Sunday, November 26, 2006

Another Loss

This time I'm not sure what to feel or think or do about it.

The person who passed was my biological father. He was 74.

My dad left on my 2nd birthday and I've only met him once since he took off. I was 8 years old and my dad and stepmom came for a visit. They took me out for lunch on a Sunday and then shopping for clothes. At least that is what they said they were going to buy. Instead they bought me an umbrella and a necklace. I guess since it was their money they could spend it on me as they wanted. The umbrella was stolen just a few days after I got it. I had the necklace up until a few years ago and have lost track of it.

After they left I didn't hear from him for 2 years. Then he asked my mom if she would fly me out to California where they lived so they could take me to Disneyland. Mom asked him to pay for the plane ticket, explaining that working on a teachers salary she didn't have any extra money to pay for that right now. He refused to pay for anything and asked to talk to me. He said that the trip would have to wait for a while and then hung up.

After that nothing. My mom called him when I graduated from high school and he said that's nice, what you want money, I don't have any.

The next I heard from him was about 5 years ago. He wanted to say how sorry he was at how he didn't treat me and to see what my life was like. I gave in and talked to him and told him about my children and even sent him a picture with Ethan, Emma, and myself.

I can count the number of times I remember talking to him on one hand.

Friday night I received a call from a stepsister I didn't know I had. She told me about my dad, that he was in the VA hospital in Fresno with severe pneumonia and kidney failure. His mind was gone and she said they had given him 2 days at most to live. She told me that he had diabetes, which I knew, and that he hadn't taken care of himself for over 10 years. He'd had both his legs amputated a few years ago.

Since I learned the term biological, I called him the biological sperm donor. My friends thought it was funny, especially in high school where most of my friends parents were divorced and remarried.

While I was growing up my mom never talked about my dad. She would answer my questions about him with brief answers. She never said a bad word about him.

You know, it really messes a kid up to learn that their dad walked out on you and your mom on your birthday. My granny felt the need to rub that in quite often when I was little, until mom found out what she was doing and forbid granny to talk to me about my dad ever again.

I went to counseling for a few months and refused to talk to the counselors or participate so mom took me out of it.

I was angry for years and never wanted to hear about him or meet him.

When I married my first husband he became obsessed with finding my dad so I could meet him. When he found my dad's address I once again became angry and refused to talk about it. I didn't wany anything to do with that man. If he didn't want me I didn't need him.

My stepmother called last night to let me know that they doctors were keeping him comfortable and it wouldn't be much longer. I said ok thanks for letting me know.

My stepsister called this morning to let me know that he passed last night at 9:30. I got an address to send flowers and a card. I feel as if I should try to go to the funeral but I really don't know how accepted I would be, not like it matters what any of those people think. It's not my fault that he left us. I also feel as if some flowers and a card would be sufficient.

She did ask if there was anything that I might want of his. Apparently I have 2 half brothers and they want nothing from him. I guess they are just as angry as I've been. I asked for some pictures and at the same time couldn't stop the thought that went through my head, some money to make up for everything in my life that he missed out on that he should have helped my mom with. How Fricking Selfish of ME. I'm so glad I didn't say that out loud. None of it was my stepsister's fault as well and she didn't need to feel some of my anger towards him.

So now he is dead and I really don't know how I feel. I got a little teary when my stepsister told me he will die soon but that has been all so far.

Maybe someday I'll visit his grave. I'm sure it would be easy to find the VA cemetery in Fresno, at least that is where I was told he would be buried.

Rest in Peace Ted


Laurie said...

I feel like I should say I'm sorry but in the same breath, I feel it's not necessary.

What a prolific post, honey.

I hope you find peace with it all.


Karin said...

I agree with Laurie. I hope you find the closure you need for this. *hugs*

Walker said...

I can understand how you feel and he wasnt much of a father by the sound of it or husband to your mother.
But just the same even if he was and absent or none existant father a piece of you is gone for ewver.
Hwe may have been the sperm donor but he is responsible for you being here and your kids have a part of him through ypu.
If anything you could thank him for giving you the opertunity to meet your kids and give them what you didnt have.
Take care

Shannon said...

Thank you to all, and sorry it has taken so long for me to say that

mrhaney said...

this is a sad post and i feel your loss is far more than the passing of your father. some times even fathers that stay make plenty of mistakes and it is hard to let those feelings go when they pass but it is better if you try. we are only resposible for what we do in this life and not what our parents do or any one else for that matter. i wish you all the best.