley to go away because everything he does irritates me. I don't know how to deal with a "normal" 4 year old boy and Scott doesn't know how to deal with a "special" 12 year old boy.

I feel after almost 6 years together we should have found a compromise on how to raise the kids. We still haven't found a way that works for both of us.

Scott is a generation older than me and he is a die hard Marine. He is so stubborn and set in his ways and I don't think he can change. Really though, how fair is it of me to ask him to change. He shouldn't have to change.

Right now I am the one changing. I need a serious mental break but I don't know how to get there. Ethan and Emma are going camping with their dad and step mom at the end of July. I don't want to wait that long for a break.

I am a horrible mom right now and I know it. Scott says I'm being human, the stress of the new position at work (which I really don't feel stressed from work anymore but maybe I am, just a different kind of stress), stress of having my mom live with us (she has made it perfectly clear if we move she is coming with us), the stress of having a special needs child slowly going into teenage hood, the stress of having a 4 year old (I swear the terrible two's are nothing compared to the Horrible Fours), and never having a break.

This is selfish of me but I want some me time in my own home. A whole day to have peace and quiet and watch SciFi all alone or listen to music and read a book or take a bath uninterrupted. The older kids get the house to themselves 3 times a week after school. Scott is alone in the house 2 to 3 times a week and same for my mom. They have their time to just be.

Just typing this I sound horribly selfish.

I am changing somehow but so far I don't like the person I am becoming. And I really don't know how to stop me.

Scott asked if there was someone else. I did say no because when it comes down to it, there is no one else. There is only stupid, selfish little me.

I went to see the doctor about my stomach and he said my problem is stress. I am letting things get to me and need to find a way to relax and de-stress. Or I could be looking at an ulcer very soon.

The busier I keep the easier it is not to think. I have more laundry that needs to be done so I'm going to end this now.

I feel like last night I hit bottom so the only way to go is up.


1 comment:

Walker said...

You have a full plate and you need time off.
I have been in the same place you are and wondered when its supposed to get easy.
You need to find time for yourself and time to be alone with Scott.
So far you life is work and family no personal time.
Eventually going home is something you don’t want to do because it’s like starting another shift at work you have grown tired of.
Responsibility sucks and I am willing to be the first to say it but someone has to do it.

With growing teenagers, a special needs child and a little one you are getting bombarded from all sides by people pulling at you from every direction.
That’s alone is stressful without having to deal with work which is becoming a more pleasant place to be because everyone there at least has their own jobs and you don’t have to take care of them.

Now that you have talked it out with Scott maybe a little more talk and compromise could find a solution and maybe getting the kids in on it to some extent would be a good thing also.
Take a little pressure off of you to.