Tuesday, January 21, 2014

God only gives you what you can handle

I'm sick and tired of hearing that phrase, God only gives you what you can handle. It may be petty of me to say this but there are days I wish someone else had the kid with Autism. There are days I lock myself in the bathroom where no one will hear me cry or cuss at all the shit we have to deal with because Ethan is what he is. I love our special guy so very much. The older he gets the harder it is to care for him, and I mean care as in his daily needs not as in caring and loving him, that is still so very easy to do. For most of Ethan's life I refused to let people tell me that one day he could live on his own and be ok, then I went through a phase where I thought maybe he could live on his own. Now we are to a point that I'm afraid Ethan will live in a home with other special needs people because he will be too unstable to live on his own, and he won't be able to live with us because he is so angry and he starts threatening family members more and more. His temper has been under control for a couple of weeks but what happens when he has another meltdown and this time hurts Harley. How do I handle one of my kids hurting another one of my kids? I don't know...... Maybe I need to just give in and give my son some pot brownies and even sit down and eat a few with him.
Well, haven't tried pot yet. Not because I don't have access to it, found out just how easy it really is to acquire the stuff. Feeling very naive. Or stupid. Haven't decided which yet. Anyhoo Kids went back to school and so far things have been pretty good. Knock on wood. My classes started and those are ok so far. I'm in an Anatomy/Physiology II class with most of the same people from A&P I class. There are a few new people this semester and between the noisy bunch of "girls" from last semester and the new kids on the block this semester, there are constant question battles instead of our instructor being able to complete her lectures. New kids on the block actually pulled out a list of questions to interrupt with today. The question battle went on and on and on today until the only male in the class said something about a nursing West Side Story and got up and left class. A friend and I just giggled and of course the cackling girls got pissed off and we heard "the nerve" and "whats his problem" and "how dare he". And then I felt like we were in some bad southern movie instead of West Side Story. I've really enjoyed all my classes so far but days like today reminded me why I despised high school and all the girl drama and why most of my friends have always been male. I can't stand drama. I don't see how people thrive on creating and living with drama. I've been told a few times I'm not a normal woman, and that's ok! So in place of drama I've decided to surround myself with a pretty new car. Ok, I didn't decide, my husband did, it's an early anniversary present. I love her so very much, my Fiat Abarth. Her name is Sexy Beast.

Monday, January 06, 2014

Pot and Autism

Ethan, my 18 year old Autistic son, has become so angry, bordering on violence. I feel so lucky that we have made it this far without the violence that many autistic people and families deal with. I have researched ways to help Ethan because meds don't help, change of diet doesn't help (mainly because I can't get Ethan to follow any sort of diet), exercise, quiet time, even allowing him to just do what he wants to do, but that's not good or helpful in any way. Ethan can't control his eating without help from myself and my husband. We hide food and lock it up when we are sleeping or not home. So I've found so many posts and articles about giving marijuana to people with autism. It helps the ones who refuse to eat, it calms down the ones with violence problems. Now with Ethan's eating problems, pot probably wouldn't be the best to give him but I'm ready to lock down the entire kitchen or throw out all of our food if pot will help Ethan calm down and stay calm throughout an entire day. Ethan got so angry at school he tried to strangle a teacher, he was suspended for 3 days while reports were written up, a specialized therapist was called in to the school, and many many many forms were signed by me so that if/when (hopefully won't happen again) it happens again no legal action will be taken because of Ethan's diagnosis. Not sure why it took til his junior year for these forms to be given to me but at least they allowed me to sign them now and not do anything legally. They are willing to work with him and his attitude. Ethan has even hit Scott, raised his fists to me, and gotten a little too close to Harley during one of his rages. Things I've read say that pot will help calm Ethan and every post I've read stated their child doesn't get that stoned look, they just are able to stay calm and life is a little easier, no more fear of rages, things being thrown and broken, or families being afraid and hiding during the rages. I have lots of reading to do and doctors to talk to before I actually do it. If this new semester continues like the last semester ended, I might be trying pot with Ethan sooner than later. Oh Happy New Year to All!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Can I retire from being an adult?

I work at an on call position at our hospital and a full time position has opened up. I want to apply for it, stop school, and go back to work full time, have insurance again, get a full paycheck again, feel like I'm contributing to our household again. My husband wants me to stay in classes, get my nursing degree, and then work the full time job and have the insurance. I really, really, really want to be a nurse but apparently my homework takes up 98% of my time, work 1%, then kids 1%. Apparently I ignore my husband. I don't see it that way but that's how he feels. I feel horrible that he feels this way and I don't want him to feel this way, ever. He understands that I have so much homework and studying to do and the nursing program is a competitive program to get into but he still feels neglected. He feels neglected enough that he has started an online/texting relationship with someone in a town 3 hours from ours. They call each other lover, send nude pics to each other, talk constantly, and have to tell each other nighty night with lots of x's and o's attached. A month ago he just had to go to this town 3 hours away, supposedly to go to the state fair but now I have my doubts. I know he went to the state fair because he sent me a couple of pics while he was there but other than that he barely talked to me and when I called to talk after I got off work he said he was so tired and just going to sleep early. I believe she was in the room with him. It hurts my heart to think about it and I don't want to think about it but I can't let it go. I only found out about it yesterday so I know it will take a while to get over it. He swears it's over and he deleted her number and information on the computer but I don't believe him. I feel that if I quit school and start the full time position then he won't want to look elsewhere. Of course, this probably makes me sound extremely stupid. If I didn't have so much homework I would have the time for my family again. But, if I continue classes and get a nursing degree I will be financially stable and won't have to worry if he leaves me for someone else because I'm just not enough for him, which is how I feel anymore. I'm just not enough. If I can just not be an adult I could not worry about all this crap. As a kid you can hardly wait to grow up and do what you want to do, get away from others telling you how to act or dress, but when it comes down to it, a boss tells you what to do, company policy tells you how to dress, there is always someone out there telling you something you don't want to do. I tell my kids almost every day quit rushing to grow up because being an adult is not always fun. It's hard work and tedious most of the time, and yes there are lots of times it's fun but it's still hard. Right now I wish I'd had someone tell me this when I was a kid and helped me understand that I needed to enjoy my childhood way more than I did. So, to work full time or be a full time student and get a degree and then work full time in 3 years. That is the question and I have no idea what my answer should be. And what to do about my husband. I don't know that either. When do I say I am enough and make sure I'm mentally healthy?

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Chemistry Class

Every once in a while I wonder why in the hell did I decide to go back to school and earn a degree for a brand new career. I tell myself I'm 40 years old, why am I putting myself through this, getting up and going to class 4 days a week, working almost 30 hours a week, taking care of my family, and doing homework and studying. I see kids fresh out of high school struggling to make it to class on time and worrying about how they will get their homework done, because they too work upwards of 30, even 40 hours a week. They tell me thank god they don't have kids to take care of yet and ask me how I do it. I don't tell them I'm exhausted, but maybe I should. I should tell them stay in college now because when you are older, it's still hard work, plus you're adding in a family to the mix. Today has been one of those days. Every Monday is test day in Chemistry. I've struggled with this class since we hit the chapters that incorporate all the math. I struggle with math, always have and most likely always will, but I don't give up. So, the tests have, of course, gotten harder because of the math. Yesterday's test finally felt right to me. I felt like I did great and was sure I got an A. We got the test back at the end of class today and I saw I got a C. C? I almost started crying, which made me feel silly but I had studied and studied and felt like I really had it. As I walked to my car to drive home I did tear up a little because I am trying so hard and am afraid this will all be for nothing. And then I tell myself quit being silly. I'm doing great, I have a B in the class right now, I'm setting a good example for my kids, showing them it's never too late to further your education. I'm making my whole family proud that I'm working towards being a nurse for my second career. But I'm exhausted. There are times I nap when I should do homework and times when I should be sleeping that I'm doing homework. Right now I should be going to bed but I'm too tired to move from my seat and walk to my bed. My husband has been great, nothing but encouraging words and when I try to vent he basically tells me to stop, I'm doing the right thing and keep moving forward. I wish he would just listen to me vent sometimes, and let me cry and not get upset with me. I'm not going to quit, I just need an outlet. The final is next Thursday and I'm so ready for it. After the final we are leaving for California to see Ronnie and spend a day on the beach and a couple of days at Disney. I wish that were tomorrow and not a week away! Off to bed now, Emma has a dentist appointment at 8am and then class at 10:20. At least I'm off work tomorrow so I can sit on my butt and work on homework.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

I Made It Through The Semester!

I am officially not a freshman in college anymore! Ended my first year of college with a 4.0. I never thought I would do this good after being out of school for so many years. Only 2 weeks before my summer class starts and I was going to spend it being lazy and catching up on my favorite shows but that might not happen now. Scott had severe stomach pains for most of last week but neglected to tell me about it until late Thursday night. I got him to the ER and we found that he had appendicitis. He was admitted to the hospital around 2am and had the appendectomy at 5:30. The doctor told me they got to him just in time, I was literally only hours from losing him. But with a great surgeon and awesome nurses, my husband is at home after 4 days in the hospital with some heavy duty antibiotics going straight into his veins. So now I get to spend my two week break catering to my husband, which I will gladly do. I've spent the past few days keeping this to myself because family would have panicked if they knew how close he came to dying. I don't see the need to scare anyone else since he is alive and healing. I needed to let it all out somehow so why not write it all down. Emma, our wonderful 16 year old daughter, has guessed, but that girl is too good at reading her mother. No matter how hard I try to keep things from her she manages to figure it out. She is too smart for my own good. Love her so much. I might be mean and make Scott watch some Dr. Who with me. And then...... The first day back from the hospital I get a call from the school telling me Ethan has been caught stealing money from a teacher. HOLY CRAP! We have been talking with him here about it but I'm not sure what the school is doing. Since he is Autistic I don't think they are going to punish him. Which is the wrong way to deal with it. This is so hard for me to comprehend. Out of all 4 of our kids, the one that has special needs is NOT the one I expected to pull something like is. I am beyond disappointed in him and angry and hurt. I've told him all of this but I'm not sure how much he has taken in just yet. He is acting like nothing is wrong and I'm not sure how to get through to him to make him understand how wrong he was. I am so upset with him it's been hard to even look at him. We took away his movies, his games, and make him sit on the couch and read a book. He sits there and glares at us and tells us it's for the birds, he shouldn't be treated this way. I hope we can get through to him to make him understand what he did was wrong. I really hope the school is doing the same thing. I'm glad school is almost out for the summer for a purely selfish reason this year. Ethan and Emma's dad is retiring from the Navy this summer and Ethan is going up with his grandparents to attend the ceremony and spend a month with his dad. Emma is refusing to go see her dad because of his wife. Their stepmother has some major issues (I think bipolar is one of those issues) and she refuses to get help. I'm not making Emma go because of these issues and truthfully if my ex's parents weren't going to the ceremony I don't think I would let Ethan go. But he wants to see his dad even though he doesn't like his stepmom. If the stepmom would get the help she needs and manage her illness I would have no problem with the kids going back to visit but until she does I will worry as long as Ethan is up there. Now, I'm glad Ethan is going, like I said for a purely selfish reason, I need a break. So many people don't get a break from their Autistic child and it's saddening because these breaks we get every other summer or so are much needed. Scott says I finally relax, I laugh more, I sleep better, and my stress level as a whole seems non-existent. School is over for a while, Ethan needs some major discipline, and my hubby is alive and getting healthy again. Life is still good and I'm thankful for everything we have.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Feeling Petty and Selfish

I try not to be selfish and petty, about anything. But every once in a great while something happens and that stupid feeling comes out. There are so many other things in this world, my town, even my household to be upset about but this one thing just hurt my feelings. As I posted, March 1st was our 10th Anniversary. None of our kids told us happy anniversary, or good job, or congratulations on making this milestone, because in my eyes it is a small milestone. My mom tossed an anniversary card at us and walked away, my MIL told us happy anniversary on face book. And that's it. For months before we talked about throwing ourselves a party and having our wedding cake redone because our wedding cake at our wedding was ruined and it sucked, the baker put in copious amounts of lard for some reason, anyways, we never planned a party due to money being tight so we didn't have our cake redone either. It just hurts my feelings that the people we love couldn't take the time to say a few simple words. And like I said there is so much more to worry about so I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I didn't care that we didn't have a big party, or another cake, or anything else. All we both wanted was to hear some loving words that day. I thank god we have each other and even though the past year has been rough in so many ways, I'm glad we are together and strong and working at our marriage, not just letting it fall apart or neglect each other. Maybe now that I have let all these feelings out I can let it go, move on, and forget it. Because I am not a petty and selfish person

Friday, March 01, 2013

Happy Anniversary To Us & Autism (a totally different topic)

Today is our 10th anniversary, that would obviously be mine and my husbands. It's been a wonderful day, he is feeling better and we were able to spend all day together. We spent the whole morning in bed snoozing since we have missed so much sleep this week with him and everyone else in the house being sick, we paid bills together (ooo fun), we got groceries, we shared a chicken sandwich and fries at Wendy's, we made dinner together, and watched a scary movie with Ethan. Now it's almost bed time because it's back to the real world tomorrow. Then tonight I read someone else's blog about how she gave her son Autism and it pissed me off to no end. Well, it wasn't just her post that pissed me off, it was some of the commenters. Makes me think some mean and horrible thoughts after reading some of the stupidity that was spouted off in praise of this lady. I'm not trying to take away from what she is living with and through, I will never deny someone their feelings, but some of the crap I read was astounding and I know that sounds like I am denying what someone feels but I'm not. I promise. This writer gave a list of things she is so very sure caused Autism in her son. I don't think these things caused her son Autism but I don't live in her head, I haven't read what she has read, and I don't know what doctors have told her. What I do think is that Autism can happen to any family no matter age of the parents, race, religion, ethnics, anything at all. How come some parents can have 3 children and all 3 are Autistic and I have 3 children as well and only one is Autistic? Who really knows what causes it? No one knows and that is why there is supposedly constant research on this. Do I really believe there is research for Autism? Not really but I would like to think that maybe some day someone does find out why and finds a way to stop it. Because having a son with Autism is HARD. It is something that we will have to deal with until the day I die and I worry so much literally every day about what will happen to my son when I die. I guess now I'm at the point that I don't wonder why he is Autistic, I wonder how his life will be when I am gone, I worry that my husband and I are doing something wrong but then at the same time feel we have done pretty damn good without the help of therapists and counselors and all the other crap other parents do. We didn't do all that stuff for the longest time because no one told me what to do after Ethan was diagnosed. We were told what he had and sent out the door with a smile and a good luck so we have done most of his "therapy" ourselves. And no he wasn't potty trained until 2 months before he started kindergarten but we did it, and no he didn't talk until he was 3 but now he can hold conversations with you and you might not always be able to follow him because he changes topics so often but you can understand him, and yes he mumbles sometimes but so does a "normal" person. And there are so any oddities about him but I love him for those oddities and wouldn't dare to dream of him being a "normal" person. To me Ethan is perfect and amazing and has such a loving heart. Well, now that I have ranted a little I will go to bed. I feel a little better. So thanks!! I needed to rant to calm down.