Sunday, January 07, 2007

The New Year

A Happy Belated New Year to all!

My stepmother did send quite a large packet of pictures and cards that my dad had received from me over the years. I was very shocked at how much stuff there was. I did exactly what I thought I would do and pushed his death to the back of my mind and when I looked at all those pictures of him and the cards I'd made for him when I was little, all the tears finally came. My boss was so nice about it and let me have a couple days off, bereavement time, even though I didn't know him. I spent those 2 days sleeping and watching lots of the SciFi channel because Scott had to work both of those days. My mom was kind enough to keep Harley out of my room and let me have some totally alone time to think and grieve. Parts of me have forgiven him for leaving when I was little. I guess you could call it abandoning me but he did call me a couple of times.

Then there are other parts of me that don't want to forgive him, especially after seeing all those pictures. If he did love me as his only daughter then why didn't he try harder to contact me? I'll never know and I'll have to live with that. I'm also fully aware that I could have tried to contact him when I got older. It certainly wasn't for lack of my ex-husband pushing me to call him or even write him. I could just never bring myself to do that.

Brighter thoughts and subjects now....
Ethan turned 11 on December 13 and it was a pretty quiet day. He loved all the presents he received and loved his Cars birthday cake. I'm going to call the school tomorrow to schedule another evaluation of his IEP. I've come to the conclusion that he needs to be in B level permanently for the rest of the year. He's just not making any progress in the main stream class and needs that constant attention still. I'm still thrilled for him that he is out of D level but now that I've come back down to earth on that I need to make sure Ethan is getting the full potential out of his schooling.

Emma is signed up for basketball through our boys and girls club now. I have a feeling I'm going to regret this because soccer and basketball overlap. I'm the parent who was against 2 sports at one time. Why, so she could keep her grades up along with enjoying one sport and not being a tired little girl all the time. I see other girls on Emma's soccer team that participate in softball, basketball, and then piano lessons along with soccer and they are so tired most of the time that they don't seem like they are enjoying themselves. The first sign of that kind of tiredness and I'm pullig Emma out of basketball. She's actually happy to get back to school after the Christmas break too.

Harley will be 3 in a little over a month. It certainly doesn't feel like he should be 3 already. He's still a precocious little guy and talking up a storm and questioning everything.

Christmas was a nice quiet day. No fights with the outlaws or my ex-husband. The outlaws didn't even call that day or on Christmas Eve. My ex called to see how the kids liked their Christmas presents and then let them go.

Scott's parents came over for Christmas dinner and stayed for a while after to talk. It was a nice day.

Scott loved his gun but now he's going around pouting because he didn't get me anything. I knew he wouldn't get me anything because he kept complaining about how he was supposed to buy me something without me knowing how much he spent. I didn't know what to tell him other than to pull money out of the bank and tell me how much he pulled out. I've never asked him why he pulled money out, why would I start now? He's just going to have to get over it. I asked him the other day why he was mad that he didn't get me a gift. All he did was stick his tongue out at me and walk away.

New Year's Eve was pretty quiet this year. Scott had to work until 6:30 that day so the kids and I picked him up from work and then we went home an gorged ourselves on shrimp, sausage and cheese and crackers, and desserts. We made it to 11pm and made the kids go to bed because for one both of us worked New Years day and for 2, Scott and I finished off 2 bottles of wine in just a couple of hours and we were having trouble staying awake. We are Party Poopers!

I've decided to take a break from my business classes for a while. We had a new phone system installed at work and are about to get a new computer system in a month. I figured I would give my brain a break from homework with all the new stuff we are adding. The new phone system keeps going down and they phone company and our phone techs can't seem to figure out what is causing the problem. Our problem, besides no phones when this happens, is that it brings our computers down too. It is all linked together right now. I can hardly wait to start the conversion. It will be lots of over time but I'll gladly put up with it just so we can get rid of the crappy system we have now.

So that is about it for my boring life right now. I'm glad we are back to boring and not all the uproar of last holidays.

Every one have a great week.


Walker said...

You have put a thought in my head actually it has been there for quite a while you just dragged it up.

I think as cloudy and confusing as it must feel to you with the love and hate battling each othe I think you can find some peace in the fact that he kept all that stuff that you sent him for a reason.
Its alright to feel his loss and to be angry at him for not being there.
It's obvious he loved you or he wound't have saved all of that for you to remember him by.

Have a nice day

deni said...

Wlaker sent me here, because of the similiarities of our biological fathers.

My father took off when I was five, I know how you feel.

I am sitting here with my throat aching from tears.


Karin said...

He obviously loved you or he wouldn't have kept all the things you sent him. I sometimes wonder about my dad since I see him so rarely anymore, but one day when he was here, he pulled out the pictures from his wallet, and he had photos of me from when I was a kid all ragged and worn, and probably every wallet size photo I've sent him of me and LG since he's been married to she who shall not be named. So I know he loves us. He's just not always so good at showing it.

I also know that some men have a really hard time with expressing their feelings or dealing with them. I think he probably must have felt an incredible amount of guilt over leaving you and maybe he just didn't know how to deal with it or didn't think you'd ever forgive him and was afraid to try to reconcile.

The things you are feeling are normal. You have every right to be angry with him, but it's hard to stop loving your parent, no matter what they've done to you. Hopefully, you'll get to a point where you can hang onto the knowledge that he did love you, and let the pain and anger go. That is what I wish for you.