Saturday, June 14, 2008

I realized it has been over a month since I last posted. Scott is still out of the house but we are in marriage counseling. He has said that he will move back home after the 4th counseling session, depending on my attitude. This next Thursday will be our 4th session. I can understand giving it time to come back home, we are finally talking and I'm learning not to bottle up my hurt and anger or any other feelings besides happiness. It's coming at a price because now we argue alot more than we ever have. I guess that's a good thing because we are actually talking now.
But the whole depends on my attitude has angered me. It took two of us to get here and it's going to take two of us to get our marriage back.

I've been more of a weekend wife for him. He stays here on the weekends and Sunday night he goes back to his parents house. They are redoing their basement and have plans to turn it into an apartment for Scott and Harley. Which is fine because if we don't work out then they have a place that won't cost Scott rent every month.

I thought I was ready for him to come home but the more time we spend together this weekend the more I'm not ready. I quit sleeping again or when I do sleep it's very restless. I am so tired again. I don't know what to do!

Emma is so unhappy that we are trying to save our marriage. She was happy thinking it was going to be just her, Ethan, and me again. She was even leaving Harley out. I don't know how to help her either. I feel she should be used to us being married now because we have been married 5 years.

When he is in the house I'm back to tryin to make sure everyone is happy but me. And that's just not going to work. I need to find a way to even things out but I don't know where to start.

I have all these I don't know things going on at home and I feel kind of stupid for it. At work I kow exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it. I have people calling me for help constantly because even if I don't have the answer I can find it pretty fast. I love my work. I still don't love my home life. People at work keep talking to me about finding that even balance of good home/good work life but it just eludes me.

At work I know who I am but at home I don't. At work HE is still there. HE talks about going back to a previous job but doesn't know when HE will. I did tell Scott I have feelings for this other guy. It, of course, pissed him off and hurt him. This whole time that we have been separated if I go out it's with him. Scott accepted a date with another woman. He ended up not going but the thought of him going out with someone else killed me. I was a wreck.

This whole thing has also shown me exaclty what his parents think of me. Apparently I am too young for him and too immature. I didn't know at our age that 9 years was too old for me or too young for him.

We've both acted immature during our separation but I think that is what hurt people do. And now we are working on it.

Time to go.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there. I hope you have a good one.

1 comment:

Walker said...

I see alot of what you have against you and I see all that you are doing to get past these obsticles but what do ou want and why?

In order for anything to work there has to be a reason for it to work.

Do you want to be with Scott because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him or because you need him.

You both of you have to figure out why you want to be together and go from there.
Pretending you love each other isn't love but a ticking bomb and a waste of time, years of it.
I know this first hand.

I hope you can both fidn whatyou want weather its together or apart.
I cheering for the together side but only if its true love.