Maybe it's not such a good thing to make your Gynie laugh while she has the duck bill up your cookie

I was warned about the receptionist at my GYN office a couple of days ago. I knew they had a grumpy receptionist but this lady beat them all.

I walked up to their window to sign in and said Hi, how are you today. Grouchy lady said Just give me your insurance card. WOW

Being the nice person I am, and the lovely mood I was in for having to go to the Gynie, I threw it at her. It didn't hit her, it landed on the desk right in front of her. She scanned the card, sighed and scanned it again. Apparently her machine wouldn't read my insurance card, or my insurance card just wouldn't allow itself to be scanned by such a grouch. She typed in the insurance number and I was totally surprised that the keyboard didn't try to get up and run away from her. She was punching those keys as if she were punishing them.

She handed me the card and told me to please leave a urine sample. I said ok, I'll go pee in the cup, have a great day. And then I walked to the bathroom. She probably wasn't amused by me at all.

When the nurse called me back the first thing I was asked to do was step on the scale. I pulled a Harley and said No! I really like my Gynie's nurse so I had a smile on my face when I said it. She said ok, just tell me how much you weigh and we won't share it with anyone else. Ha, I know she shared it with my Gynie.

Then she took my blood pressure and told me it was high. I informed her that No, it wasn't try it again. So she did and it was normal that time.

For some reason I went in ready to argue! But no one was arguing with me. I was just making the nurse laugh.

The nurse showed me to my room after making small talk about the perils of infomercials and how much money she has spent on crap for weight loss. I told her I haven't bought anything for weight loss but a gym membership and so far it was a big load of crap too.

Nurse said you know what to do, gown opens in back. And then she left me all alone in the little room with posters about birth control and permanent hair removal and the table with stirrups in a permanent, upright position. For some reason I am paranoid in those rooms. I'm always afraid that someone will walk in on me in the middle of undress and find me bent over with my ass facing the door and my underwear around my knees. It's never happened to me but the fear is there. Lingering. Never going away.

So, I get undressed and hop up on the table. Ok maybe I just step up on the little step and sit down on the table, but hopping just sounds so much better.

The way the table is arranged whoever walks in would have a clear shot of my naked back and ass crack. I'm so glad I have a pretty butterfly tat decorating my back so if someone were to walk in on me their eyes would be drawn to the bright colors and not my scare fluffy back. Only my husband likes that sight and I still haven't figured out why. I guess I should stop trying to figure him out. I never will.

Anyways...Doc knocks on the door and I say Hi in a squeaky voice. She walks in and asks if I'm ok and I say yes, why? I'm sitting half naked on the table with the paper stuck to my butt cheeks (I tend not to cuss in front of doctors) and getting more and more anxious by the minute! Doc laughed and sat down and asked me the normal questions.

Doc: How are you feeling
Me: Fine thanks.
Doc: How are you periods? Are they normal?
Me: They still come every month and stay for a few days and then leave.

Then I told her that they come a week later every month and are just a little bit heavier than they used to be. I still cramp but it's still not bad at all. Not compared to what it was before I had kids.

We went on discussing my weight gain over the past year and how hubby and I are now working out and I've only last a few pounds since we started working out but I can run around the soccer field with my daughter for a whole practice when I couldn't do that last Fall. She was pleased to hear that and said as long as I'm getting healthier don't worry about the weight loss.

What is it with doctors and telling me that? First my family doctor told me I will get healthier but probably never lose weight and then my Gynie says pretty much the same thing. Weenies

After the Q&A session she tells me it's time to start the exam. Deep breath in and repeat 5 times. Breathe normal please. Ok, lie down and I'm going to do the breast exam. That's always loads of fun, getting felt up by another woman while laying on an exam table while those stirrups are taunting you.

Then comes the dreaded statement. Go ahead and scoot on down so your bottom is at the end of the table. I don't know about you other women but that means its time to wiggle and squirm and unstick your ass from the damn paper so you can scoot down. Doc assured me that it does happen to other women but I've never heard anyone else complain about it. When I'm anxious I tend to get hot and I tend to sweat just a little and that will make that damn paper stick.

I wiggle and squirm and unstick and scoot on down so my butt is touching the bottom of the table and then I plop my feet into the stirrups. I had this overwhelming urge to yell Giddyup and almost felt around for some reins but I held myself together and lay still. Doc lifted my cover and got all serious and said ok, now you'll feel my fingers and then the speculem (duckbill) and proceeded to tell me about everything she was going to do before she did it. The nurse is in the room by now and is making small talk, asking how the kids are doing and how big the baby is. I just had to tell them about the cute things that Harley does and had doc giggling pretty good, with the duckbill still up in the cookie. Probably not a wise thing to do considering I've been pinched by a duckbill in the past. I almost kicked the doctor for that one because it was his fault.

When that was done she said it's time to do the finger exam. She puts one palm on my stomach and stick a couple of fingers from the other hand back up the cookie and feels around. I just had to ask if she has ever made anyone fart while doing this. She laughed and said many, many times.

I thought we were done and she would leave so I could get dressed and regain some dignity. I was wrong. She told me to sit up as she sat back down on her stool She told me she wants to have my thyroid checked because of the changes I had mentioned to her. I told her if she thought it necessary but I didn't think anything was wrong with it. I've had it checked once a year for the past 4 years or so because doctors seem to think I have a problem with my thyroid. The test always comes back normal.

She wrote up the script for the blood work and then got up and said have a great day and I'll see you next year. I told her I didn't think so! She frowned at me and asked why not. I told her because every time I see her she pokes and prods and wants to have needles stuck in me. Why would I want to come back? She laughed some more as she walked out of the room.

I hopped down from the table, yes, I actually hopped that time, and started getting dressed. I never knew exactly how fast I could get dressed until I found myself standing in a small room at the Gynie's office never knowing when someone could make a mistake and walk into your room while you are still naked. That still hasn't happened.

Then I had the fun of heading back to work after the violation of my cookie. I just feel rather yucky after that exam and wished I could have had the afternoon off to go home and shower.

That was the long and boring tale of my trip to the Gynie today. If you have stuck around this long, I am impressed.

Tomorrow will be tales of Harleyisms. Like you all haven't had enough of those.