Chemistry Class

Every once in a while I wonder why in the hell did I decide to go back to school and earn a degree for a brand new career. I tell myself I'm 40 years old, why am I putting myself through this, getting up and going to class 4 days a week, working almost 30 hours a week, taking care of my family, and doing homework and studying. I see kids fresh out of high school struggling to make it to class on time and worrying about how they will get their homework done, because they too work upwards of 30, even 40 hours a week. They tell me thank god they don't have kids to take care of yet and ask me how I do it. I don't tell them I'm exhausted, but maybe I should. I should tell them stay in college now because when you are older, it's still hard work, plus you're adding in a family to the mix. Today has been one of those days. Every Monday is test day in Chemistry. I've struggled with this class since we hit the chapters that incorporate all the math. I struggle with math, always have and most likely always will, but I don't give up. So, the tests have, of course, gotten harder because of the math. Yesterday's test finally felt right to me. I felt like I did great and was sure I got an A. We got the test back at the end of class today and I saw I got a C. C? I almost started crying, which made me feel silly but I had studied and studied and felt like I really had it. As I walked to my car to drive home I did tear up a little because I am trying so hard and am afraid this will all be for nothing. And then I tell myself quit being silly. I'm doing great, I have a B in the class right now, I'm setting a good example for my kids, showing them it's never too late to further your education. I'm making my whole family proud that I'm working towards being a nurse for my second career. But I'm exhausted. There are times I nap when I should do homework and times when I should be sleeping that I'm doing homework. Right now I should be going to bed but I'm too tired to move from my seat and walk to my bed. My husband has been great, nothing but encouraging words and when I try to vent he basically tells me to stop, I'm doing the right thing and keep moving forward. I wish he would just listen to me vent sometimes, and let me cry and not get upset with me. I'm not going to quit, I just need an outlet. The final is next Thursday and I'm so ready for it. After the final we are leaving for California to see Ronnie and spend a day on the beach and a couple of days at Disney. I wish that were tomorrow and not a week away! Off to bed now, Emma has a dentist appointment at 8am and then class at 10:20. At least I'm off work tomorrow so I can sit on my butt and work on homework.

I Made It Through The Semester!

I am officially not a freshman in college anymore! Ended my first year of college with a 4.0. I never thought I would do this good after being out of school for so many years. Only 2 weeks before my summer class starts and I was going to spend it being lazy and catching up on my favorite shows but that might not happen now. Scott had severe stomach pains for most of last week but neglected to tell me about it until late Thursday night. I got him to the ER and we found that he had appendicitis. He was admitted to the hospital around 2am and had the appendectomy at 5:30. The doctor told me they got to him just in time, I was literally only hours from losing him. But with a great surgeon and awesome nurses, my husband is at home after 4 days in the hospital with some heavy duty antibiotics going straight into his veins. So now I get to spend my two week break catering to my husband, which I will gladly do. I've spent the past few days keeping this to myself because family would have panicked if they knew how close he came to dying. I don't see the need to scare anyone else since he is alive and healing. I needed to let it all out somehow so why not write it all down. Emma, our wonderful 16 year old daughter, has guessed, but that girl is too good at reading her mother. No matter how hard I try to keep things from her she manages to figure it out. She is too smart for my own good. Love her so much. I might be mean and make Scott watch some Dr. Who with me. And then...... The first day back from the hospital I get a call from the school telling me Ethan has been caught stealing money from a teacher. HOLY CRAP! We have been talking with him here about it but I'm not sure what the school is doing. Since he is Autistic I don't think they are going to punish him. Which is the wrong way to deal with it. This is so hard for me to comprehend. Out of all 4 of our kids, the one that has special needs is NOT the one I expected to pull something like is. I am beyond disappointed in him and angry and hurt. I've told him all of this but I'm not sure how much he has taken in just yet. He is acting like nothing is wrong and I'm not sure how to get through to him to make him understand how wrong he was. I am so upset with him it's been hard to even look at him. We took away his movies, his games, and make him sit on the couch and read a book. He sits there and glares at us and tells us it's for the birds, he shouldn't be treated this way. I hope we can get through to him to make him understand what he did was wrong. I really hope the school is doing the same thing. I'm glad school is almost out for the summer for a purely selfish reason this year. Ethan and Emma's dad is retiring from the Navy this summer and Ethan is going up with his grandparents to attend the ceremony and spend a month with his dad. Emma is refusing to go see her dad because of his wife. Their stepmother has some major issues (I think bipolar is one of those issues) and she refuses to get help. I'm not making Emma go because of these issues and truthfully if my ex's parents weren't going to the ceremony I don't think I would let Ethan go. But he wants to see his dad even though he doesn't like his stepmom. If the stepmom would get the help she needs and manage her illness I would have no problem with the kids going back to visit but until she does I will worry as long as Ethan is up there. Now, I'm glad Ethan is going, like I said for a purely selfish reason, I need a break. So many people don't get a break from their Autistic child and it's saddening because these breaks we get every other summer or so are much needed. Scott says I finally relax, I laugh more, I sleep better, and my stress level as a whole seems non-existent. School is over for a while, Ethan needs some major discipline, and my hubby is alive and getting healthy again. Life is still good and I'm thankful for everything we have.

Feeling Petty and Selfish

I try not to be selfish and petty, about anything. But every once in a great while something happens and that stupid feeling comes out. There are so many other things in this world, my town, even my household to be upset about but this one thing just hurt my feelings. As I posted, March 1st was our 10th Anniversary. None of our kids told us happy anniversary, or good job, or congratulations on making this milestone, because in my eyes it is a small milestone. My mom tossed an anniversary card at us and walked away, my MIL told us happy anniversary on face book. And that's it. For months before we talked about throwing ourselves a party and having our wedding cake redone because our wedding cake at our wedding was ruined and it sucked, the baker put in copious amounts of lard for some reason, anyways, we never planned a party due to money being tight so we didn't have our cake redone either. It just hurts my feelings that the people we love couldn't take the time to say a few simple words. And like I said there is so much more to worry about so I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I didn't care that we didn't have a big party, or another cake, or anything else. All we both wanted was to hear some loving words that day. I thank god we have each other and even though the past year has been rough in so many ways, I'm glad we are together and strong and working at our marriage, not just letting it fall apart or neglect each other. Maybe now that I have let all these feelings out I can let it go, move on, and forget it. Because I am not a petty and selfish person

Happy Anniversary To Us & Autism (a totally different topic)

Today is our 10th anniversary, that would obviously be mine and my husbands. It's been a wonderful day, he is feeling better and we were able to spend all day together. We spent the whole morning in bed snoozing since we have missed so much sleep this week with him and everyone else in the house being sick, we paid bills together (ooo fun), we got groceries, we shared a chicken sandwich and fries at Wendy's, we made dinner together, and watched a scary movie with Ethan. Now it's almost bed time because it's back to the real world tomorrow. Then tonight I read someone else's blog about how she gave her son Autism and it pissed me off to no end. Well, it wasn't just her post that pissed me off, it was some of the commenters. Makes me think some mean and horrible thoughts after reading some of the stupidity that was spouted off in praise of this lady. I'm not trying to take away from what she is living with and through, I will never deny someone their feelings, but some of the crap I read was astounding and I know that sounds like I am denying what someone feels but I'm not. I promise. This writer gave a list of things she is so very sure caused Autism in her son. I don't think these things caused her son Autism but I don't live in her head, I haven't read what she has read, and I don't know what doctors have told her. What I do think is that Autism can happen to any family no matter age of the parents, race, religion, ethnics, anything at all. How come some parents can have 3 children and all 3 are Autistic and I have 3 children as well and only one is Autistic? Who really knows what causes it? No one knows and that is why there is supposedly constant research on this. Do I really believe there is research for Autism? Not really but I would like to think that maybe some day someone does find out why and finds a way to stop it. Because having a son with Autism is HARD. It is something that we will have to deal with until the day I die and I worry so much literally every day about what will happen to my son when I die. I guess now I'm at the point that I don't wonder why he is Autistic, I wonder how his life will be when I am gone, I worry that my husband and I are doing something wrong but then at the same time feel we have done pretty damn good without the help of therapists and counselors and all the other crap other parents do. We didn't do all that stuff for the longest time because no one told me what to do after Ethan was diagnosed. We were told what he had and sent out the door with a smile and a good luck so we have done most of his "therapy" ourselves. And no he wasn't potty trained until 2 months before he started kindergarten but we did it, and no he didn't talk until he was 3 but now he can hold conversations with you and you might not always be able to follow him because he changes topics so often but you can understand him, and yes he mumbles sometimes but so does a "normal" person. And there are so any oddities about him but I love him for those oddities and wouldn't dare to dream of him being a "normal" person. To me Ethan is perfect and amazing and has such a loving heart. Well, now that I have ranted a little I will go to bed. I feel a little better. So thanks!! I needed to rant to calm down.

May I go to sleep now?

I never realized just how easy I had it when I worked full time. I thought that was hard. HA! Ok, so working full time isn't hard, I know that but my job was obviously going no where and I was on a fast track to burn out so I was secretly thrilled when I found out I was getting laid off. This life I have now is so different. Working wasn't hard, it was different. Now I have work, just a different type of job, I have homework which seems to consist of 5 hours of homework a day besides the classes, and then normal housework. Last semester was so easy and this semester is the exact opposite. Makes me wonder what life will be like when I make it into the nursing program here. And I'm not saying if I make it, I'm saying when I make it. I'm not giving myself the option to fail at this or quit and just find another full time job. My goal, that I will achieve, is becoming a nurse and eventually specializing in pediatrics and NICU nursing. I want to help the tiny humans. It feels like the last 2 weeks have been filled with sick people at home so I'm up and taking care of the sick ones and not getting enough sleep for me to function properly. Now I think I have the crud that was passed through the house, and it couldn't come at a worse time. I have 3 papers due next week for my advanced comp class, so much biology and math to catch up on, and 2 papers for psychology 2. Plus tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. I'm trying so very hard to be thankful for my chance to go to college to expand my horizons and make a better life for my family. But. But, when it feels like nothing is going right and I feel like poop, it's hard to be thankful. I've gone to bed twice tonight to try to sleep and so far nothing. I think I am so exhausted and have so many lists and thoughts whirling through my mind that I can't turn my brain off long enough to sleep. Maybe some wine and advil will do the trick, or a big shot of nyquil. Every once in a while I see a commercial for an online school and all those people they feature, getting up early to do homework, work late at their job for money, and whatever else they show, I can't remember right now, and I think I'm doing that too but how do they not look as exhausted as I feel. And then I realize they are just actors. I'm sure everyone else in this world that is working, going to college, and taking care of their family is just as tired as I am. Now I'm going to turn off the lights in the house, put the dogs in their kennel, and I've decided to take some nyquil. I will sleep tonight (hoping being positive will help)

Soooooooo, I got laid off back in May, which sucked because of the benefits I lost, the people I don't see almost every day, and the feeling like I contribute to my family financially is gone. So I went back to college and am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, I thought for a while a nurse but Biology just evades me so I might need to rethink nursing because isn't biology all about that? Not sure but I will continue on until I figure something else out. I finally found a new job but it's only as needed but I figured it's a job where I have the option to go part time when a position opens up and they work around my class schedule. And then today I did our taxes and found we have to pay $400 to the state. So I get laid off, can't find a job for almost a year, go back to school to get an education in something else to find a better job than what I had and the state screws us over. State said screw you! You don't have a job so pay me money. Well, I kind of have a job but I just started it this year so for last year's taxes it doesn't really count. So I am trying to find a second job that will work around my class schedule and any hours I might get at my current job. But I keep hearing over qualified. Really? How in the hell an I be over qualified to deliver pizzas, or scoop ice cream, or check out groceries or movies or books or whatever else people are buying at stores. I applied at Sears and actually got a call for an interview but I was in class when they called so they left a message. I called back as soon as I listened to the message and was told the person who called was out until 1pm, ok I will call back. I called back at 1:30 and the lady doesn't remember calling me, has no record of my name in her application pile or anything. So I asked her why would I be calling her back if she hadn't called me, how would I know who to ask for. She had no answer. So I asked if I could go to her office and play her the voicemail that she left me asking me to call her back and set up an interview time. It took her a minute to say anything and then said I'm sorry, I just don't have record of you. So I said never mind and hung up. Maybe I should try to deliver pizzas again, and eat some chocolate. Maybe lots of chocolate and margaritas will help, at least for a couple of hours and seeing as how tomorrow is National Margarita Day all shall be ok tomorrow night, at least for a couple hours. Now that I have ranted I need to be grateful. I am healthy, I have the chance to go to college to get a better education which will help in the long run, I have a healthy family, I have bright, beautiful kids that make me laugh, I am doing pretty well in my classes (knock on wood, hope I'm not jinxing myself), my marriage is amazing and our 10 year anniversary is only a few days away, and so many other things to be thankful and grateful for. Time for a hot shower and coffee and off to class.

Almost school time

School starts for the kids in a few days. School starts for me in a week and a half. So very excited! But at the same time I am hurt, angry, and sad. My husband admitted to cheating on me last night. With someone who I thought was a friend. Our kids play together, we have bbques together. Her husband knows and is apparently ok with it, found out they are swingers. I am not ok with it and not sure what to do or say right now. In fact our kids were supposed to play today and she doesn't bother to show or call or text even. She finally answers my texts and said oh sorry, her son just woke up. I know he never sleeps past 8am. He might have slept in today but I also think she is just avoiding me. I want to beat the crap out of both of them and make them hurt like I do. I never thought my husband would do this. I don't know why. Both of our exes cheated on us so he knows how absolutely shitty this feels. It's been so hard to be nice around my kids today and don't know how I've managed to. I know I've been very sarcastic today. I think it's time to take some anger and hurt out on cleaning my house.

Autism, Loss, and Family

One of the things I haven’t done is find other parents of Autistic children. I always figured the support of my family was enough. And it usually is.

Today I was getting caught up on reading http://www.squidalicious.com/ and her post from yesterday about letting go of people really got to me.

When someone dies Ethan does acknowledge it but it takes him a while to grieve. It could be a few days or it could be years. When my grandma died in 2005 he actually started his grieving process at the same time as everyone else. And it seems he is still grieving. Ethan brings up granny quite often and for some reason that still shocks me.

This is a time I wish I had found a support group or other parents with an Autistic child to befriend. I haven’t really heard how other spectrum children deal with death, if they do at all.

Ethan may be almost 16 but I think it’s time I got out there and found a support group. I love my husband dearly but he still doesn’t really get Ethan. He tries oh so hard, but there are times and situations Scott can’t grasp what Ethan is upset over or why he reacts the way he does.

Obviously I have friends that I can talk to but it still isn’t the same because their children are “normal”. Well, as normal as a child can be! J

A dear friend that lives across the street seems to understand more than anyone so far. We have become very close to our neighbors and spend lots of time with them. Harley is only 2 weeks younger than their youngest daughter and Emma and Ethan are the same ages as their older two. We call each other’s kids our own and refer to them as neighbor daughter or neighbor son. And no, we aren’t like sister wives! My friend, S, and I agree that’s not a lifestyle we could ever lead. Yes, we have talked about that show, we have actually talked about pretty much any subject there is.

Anyways, Ethan adores going to their house and they adore Ethan. S’s dogs hate people that don’t live in their house but they love Ethan. I’ve sat many a night after work and we’ve talked about our day and Ethan’s latest triumph or steps he’s taken backwards. S listens and gives what advice she can and I love her for it.

S’s stepdaughter that is Ethan’s age has a little brother that is the same way and they are learning a lot about the spectrum and every once in a while I hear something they have learned that I didn’t know.



The only loss I haven’t seen Ethan react to is my stepson, Ronnie, leaving for boot camp. I’m not surprised though. Those 2 just did not get along. At all. They tried for my sake, I think, but not for them. I could hear them arguing and as soon as I walked into the room they were in they both quit talking. At first it bothered me but then I decided they would find their own way around each other and the household became a little easier for me.



Now, if only I could get my husband to stop irritating my mom on purpose! But he gets great joy out of it so I doubt it will stop soon. And it’s not anything mean. My mom is almost 70 and it doesn’t take much to irritate her anymore anyways. At least she still likes joking around with him. When that stops then maybe I will worry.

Half way thru 2011 (didn't realize this never published!)

What a year it's been so far. Scott finally got a job in February. I finally feel like I can breathe a little when it comes to bills, groceries, and other essentials for our house.
It's hard to believe Ethan and Emma will be starting high school in just 5 weeks. They both ended the 8th grade on the honor roll. Emma had problems with Math but managed to pull up the grade just in time.

Harley starts 2nd grade. Just like every mom, I say my kids grow too fast. It feels like just yesterday he was a baby. Now he has play dates and sleep overs and loves to play outside just as much as he loves video games. I'm so thankful he loves to be outside and doesn't mind the limited video game time we impose.

Ronnie graduated from high school with honors. When he first moved here his goal was to be valedictorian. He didn't quite make it but he was very close. He left for Marine Corp boot camp June 20th. We miss him so very much but are so very proud of him at the same time.
His current girlfriend ( the kid has been through many girls in 3 years! ) is absolutely adorable. She is sticking by him through his time in boot camp and visits us regularly. Just to talk. His girlfriend spends time with Emma, they play tennis, go to movies, volunteer at our hospital together. She's becomming one of the family. It's hard to keep my mouth shut because who knows what will happen when he's done with boot and goes on for more training in Florida. I hope they stay together though.

The house is quieter without Ronnie and his friends coming and going. I know it won't last long with Emma starting high school and meeting alot more people.

Time for bed. We are going to Albuquerque tomorrow. We are surprising the kids and going to see the new Transformers movie and Scott has an appointment with his endocrinologist on Monday.

Sunday & I Don't Care

Had family visiting from Mesa AZ! So fun, met my cousin's new girl friend, and she is so wonderful. Hope they last but if they don't then it wasn't meant to be.
Saturday we went to our favorite tattoo/piercing place to get Emma more lip studs. Went to A&W for root beer floats at 10:00 in the morning. Then 13 of us went to the new Harry Potter film. We are Harry Potter buffs and loved the movie.
Made spicy pork chops, veggies, rolls, and pan fried potatos for dinner, watched A-Team, sat up talking until 2am. Got up at 8am this morning to make it to church, had a church Thanksgiving dinner after the service, came home and said goodbye til next time to family that had to drive back home today,took a nap, now I'm sitting here typing this, drinking Fuzzy Navels, and waiting for pizza.
I'm off tomorrow :):):)
Only work 2 1/2 days this next week because I have 10 1/2 days of vacation left to use before the end of the year.
Now tomorrow will be a different story. Tomorrow will feel like a Sunday night and I won't sleep good. I rarely sleep good on Sunday nights, don't know why, I've had my job for 11 years so I shouldn't be nervous.
Pizza should be here any minute and then we are going to drink more Fuzzy Navels and watch The Walking Dead on AMC.
Time to put the kids to bed.

Head of the Special Ed Class

This is absolutely horrible. And I really can’t believe hubby and I said this. Ok, I’m so lying right now but you know, I try to convince myself at times that I’m not this crass.

We received Ethan’s state test scores from the end of last year. They came in the mail, which I couldn't understand because we received Emma’s and Ronnie’s scores with their first report cards. Anyways, I read through all of the scores and realized he scored Advanced in all of the categories. There was one category that he was almost in the proficient range but it was still above that line and in Advanced.

I showed them to Scott and we read them again and again. Now, the state test was altered because of the Special Ed class he’s in. But he still scored Advanced people!!

Then, after a hard day at work for me and Scott having a job interview (that is very stressful in my opinion) and then Scott was interviewed by local news because we are trying to get our town to put in speed humps on our street because of crappy-ass drivers, I think we both lost our minds and went a little crazy for a few minutes.

Scott said Our Son is the Valedictorian of the Special Ed class right now. And we just went with it. Cracking jokes about it. So horrible. I know.

Believe it or not we weren’t mean about it. I will never be mean about how well Ethan does or does not do in school. I was told when he was in Kindergarten that he would never be able to learn, the school tester told me Ethan was retarded, not Autistic, and that we should just put him in a home and leave him alone. Stupid ass school tester. I should have punched him in the nose when he said that, alas, I’m not a violent person.

Not only can Ethan learn but he’s pretty damn smart. His memory is Awesome too!

My mom thought we were horrible. How can you crack jokes at your son’s expense she asked me. She asks me this a few times a month. I love my mother but she still hasn’t grasped that if I don’t make jokes and laugh then I am going to cry. Mom, please understand this!! Laughing is my preferred method of dealing with life.

Scott and I are avid watchers of the show Parenthood, it airs Tuesday nights on NBC. One of the sets of parents have a son with Asperger’s. There has probably been one episode since this show started that hasn’t made me cry. When the son was diagnosed I cried because all the emotions that were written for the parents to portray I had. The excitement the son feels for certain things makes the parents feel hopeful that he is finally on his way to being “normal”. Ok, this hasn’t been said but that’s how I take it because I’ve been there too.

Last night’s episode had the boy (Max), his father, and grandfather shopping for chips and beer and I don’t know what else if anything. Max had a small meltdown in the chip aisle but the dad managed to get Max to compromise over the amount of chips they should buy. A little crisis avoided. Then they roll up to the cash register to pay for their junk food and it’s the 10 items or less aisle. The customer in front of them has 17 items, we find this out because Max counts them and then starts removing some of the other guy’s items, much to the dad’s dismay. The other guy freaks out a little bit, understandably. Dad sends Max and Grandpa back to get more chips. While they are gone the other guy is muttering about how Dad should learn to control his son and how he feels sorry for Dad for having a retard. Dad hauls off and punches this other guy. Wrong way to handle this situation but I couldn’t help but cheer and laugh and cry all at the same time.

How many other parents of Autistic, Asperger’s, Special Needs of any kind, have had their child have a total melt down in a store and get looks and comments and outright disgust over what is going on. I’ve been saddened by some of the things I’ve been told, I’ve been humiliated, angered, pretty much any emotion out there. All due to a meltdown Ethan has had in a store. I’ve learned how to avoid them or if one does start I’m very good at stopping them almost right away anymore.

There are a few people I’ve wanted to haul off and punch, body slam, or just hurt physically because of their comments. If a child, doesn’t matter the size of the child, is having a meltdown, let the parents handle it.

Don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong and what I should change. Because You Don’t Know. Unless you’ve been there. And still I wouldn’t dare tell another parent what to do because every special needs child is different and you cannot treat them the same when it comes to calming methods.

Off to have my Head of the Special Ed Class read to me now!

Happy Halloween

Walked out of my house to get into my car to drive to the grocery store to pick up some things we needed and hubby and I found that my windshield had been smashed with what looks like a golf club. The smashed part is right in the drivers view. So angry about that. I love my house and neighborhood but this is the 4th time a window has been smashed in one of our vehicles in the past 3 years or so. And when the windows are at least $200 a pop it starts to hurt after a while.
Along with all the eggings and silly stringing I'm fed up with it.
I'm tired of punks doing this crap. I know we live in a small town but there are plenty of things to do that doesn't include destroying other peoples property.
We are very close to pissing off our neighbors and installing flood lights on the corners of our house and putting cameras up so we can start catching the jerks and have something to turn over to the police so we don't have to pay to replace windows that are destroyed. I know we can turn this into insurance since we have a police report but I still can't drive it until the windshield is fixed.

I'm just angry and trying extremely hard not to let it ruin the kids' Halloween and trick-or-treaing

It's 12:45am on Halloween morning

And hubby and I are still up. Watching Starship Troopers on VOD. Ronnie and Emma are spending the night with friends and Ethan and Harley have been asleep for a few hours. We should really go to bed because I can guarantee they will be up begging for breakfast in just a few hours. And then they will want to carve the pumpkins that we picked last Sunday and have just neglected/procrastinated on carving until now. And make the Halloween cookies and cake I promised. I'm not a bad mom, I promise, just Queen Procrastinator!
Between work, homework for the kids, worrying about Scott and his lack of work and his diabetic problems that just seem to have compounded 100x since he lost his job back in April, I just don't have the energy sometimes to do all the fun stuff the kids want to do.
The doc ended up getting Scott into seeing an Endicrinologist, who put him on the insulin named U-500, which is on the governments dangerous drug list because of how potent it is. Even one unit miscalculation in drawing the insulin and it could send him into a diabetic coma. He was managing his diabetes so well until he was laid off. He actually did just fine managing it up until 3 months ago. I truly believe that lack of work has sent him into depression and that is screwing with his body. He eats right and we work out 5-6 days a week. Ok, so the gym we put on the back burner for a couple of weeks but we are slowly getting back into the groove. His sugars will crash around 3am every morning no matter what we do the night before. I sleep maybe 3 hours a night anymore because I know it's coming and if I'm not awake to help him it takes him so much longer to recover. The lack of sleep is taking a toll on my body and I'm afraid I might get sick soon.
Scott has applied at probably every company in our area now, whether he is qualified or not. Just in the hopes that someone will see he's willing to learn and hire him.

So I should go to bed before 3am comes and sleep for a couple of hours and maybe, just maybe the boys will let me sleep in in the morning. Maybe I can bribe them with a pancake lunch? We shall see.

Happy Halloween Everyone

I really do love my life, I promise

I’ve decided we live in an absolutely crappy area for an autistic child. Why? I read blogs from other mom’s talking about the cool stuff museums, zoos, theaters, and probably quite a few more places, do fun and exciting things for autistic people. I’ve approached our local theater to host a “sensory” showing for any kids movie out there but they can’t seem to decide if that would be a good idea or not. For this type of showing the lights wouldn’t be all the way down, just dimmed, you could bring your own snacks, your child could get up and wander around the theater without you having to worry that someone will get angry because the freak kid can’t sit still, and you get to interact with other parents of disabled children. This would be a movie just for people with sensory issues and their families. I know it would take some advertising and might not do very well the first few times around but once families learned about it I think it would sell out.

When I called our local theater management office about this the lady said she would pass the message on but sounded like it was a horrible idea, almost like she was afraid she would catch something from a disabled child.



One blog in particular talks about how she is so very thankful for some of the parents she is friends with because their children are autistic as well. These parents “get” what life is like and let you vent about anything and everything. She said she can talk about her son’s issues or not talk about them. They can just sit around and she doesn’t need to worry about having to explain anything. They just know.



I would love to have more friends for hubby and I to hang out with, go to dinner and or a movie with, have drinks somewhere, bbq’s and get togethers. I don’t know if that will ever happen. We used to have friends to do these things with but the older Ethan got and the more they realized that I wasn’t blowing smoke up their asses when I said he was autistic the more our friends disappeared. Or spent the time we did spend together letting me know of all these alternative treatments that they swear would cure him of his autism because her best friend in California did this for her 2 autistic sons and now they are both totally cured forever. We’ll see about that.



I admit, I pulled away from them, they really didn’t pull away from us. I was tired of getting invited over and being told no kids tonight please and we show up and everyone else’s kids are there. Well, Shannon, you’re son IS such a handful and we never know how he’s going to be so it’s just easier, you know, if he stays home. You know, in his comfort zone. Bullshit no one wants to deal with my reality. They want to stay in their own alcohol induced, perfect child who is gifted beyond their years, reality. I’m not jealous I promise. Maybe bitter but not jealous. I got tired of putting on a happy face and saying "that's ok". He is, after all, happier at home. BS



Ethan is gifted in his own way. He hates math but excels at it in school. He reads to himself and on good days to his little brother. He sees a movie once and can quote it word for word along with acting out all the scenes. A little disturbing to see an almost 6ft tall 14 year old “flying” around the yard pretending he’s Iron Man but he’s happy and I still think it’s adorable.



Right now hubby and I are going through life pretending we are fine without the friends to go out with. That work and home is enough for me and being a stay at home dad is enough for him. But it’s not. Some may say we are selfish but who cares. Everyone needs some time to themselves, every couple needs a little time away from their kids, and everyone deserves to be around people that are understanding.

I am borrowing this from http://lovethatmax.blogspot.com.

Top 20 Reasons Moms of Kids With Special Needs ROCK

1. Because we never thought that “doing it all” would mean doing this much. But we do it all, and then some.
2. Because we’ve discovered patience we never knew we had.
3. Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 100 times, 1,000 times if that’s what it takes for our kids to learn something new.
4. Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them. TAKE THAT, nay-saying doctors of the world.
5. Because we have bad days and breakdowns and bawl-fests, and then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.
6. Because we gracefully handle the stares, the comments, the rude remarks. Well, mostly gracefully.
7. Because we manage to get ourselves together and get out the door looking pretty damn good. Heck, we even make sweatpants look good.
8. Because we are strong. Man, are we strong. Who knew we could be this strong?
9. Because we aren’t just moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work. We are moms, wives, cooks, cleaners, chauffeurs, women who work, physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, researchers, nurses, coaches, and cheerleaders. Whew.
10. Because we work overtime every single day.
11. Because we also worry overtime, but we work it through. Or we eat chocolate or Pirate's Booty or gourmet cheese, which aren't reimbursable by insurance as mental-health necessities but should be.
12. Because we are more selfless than other moms. Our kids need us more.
13. Because we give our kids with special needs endless love, and then we still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our family. And our hairstylist, of course.
14. Because we inspire one another in this crazy blogosphere every single day.
15. Because we understand our kids better than anyone else—even if they can’t talk, even if they can’t gesture, even if they can't look us in the eye. We know. We just know.
16. Because we never stop pushing for our kids.
17. Because we never stop hoping for them, either.
18. Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not OK, but we deal. Somehow, we always deal, even when it seems like our heads or hearts might explode.
19. Because when we look at our kids we just see great kids. Not "kids with cerebral palsy/autism/Down syndrome/developmental delays/whatever label."
20. Because, well, you tell me.



I particularly like #4. I’ve been told that Ethan is so mentally retarded that he would never learn anything and I should just accept that and put him in a home and basically forget about him. The day I was told this I was so sick and should have been home wrapped up in blankets and doped up on some kind of medicine. I had tested positive for strep throat, tonsillitis, and bronchitis all at one time. I was feeling like I would keel over and die at any moment sick.

But I had an appointment at the school for Ethan’s test results, he was in Kindergarten at this time, and I wasn’t about to miss this particular appointment.



After the so called doctor informed me that my son was so mentally retarded I should just put him in a home and forget about him because he would never be able to learn or amount to anything. I burst into tears. I was mortified! I managed to calm myself down and just walked out of the building. It was also a cold, rainy day and I felt like Eeyore at that moment. Like nobody loved me and what was I going to do now.

The next appointment to go over the test results again but this time with his teacher, the principal, and the special ed teacher went much better. I was feeling better and had my voice back. I’d also had lots of time to take in what the weenie told me and was ready to fight.

I realized Ethan did horrible on all their little tests because he just didn’t like the guy. At that time Ethan hated to be touched. The only people that could get away with touching Ethan were myself and his sister, Emma. I found that this weenie was a touchy feely person. The first thing I asked the weenie was what makes him think he should be touching a child that might possibly have any kind of special needs. The only thing he could say was he was a touchy feely person and meant nothing by it. I informed him I wasn’t blaming him of anything but maybe, just maybe my son didn’t like to be touched by anyone for any reason. Huh, he hadn’t thought of that…

I went on to say that my son was not mentally retarded and even if he was I would never, in my worst nightmare, dream of putting him in a home and forgetting about him. That is when the principal spoke up and agreed with the weenie. Apparently she had done the same thing with one of her children. I informed the weenie that Ethan would learn, no matter what, that I would do everything in my power and then some to make sure he had a full and happy life with our family, not in some home.

Even though that was 9 years ago it still makes me so, so angry. I put Ethan through so much testing with pediatric psychologists and pediatric neurologists to get the “diagnosis” of High Functioning Autism with a side of Tourette’s and OCD.

I actually saw the weenie a few months ago and for some reason he remembered me. Can’t imagine why. I’m sure it had nothing to do with my scathing words at his incompetency all those years ago. He asked about Ethan and I told him he was doing wonderfully. He was reading almost at grade level, math a couple years behind grade level, and what he was diagnosed with. After that I just walked away. I don’t know what he thought of that and I don’t care.

Ethan is happy and that is what matters.

I am frustrated and apprehensive right now. Scott has been out of a job for almost 3 weeks now and as far as I know he’s applied at just one place. Supposedly they need help but they are leery to hire him. He’s worked there before but quit because he was constantly passed over for promotions and the last time he was passed over for one was the last straw because they gave it to a guy who had pending sexual harassment charges against him and he’d been caught stealing lots of money, they even had the guy on tape, but they still gave this winner the promotion. Scott was loyal to this place for almost 6 years, working overtime on his days off when someone called in sick or just didn’t show up for work, went in early, stayed late, was the go-to guy. If a customer had a question Scott could answer it right away. If a co-worker had a problem or a question they went to Scott. To this day when he goes in to that store to buy auto parts he’s bombarded with questions about parts by the people who work there and know who he is.

They are also afraid to hire him back because the people that worked there before the company was sold are having a hard time adjusting to the new company’s rules. Even though it’s been over a year that they have worked under this new company’s name some of the employees can’t seem to follow the new rules. Scott never had an issue with that. He managed to adapt to the new rules right away.

I finally broke down and told him he needs to just start applying at other places now. I know home depot is hiring in our area and he even picked up an application for the theaters. I told him today to turn in that application and go apply at home depot. We keep getting told that walmart is hiring part time but neither of us want him working there. We’ve hear too many horror stories from ex-employees.

I just need to keep my fingers crossed and breathe. And pray.

And is it selfish of me to want to keep our gym membership? We have worked out all week and problems seem easier to deal with after working out.

Braces

Scott is mad at me. I should actually say I hurt his feelings so he’s upset with me.

Anyone who knows us understands that Ethan and Scott really don’t get along. Scott just can’t or won’t (not sure which it is truthfully) understand that there are many times when we have to give Ethan a little more attention and understanding and lots of extra patience. Ethan gets very upset with Scott quite a bit. I am often a mediator between the two, calming one or both down. It’s very mentally exhausting.

Today was Ethan’s consultation with an orthodontist. Scott picked up Ethan from school and then picked me up at work and we all three went to the ortho. In public those two try hard to get along and turn their bickering into a form of teasing, they both laugh about things but you can still see a glint of anger in both of their eyes’.

Today was no different. We got through the consultation and decided to go ahead and have Ethan get braces. He did fine during x-rays and Scott did the normal ribbing, don’t move, don’t smile, don’t don’t don’t. When we say don’t do something that is normally when Ethan does do the something. It’s like he can’t stop himself. All during x-rays Scott would say don’t smile and Ethan would get a huge grin on his face. Ethan, don’t move. He would flap his arms.

I was doing ok up until the impression time came. We have tried to do impressions before and Ethan ended up gagging and then got so upset about gagging that he threw up all over me. At least it wasn’t all over the dental tech that was trying to get the impressions done.

When the tech started mixing the goo to take the impressions Scott started in on Ethan about not gagging or puking. One jab after another. I finally asked Scott to stop it, there was no need to get him all riled up about this and have him psyched out about puking again. Scott just stared at me and finally said I can see I’m not needed here. And then he walked back to the waiting area and watched Monster’s Inc.

Ethan managed to get through impressions with very little gagging. The tech had Ethan laying down almost flat and he immediately started with the noises. I asked if he could sit up, that it might be easier for all of us. Once I got her to agree to try that it was smooth sailing. The dental tech even thanked me, I think she was panicking about dealing with Ethan. I had made sure to let them know he is Autistic so they would know to have extra patience with him.

When I set up the appointment the first thing I said to the receptionist was that Ethan is Autistic and please tell me now if someone there can’t handle it so I can go elsewhere. I told her that his very first dental experience was a bad one, with name calling and a dental tech that even smacked Ethan’s hands. She assured me that there would definitely be none of that and what a horrible thing to have to live through.

I am very sure that I will be happy with this orthodontist. They were all very nice and patient with us.

When Ethan and I got in the truck after the appointment was over I did apologize to Scott and explained why I asked him to stop. I just did not feel the need for Ethan to get upset and make himself throw up on purpose when it could be something that we avoided.



We took Ethan back to school, Scott brought me back to work, I asked Scott if he would bring me a sandwich for lunch because I’d forgotten to make my lunch this morning, I got out of the truck when he never answered me and he proceeded to drive off without a word to me.

Scott’s mad and/or hurt, Ethan’s worried about getting braces, and I get to fork over only $1650 for braces.

Thank God for insurance.

One week

I really don't know how many jobs Scott has applied for in the past week. I know he put in an application at his old employer and has an interview Monday. That job will be better than nothing and he will be back to working with car parts again.

I'm still worried about bills. I have a feeling I might have to give up my car. And I really don't want a repo on our credit but I'm not sure what choice I might have. I'm going to call the bank tomorrow and explain what is going on and see what they say and hope for the best.

I'm so worried about all of this I'm not sleeping and all I want to do is eat. I hate when I get that way. One good thing is I'm sick with a nasty sinus infection so that helps with the eating thing. Nothing sounds good or smells good when I actually go look for food. So at least I'm not snacking all the time.

I'm so worried that I cry while I drive to work and while I'm alone at work. I try not to think about home life at work but can't help it when everyone asks me how Scott's job hunt is going. When I try to talk about my worries with Scott he says he understands and then changes the subject.

I tried again tonight to discuss bills and what we should do about them but he just patted me on the arm and said it will be ok.
We haven't spoken in over an hour now.

I understand he's still down about losing his job but we still have bills to pay and food to put on the table. He won't even go to the unemployment office. He keeps saying he wants to be a stay at home dad. I wouldn't have a problem with that if we didn't have bills, groceries, 4 growing kids, constant supplies for 3 different schools, dogs, turtles, and who knows what else.

This week I've called in to work sick a couple of days because of my sinus infection. It was so bad that I couldn't sit up without getting so dizzy I would feel sick. Both days he laid in bed with me and played on his laptop and watched tv while I tried to sleep. Yesterday and today I've been at work and he's done the same thing from what I understand. Except he took a break to bring me lunch.

I love him and I'm having a hard time just biting my tongue about this. I have no idea how I would react if I were to get laid off. I'm sure I would want to lay in bed and be depressed, in fact I probably would for a few days. And Scott would be in my position. But he's not a worrier. He is sure everything will be ok no matter what. I'm a born worrier. Everything makes me worry. I'm surprised I don't have ulcers.

Hopefully something will happen soon and I just pray I have the strength to keep my mouth shut and support him in anything he needs or wants to do. And not be a nag.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

Tax Day

And who the hell cares.
Scott was laid off today and taxes are the least of my worry now. Granted, I got ours done a month ago.

So, we told the kids at dinner what was going on. Harley has no clue, he's too young to worry thank god. Ethan has no clue, obvious reason, he's Autistic. Emma worried about vacation and when we assured her we were still going, just a much smaller one, she was like, oh well, dad will get another job soon anyways. She just doesn't get what we were trying to tell her about the economy and that it might be a while this time. Oh well, she will understand soon enough. Ronnie thought we were joking at first and when he realized we weren't didn't really say anything. The subject changed pretty fast, no one wants to think about the bad news of the day.

After dinner the kids cleaned our new turtle tank and managed to kill the fish that were swimming with the turtles. Now the fish are swimming with the fishes. Harley thought it was so cool that we got to flush the fish down the toilet. I'm wondering if he will want to do that whenever a turtle dies........

We put the kids to bed and now we are in bed. He's on his laptop and I'm on mine and we haven't said a word to each other in over an hour. He's worried and snippy.
I don't blame him at all. Second job he's been laid off from in under a year. At least we know it's not a performance issue, he just happened to be low man on the totem pole and it's a tough economy out there. I don't care how many officials say things are getting better, it's still tough in small towns.

I am going to pray he gets another job soon and nothing happens to my job.
You just never know anymore.

Meanest Mom Ever

I get home from work about 4:20 every day now. I love getting home that early. I have so many choices of things to do before I have to start dinner. I can lay down and nap, read a book, hide from the kids (which is normally what I have to do if I want to read a book), play video games with the kids, read books to the kids, color, talk to my friend who lives across the street (Harley is “married” to her daughter), or just sit and veg.

Lately I’ve come home to my daughter begging to go somewhere with her friends or cousin. I normally say yes and tell her to be home by 6, when dinner will be ready. There was no school the other day and I worked until 7pm the night before (my manager was on vacation so I closed for her), Emma asked grandma if she could ride bikes with her cousin the night before. My mom said yes, be home at 6:30. Emma finally walked in the door at 7:20, after I called and text her to get her butt home. She didn’t answer my call.

We have a rule for Ronnie and Emma that when they are given permission by one of the adults in the house to go out with a friend, they have to let the other 2 adults know what is going on. Where they will be and what time they were told to be home. Ronnie is finally getting the hang of it but for some reason Emma just can’t seem to grasp the concept.

I made Emma sit down and talk with me about what had gone wrong. She forgot what time grandma told her to be home. She forgot about the rule to let dad and I know what she was doing. I lost my cool. Her constant excuse for almost everything that is wrong is she forgot. I let her know how tired of that excuse I was, it needed to stop, and she could forget about doing anything for a while. I even took her phone away from her.

And I made her cry. Apparently I am officially the meanest mom ever. EVER! She quit saying she hates me a couple of years ago. She realized that every time she said she hated me I would say I love her and hug her. Most of the time she would get over being mad at me pretty quick after that. Now she just calls me the meanest mom ever and slams her door.

And that door slamming! She is so, so close to having her door removed. “What about my privacy”? What about it? Lose the attitude and you can keep your door. Teenagers push my buttons! Having 3 teens in the house is a test of my patience and strength.

I think Ronnie was amused that Emma cried about having her phone taken away. He sat in the chair and just smiled and watched us. Normally he’s the one being talked to by Scott for not letting us know where he is.

My mom keeps teasing me about how I barely made it through ages 12-14 and I'm just getting paid back.

Don't get me wrong but Boys are so much easier than Girls! I love my baby girl and wouldn't trade her for the world but Holy Crap Batman. Teenage Girls and Puberty SUCK.