Venting, Whining, Complaining, and Crying

I am about done.

I need a break.

I need a vacation from my office, my family. From Me.

I hate feeling this way too.

I love my family to pieces. I enjoy my job and the people I work with.

I am just so tired, stiff, and sore. I sleep 6 1/2 to 7 hours a night. Sometimes it is more and sometimes it is less, just depending on what is going on.

I am trying to eat much healthier than I used to because of the way my body feels. I even try very hard to make it to the gym at least 3 times a week.

I am worn out from having so many issues. We have so many projects here at my house that need to get done within the next couple weeks or by the end of the summer and it feels like the list is getting longer and longer.

I am stressing about my stepson coming because he always pushes me past my limits and Scott never sees it. Scott just thinks I have no patience with my stepson. I try really hard but when he disobeys on purpose just to see how I’m going to punish him, well, I do lose my patience FAST.

With all of Ethan's problems and Emma's emerging problems I feel like I've failed as a mother. Now, I know this isn't true but I'm at the end of my leash.

I've been ok with Ethan because I've come to terms with his disabilities and know he will have them forever. I know he won't just wake up one day and **POOF** be normal. It took quite a few years for me to be ok. After lots of tears and laughter I have more laughter and very few tears.

Emma is another story all together. The lovely therapist we have seen for the past month wants Emma to see a child psychiatrist. She thinks Emma might be bipolar. hmmm..... This is why I feel like a failure. I have two children with issues.

Emma's first appointment with the CP is 6-6-06. I don't like that date at all! If we find that she is bipolar I will deal with it and I will have lots of tears and some laughter and I will learn to deal with it and then I’m sure there will be lots of laughter and little tears or just lots of tears and laughter.

That's what moms do. We deal and cope.

I guess the time has come for me to get into therapy. It doesn't help to talk to my mom about it. She's in her own little world since granny died.

I can't really talk to Scott about it. The last time I tried to he didn't really blow me off but he didn't really listen. He said that's a part of the life I was dealt and I need to deal.

Scott is the type of person that can maneuver around problems and obstacles in life without any worries. He never worries. When we first met I thought he was just being a stubborn man who didn't want to show any emotions. Now that we've been together for 4 years I can see that he doesn't worry. And if he does worry he hides it oh-so-well and no know one can tell. Even his mother comments on his "ability" to not worry.

I feel like since I am their mother, I should be able to fix anything and everything that is wrong with them.

I’m going to keep on doing what I’ve been doing, loving them and taking care of them. Providing what they need as much as I possibly can.

Venting, whining, complaining and crying is done. For now at least.

Hopefully my next post will be better.