Scott moved back in last weekend. A few days before our 4th counseling session. It shocked me that he just showed up last weekend with most of his stuff and Harley's stuff and they never left.
Truthfully I'm not sure how I feel about this. I have barely slept since they came back. I am so so happy Harley is back and I have missed him so much but Scott? We are too busy either bickering or walking around each other on egg shells, afraid to say something wrong and make the other mad.
Even though he just moved back in we have a whole new development that will test us alot more than what we have already gone through. Scott's 15 year old son will be moving in with us in a month. Permanently. Not just for 6 weeks during the summer. We get to register him in school, he wants to be a volunteer firefighter when he turns 16, drivers ed, and whatever else might pop into his highly intelligent mind. This kid is so smart it's a little scary. I totally understand why he wants to move here. His mom tries to treat him like an adult when it comes to the housework and school work but when it comes to actually talking to him and listening to him she either can't or won't. He will try to talk to his mom about his future and all she can talk about is how he's doing on his school work. He tries to talk to her about the death of his uncle a few months ago and she ignores him. He won't have more freedom here but he will have open minded parents that will listen to him and talk to him.

Not sure what this will bring, trying to repair our marriage and adding a teenage boy to the mix.

Actually after last night I'm really not sure how much longer we will be together. We went to bed not long after he got home from work at 10:30pm. Which is about 1/2 hour later than normal..... We shared a piece of chocolate cake and watched CSI Miami and I dozed off about 1am. I'm not sure what time he went to sleep but he was upset with me for falling asleep when I did. At 2:30am my cell phone rang and at that time of night I just answer the phone, I didn't look at the screen to see who it was. I assumed it was Emma because she spent the night with a friend and always seems to get sick during sleep overs.
It wasn't Emma. It was a guy I work with. One I would have never expected to call me at that time of the night, or actually any time of the night. He was at home and drunk and looking for someone to talk to. Or at least that's what I thought. I talked to another co-worker this morning after Scott left for work, yes, the one that I should be staying away from but we just can't seem to leave each other alone. He got a kick out of this other guy calling, he said he had to have been horny and looking for someone to come over and have some fun. I have no idea why he thought of me. This is a guy that I never thought of that way. He's a funny guy, intelligent but has never interested me that way.

So Scott is just pissed off that this guy called. I told Scott I couldn't help it, I can't control what he did, I had him off the phone in under 30 seconds. Don't know what else I could have done. Could have turned my cell phone off but I never do when Emma is at a sleep over.

Just one more thing we will have to work through.

As Walker said in his last comment, are we really in love with each other or just think we need to be with each other now.

That is the big question for us at the moment.

While I peruse this please go check out http://thewassellfamily.blogspot.com/. I don't know her personally but she is a very good friend of a co-worker and the family is having some very rough times right now. They need every one's thoughts and prayers.

I realized it has been over a month since I last posted. Scott is still out of the house but we are in marriage counseling. He has said that he will move back home after the 4th counseling session, depending on my attitude. This next Thursday will be our 4th session. I can understand giving it time to come back home, we are finally talking and I'm learning not to bottle up my hurt and anger or any other feelings besides happiness. It's coming at a price because now we argue alot more than we ever have. I guess that's a good thing because we are actually talking now.
But the whole depends on my attitude has angered me. It took two of us to get here and it's going to take two of us to get our marriage back.

I've been more of a weekend wife for him. He stays here on the weekends and Sunday night he goes back to his parents house. They are redoing their basement and have plans to turn it into an apartment for Scott and Harley. Which is fine because if we don't work out then they have a place that won't cost Scott rent every month.

I thought I was ready for him to come home but the more time we spend together this weekend the more I'm not ready. I quit sleeping again or when I do sleep it's very restless. I am so tired again. I don't know what to do!

Emma is so unhappy that we are trying to save our marriage. She was happy thinking it was going to be just her, Ethan, and me again. She was even leaving Harley out. I don't know how to help her either. I feel she should be used to us being married now because we have been married 5 years.

When he is in the house I'm back to tryin to make sure everyone is happy but me. And that's just not going to work. I need to find a way to even things out but I don't know where to start.

I have all these I don't know things going on at home and I feel kind of stupid for it. At work I kow exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it. I have people calling me for help constantly because even if I don't have the answer I can find it pretty fast. I love my work. I still don't love my home life. People at work keep talking to me about finding that even balance of good home/good work life but it just eludes me.

At work I know who I am but at home I don't. At work HE is still there. HE talks about going back to a previous job but doesn't know when HE will. I did tell Scott I have feelings for this other guy. It, of course, pissed him off and hurt him. This whole time that we have been separated if I go out it's with him. Scott accepted a date with another woman. He ended up not going but the thought of him going out with someone else killed me. I was a wreck.

This whole thing has also shown me exaclty what his parents think of me. Apparently I am too young for him and too immature. I didn't know at our age that 9 years was too old for me or too young for him.

We've both acted immature during our separation but I think that is what hurt people do. And now we are working on it.

Time to go.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there. I hope you have a good one.

No Guarantees

He has been out of the house for 2 weeks now. When we are together we don't talk. Well, we talk about the "normal every day" stuff. Kids, work, family.
The way we talk about us is through text messaging. That seems to be the only way he can open up and talk to me. I hate it. He sends me these long text messages to me while I'm at work. I feel obligated to respond to them, which of course takes away from work. If I go for a couple of hours without answering because I'm busy he gets upset. Not mad, almost whiny, like I'm ignoring him on purpose.
It is getting easier to be around him, at least the achy feeling has stopped. I realized I would tense my whole body up when he was around. When he would leave, and I was finally alone, I would finally breathe. I would let myself relax.

He brought me ice cream last night. We sat next to each other on the bed and shared it. We didn't really talk but at least it didn't feel too weird.

I really don't know what else to say right now. I want to say I'm happier without him but I still don't know. So I guess that means I'm not happier without him. Or maybe its just my heart healing pain.

He told me again today he can't give me the one guarantee I'm asking for. All I'm asking for is communication. I don't see how that is such a bad thing to want. My first marriage had absolutely no communication other than him yelling and me crying. He knew how bad my first marriage was. Scott has never been abusive in any way. The only similar thing between this marriage and the last is the lack of communication.
I'm tired of being the one carrying the emotional part of this marriage.
His idea of fixing something is to make me laugh. That only masked our issues. Now that they are big and in his face he is having a hard time dealing with it.
He blames himself for this.
I blame myself for this.
In reality, it's both of us that caused this.
I don't know where we will be in a month or a year but I'm going to make sure to protect me better this time than I did the last time.
If that sounds harsh, Oh Well. I'll make sure I'm OK and my kids are OK.

Changes

All that talking has lead to Scott moving out. He moved out a 1 1/2 weeks ago. He also took Harley with him.
Not sure what to say about that right now. I'm sleeping more, and through the night finally. Don't know if it is because I am happier that he is gone or because I'm depressed. I'm actually spending time with Ethan and Emma though. We go to the park almost every day after dinner. We walk and ride bikes and play basketball. The days I don't talk to Scott I feel good. The days I do talk to Scott I feel horrible. My head pounds and my stomach hurts. I just hurt all over. I miss Harley dearly but I talk to him every day and he spent the night with us Friday night.
Scott and I have gone out on "dates" twice now. Last Saturday we went to Red Lobster and tried to have a nice meal and start the talks on where we are going. But it was Prom night for one of the high schools here and so we didn't talk much during dinner. After dinner we drove around and we both spilled everything onto the table. Then I made the mistake parking the car so I could concentrate more on talking and less on driving.
We started making out like teenagers. Then we were even more stupid and got a room. Being with him didn't feel right. Don't get me wrong, it felt good but not right.
When I finally got home that night I couldn't sleep. I think I dozed off about 4am or so.
Friday night I took Ethan and Emma to see Iron Man. Great movie. I loved it! But they called and invited Scott to go with us. I kept my mouth shut and he sat by me in the movie. He kept wanting to touch me, hold my hand, put his arm around me. Awkward.

When the movie was over I took the kids and left and he went, well, I'm assuming just drove around because an hour later he asked if he could come over and talk. Stupid me again. Said yes. He lay in bed next to me and couldn't keep his hands off me. Still doesn't feel right being with him. He left a couple of hours later, after lots of touching and little talking. I told him that had to quit. No more until we know where we are.

Last night we went out again, just the 2 of us. Dinner was good but I lost my appetite. He kept crying through dinner and then he started yelling at me. He paid the bill took me home and got the boys and left. It was already arranged for him to have Ethan and Harley spend the night with him last night.

Right now my head hurts so bad. I slept but I don't know how well. He tried to text me after he left but I never answered them.

We went from everyone thinking we had the perfect marriage to this. I've gotten a little teary over this but I haven't flat out cried. Makes me wonder why.

Where to start

We finally talked last night. After a week of avoiding each other. And it wasn't pretty.

What came out of him is that he didn't realize what he was doing. He didn't realize he had been so unbearably grouchy or coming down harder on my kids or being just plain mean.

What came out of me was so much more. I am just unahppy right now. Unhappy with my life. I am so ready to send Ethan and Emma to live with their dad for a while so I don't mess them up even more than I already have. I want Harley to go away because everything he does irritates me. I don't know how to deal with a "normal" 4 year old boy and Scott doesn't know how to deal with a "special" 12 year old boy.

I feel after almost 6 years together we should have found a compromise on how to raise the kids. We still haven't found a way that works for both of us.

Scott is a generation older than me and he is a die hard Marine. He is so stubborn and set in his ways and I don't think he can change. Really though, how fair is it of me to ask him to change. He shouldn't have to change.

Right now I am the one changing. I need a serious mental break but I don't know how to get there. Ethan and Emma are going camping with their dad and step mom at the end of July. I don't want to wait that long for a break.

I am a horrible mom right now and I know it. Scott says I'm being human, the stress of the new position at work (which I really don't feel stressed from work anymore but maybe I am, just a different kind of stress), stress of having my mom live with us (she has made it perfectly clear if we move she is coming with us), the stress of having a special needs child slowly going into teenage hood, the stress of having a 4 year old (I swear the terrible two's are nothing compared to the Horrible Fours), and never having a break.

This is selfish of me but I want some me time in my own home. A whole day to have peace and quiet and watch SciFi all alone or listen to music and read a book or take a bath uninterrupted. The older kids get the house to themselves 3 times a week after school. Scott is alone in the house 2 to 3 times a week and same for my mom. They have their time to just be.

Just typing this I sound horribly selfish.

I am changing somehow but so far I don't like the person I am becoming. And I really don't know how to stop me.

Scott asked if there was someone else. I did say no because when it comes down to it, there is no one else. There is only stupid, selfish little me.

I went to see the doctor about my stomach and he said my problem is stress. I am letting things get to me and need to find a way to relax and de-stress. Or I could be looking at an ulcer very soon.

The busier I keep the easier it is not to think. I have more laundry that needs to be done so I'm going to end this now.

I feel like last night I hit bottom so the only way to go is up.

Right?

Today was a beautiful day. 74 degrees outside. Sunny with a light breeze. Almost perfect.

What made it even better was Scott got home early from work, about 3 hours early. We spent the day together and we both tried to be nice to each other. At first it was really hard. I wanted to just run our errands and then go home. He wanted to stop at this store and that store and look at stuff for my new truck. If I didn't show interest in something he would look at something else.

He tried so much harder than me to be nice. By the end of the day we were almost enjoying each other. We did lots of yard work and finally, finally got around to taking down our Christmas lights. We are such big procrastinators.

I thought about Him quite often but the busier I stayed the easier it was to not think about Him. I have to go back to work tomorrow and so maybe we'll have both come to our senses by then.

Right now Scott is on the lap top looking up license plates for the front of both of our trucks.

I'm still at a point where I don't want to talk to him. The meanness and attitude lasted too long, almost 3 months. I know some women deal with it so much longer and I dealt with it for 5 years of my first 6 year marriage. But he has never done this before. I think that is why I'm not quite ready to forget it so we can move on.

He did hug me today and we did kiss for a minute in the kitchen, almost burning dinner. But then he picked up his glasses and walked away. He hasn't tried to touch me since.

We both worked hard today though, maybe he is just tired. I know I am.

Not sure what else to say right now. I am tired and sore, yard work always brings out muscles you never realized you had. I think it is time for a hot shower and bed.

Unfortunately I know he will stay out here in the living room, playing on the lap top until probably 2 or 3 am. If he comes to bed with me I will be shocked.

On that bright note, sarcasm here, I hope you all have a good week.

And my stomach still doesn't feel any better. I discovered I've lost 15 lbs in the past 3 1/2 months. I'm proud of me! I'm not starving myself to lose weight, at least not on purpose right now. I've just cut down on what I eat and found fruit and veggies to snack on at work are easier than anything else.
If my stomach would quit with this whatever it is doing, I will eat normal again.

So I can't get away from this subject lately. The guy at work. I wrote what I did to see if anyone I work with still reads this and from the none reaction I got about the last blog I think they have all quit reading here.
Which is just fine because I now I can truly talk and use this for what I truly intended, a diary of sorts. I can't write all my thoughts in an actual diary because my daughter is too snoopy. I know my husband wouldn't read a diary but he would be extremely curious.
So here goes
We have been married 5 years now. We have 5 kids between us. Our marriage is pretty rocky right now. It has been since just before our anniversary, so about 3 months now. He is very good at his job and enjoys it because he deals with cars and car parts all day. The bigwigs in his division have noticed him and are encouraging him to advance and take the managers board to try to move up in the company. The first time he took the board for 1st assistant he failed. Just barely but enough that he has to take it again.
This past week I have felt horrible. Every time I eat I get sick, so I've been sticking to yogurt drinks and oatmeal. Those two foods seem to be ok with my stomach. Since I haven't felt good I've been going to bed earlier than normal, before he gets home from work. When he is home he either doesn't talk to me or snaps at me. I spent all last Friday night curled up in bed hurting and crying because I was so tired of the arguing and feeling crappy. Every other night, when he has been home, he will make dinner and then watch one of his shows. If I tried to talk to him he would just grunt.
I finally found out this big attitude is because he is going up on the managers board again and actually took the test Thursday. He told me the night before that he needed to study but had never brought any materials home to look at. I said that first thing that popped in my head, which was How come you didn't tell me you were taking the board again. He swears he did. I don't remember. So we argued.
We actually went out last night to some friends house to play cards and ended up talking and laughing and having a wonderful time. As soon as we got in the truck to come home the talking stopped and everything I said was greeted with a grunt.
He is planning another trip to Disneyland without kids this summer and at this rate, I don't want to go. His sister and her husband are coming but I still don't want to go. I don't want this to go on til then, you know, I don't think it will last that long but who knows. My first husband and I went for months without talking, and that was when his ship was in port. I'm not comparing the marriages or men right now, just commenting that I know silence can last a very long time.
He finally told me I have been nagging him about moving up in his company. I didn't realize I had done that. According to Scott I've been doing that for about a year now. I have been making him unhappy for about a year. I didn't know. He's never said anything. He still loves me but he's not happy with me. When he kisses me it's a peck on the lips or the cheek. We used to have long make out sessions, acting like teenagers and embarrassing the kids. We haven't done that in so long.
I haven't told anyone else about this. Not even my friend at work. We email each other all kinds of crap all day long at work but we quit talking about our families when I changed positions. It's just easier to talk about family stuff face to face with her. She knows we are having problems and I know she is having problems. We have decided together we have one huge problem and should just take the kids and run away to Fiji. And we each get our own cabana boy!

The punk at work really isn't a punk and he is really my age. He isn't tattooed or a freak. Since the few I was expecting a response from never said anything I am going to assume they quit reading about me. So I'm going to open up a little bit right now. I just need to vent. Maybe that will help clear my head and open my eyes.

This guy is absolutely wonderful. We spend a lot of time together at work when his schedule allows it. We've eaten lunch together and we talk and we stare into each other's eyes. Time flies when I am with him. The thought of him, the sound of his voice, when someone says his name I get all hot and flustered and my face turns red. There have been a couple of days where lunch was spent just staring at each other. I felt like I fell into him, I feel like I can't look at him enough. I am so torn right now. I'm not even close to thinking that the grass is greener on the other side but....
He'll touch my face when he walks into my office at night to give me his daily paperwork. He'll run his fingers through my hair or lightly run his fingers down my arm.

I feel like a damn teenager with him. Butterflies in my stomach. Flushed cheeks. When I'm alone I have trouble concentrating on what I should be doing. I do ok when I'm with my family and don't seem to have a problem paying enough attention to them. Scott hasn't mentioned it, but then again he has been in his own little world for so long now.

I see nothing but his eyes when I stare at the computer screen at work. Every guy that calls in work to me, I hear his voice, when it really is him calling I get the stupidest grin on my face.

ALL of this is so scary and exciting and I don't know what the Hell I am doing. I know damn good and well, I am being stupid.

Right now though my excuse is that with him helping me feel better about life in general right now he is helping me be a better person at home. Before we discovered all of this I was just as grouchy at home as Scott was. My mom mentioned that I seem to have calmed down and asked if Scott and I were ok now. I told her I don't know. Her comment tells me that this other guy has grounded me some how and brought me back to earth so I am nicer to my family.

Scott and I have been together almost 6 years now. I guess that 7 year itch hit early. Or maybe he is really not happy with me anymore.

Happy Late Easter and Early Tax Day

The talk around work is that the tax deadline is just a few days away. Ours are done and already spent. That's the problem with a refund, it goes so fast!

So updates on the last post. The one friend didn't win the City Council Post he was hoping to get. The other friend is still gunning for Congress and has filed the papers and been to I don't know how many meetings.

The guy at work that has the hots for me? Well, I'm just going to leave that alone right now. Truthfully I don't know if I will ever talk about that here. Maybe if I had a blog that was full of nothing but naughty, nasty writing. Enough said.........

But I've discovered it's not just that one punk kid that has the hots for me. There are a couple of others.

I quickly lost the thought that only my husband could find me sexy.

I went from answering phones in a call center to my own office where I get to boss a bunch of men around and it has now gone straight to my head!

Absolutely horrible of me but I am truly lovin' it. For the past couple of years I hated to get up for work. Since I switched positions I love going to work.

I haven't forgotten at all what I look like, I don't think I am sexier or cuter than I really am but having these men tell me I am sexy and beautiful is great for the self-esteem.

Enough of that for now.

I splurged and traded in my car for a brand new Dodge Nitro. It is the burnt orange color. Ok, my car was fine, granted it has been losing gas and nobody can find where the leak is, but other wise it was working fine.

I've had it for a week now and love it! Better gas mileage than my car, with gas prices so high, that is a good thing. I love being up higher, so much easier to see what is ahead of me now. I know Harley loves it too.

The kids have named it Hellboy because of it's color. I wonder how many families actually name their cars?

Already time to go. All that is going through my head is how my afternoon at work went. It's not x-rated but it had the opportunity to go there. I am just no ready to write down what happened.

Emma is ranting and raving about how unfair it is that I have computer time after dinner and she doesn't.

Me thinks it is time to remind her of who pays the bills around here!

Interesting Life

So, I have a friend that is running for city council. Another friend that is running for Congress. And a new guy at work that has the hots for me.

The friend running for city council has a good chance of winning. That would be great for him because he is so passionate about our town. He has so many ideas that he's constantly talking about that it's time for people besides his wife, myself and Scott, and our other friends, to hear.

The friend running for Congress... I'm not sure. He thinks he has a chance just because of his name. Very Mexican name. He might have a chance. I actually work with him and he runs his speeches by me at least 3 times a week. He has some good ideas too, just not the money. Maybe not having the money to run will help him win too. Who Knows!?!?!

And then there is this new guy at work. He knows I am happily married. He is married, not so happily. His wife is 4 months pregnant and he felt the need to share with me that the night she got pregnant is the last time they had sex. Supposedly she beats on him. He has come to work quite a few times with scratches on his face, a black eye now and then. I keep telling him that when she does hit him to call the police. Supposedly she is bipolar and he is afraid that if he files for divorce now she will hurt herself enough to kill the baby. He has plans to leave her when the baby is born and file for custody. I told him to definitely report the abuse so he has record for the courts when he is ready. I don't know if he has called them or not yet. He is nice enough, he's only worked there about 3 or 4 months. He is cute in a punk sort of way. But he is 7 years younger than me and the way he talks sometimes makes that feel like a whole other generation. I just don't understand him. He makes me feel about my husbands age.

This guy thinks I am sexy, hot, sweet, nice, and he has made it very clear that if I were to say yes I want to have sex with you he would be naked in a second.

It's actually kind of weird to get this kind of attention from someone other than my husband. My husband thinks all of those things about me too. He shows it by always touching me. If he just walks by me at home he trails his hand across my back or my butt. I'm used to my husband telling me how hot and sexy he thinks I am.

I don't think I am hot or sexy. My husband makes me feel that way just by looking at me, like he wants to devour me. I love dressing up for him. And showing off for him. I just love and lust him.

It's just weird having another man say it to me. He made sure it was after work hours and we weren't in our office. We were in the parking lot so we were right outside our office.

I'm horrified, flattered, scared, curious.

I just don't feel like I'm the type of person that another married man becomes interested in. Or any other man at all. I don't know why I feel like this.

He told me this about 2 weeks ago but hasn't said anything since. He talks to me about work stuff and when he walks by my office he smiles. It's not just a friendly smile. Sometimes it's a shy smile, other times it's almost like he wants to come in and shut my door and do crazy things.

Time to go. Harley just ran in, naked, and yelling OH SHIT!!!

I deserve the mother of the year award right now.

Have a great weekend.

Harley = 4 Years Old

Scott and I woke up at 8am this morning and the first thing he said to me was "what were you doing 4 years ago today".

Well, since you ask I was knocked out cold and having a baby ripped out of me. For some reason my family hates it that I say that. I guess it's just the image they get when I say ripped out.

I am so excited for him to grow and learn and experience life but at the same time I want him to still be a baby. He's my last baby. No more can come from me.

We made it to church so everyone could sing happy birthday to the birthday boy. As the congregation (we go to a very small church) started singing he proceeds to hide under my chair. The church is small enough we sit in folding chairs. No pews for us yet, even though we have been a church for about 25 years now. We just don't seem to grow. Scott wants to go to the other Methodist church here but I'm a charter member of this church and except for that one old cow I would miss the other members. That one old cow is the one that told people I had killed my granny.

After church we stopped by the store and picked up Harley's Spiderman birthday cake. As soon as I can get pictures up I will. He's been talking about his birthday for a couple of weeks now. But not just about his birthday but about his Spiderman Birthday. He ADORES Spiderman.

For lunch he ate two popcorn shrimp and then asked for cake. Scott was watching the Daytona 500 so I convinced Harley that he needed a nap and we took a 2 hour nap. He told me he wasn't tired but within 2 minutes he was out. The only thing he insisted on doing was taking his pants off and napping in just his shirt and his undies. He informed me it was more comfortable to sleep kinda naked. Ok, as long as he slept I was happy.

When we woke up we dug out his hidden decorations and helped me put up his birthday stuff and ran around the house barely containing his excitement that Nana and Grandpa were coming for his Spiderman Birthday.

He ate two bites of pork chop, 3 bites of mac & cheese and then ran and grabbed his presents to open. We managed to convince him to wait until every one was finished eating before opening his presents.

Scott and I got him a big boy bike with training wheels. We had it hidden in our truck so he didn't see it until dinner. He kept walking around it and saying he didn't want a bike but he kept coming back to inspect it. He spent a good hour walking around with his new helmet on. He wants his bike now. It's a cool green color appparently.

He was thrilled with the Spiderman underwear and socks and has proudly displayed them on the end table in our living room. He also got some Spiderman toys and coloring books.

It's almost midnight and he is finally asleep. It should be so much fun getting him up for school in the morning.

I'm off to bed, I'm so tired after the fast weekend that I think I need another day to just relax.

Hope you all have a good week.

Happy Late Valentines Day

Life has been so crazy for the past few months and it has finally calmed down. My new position at work is great and my hours are finally back to a normal 40 hour week. Over time every now and then but not very often.

Ethan's birthday came and went without much partying. Puberty is really messing with him. Puberty is hard enough for a normal kid but I'm discovering that one with special needs has an even harder time with that part of life. He had a Transformer themed party with just us and was perfectly happy with that. I still can't believe he is 12 years old.

Harley will be 4 in 2 days. He's still supposed to be a baby! He talks so well and asks questions and he is just so normal. I'm amazed by him every day because I never had that with Ethan. He jumps and climbs and runs and is so active. He has been potty trained for almost a year now, even over night. Some people tried to tell me that he was trained late but I decided long ago that kids use the potty when they are ready, not when us parents think they are ready. He goes to pre-school 5 days a week and adores it and gets mad most weekends when he doesn't go. He loves to learn and will make letters and numbers with his trains. He's mad because he can't go to kindergarten yet and ride the school bus with his brother and sister.

Miss Emma will be 11 in 22 days. She's counting down the days not me. I am splurging on her and we are having a swimming party and I am renting the whole aquatic center here just for her party. No strangers! But that is the only way I am going to get in a bathing suit for her party. It will be just a bunch of people that we know.

It's been so long since I wrote anything that I have no idea where to start.

So thank you to Walker for checking in on me and saying hi!

Right now Emma and I are being lazy and watching Torchwood on BBC. I love SciFi shows like Torchwood, Doctor Who, the Outer Limits. Supernatural and Ghost Whisperer are good too. Sounds like I watch tv all the time but I don't. I have resorted to recording the shows I like and having a marathon sitting watching them. Maybe twice a month I get to do that. I was doing ok until the show Moonlight started and it takes longer to get thru my shows. At least I can fast forward thru commercials.

Scott will be home from work in about half an hour and then we will go grocery shopping. I love going this late at night because there are few people there. The ones that are shopping this late are just as freaky, if not freakier, than us. If I go shopping during the day I get too stressed and have a hard time dealing with all the people. I don'd mind crowds at all, Disneyland is proof of that, but people and shopping are pushy and rude and have no consideration for others. I try my hardest to watch for others around us and be polite. My husband says I'm too nice and need to learn that sometimes you have to be a little mean.

Two weeks from today Scott and I are leaving for annual Vegas NASCAR trip. This year it just happens to land on our Fifth anniversary. And we can't find one single show we want to see. Last year Rascall Flats was performing at Mandalay Bay. There were a couple of other big names, that I just don't remember now, and this year nothing we want to see. We might end up at some topless review. Who knows. Just walking around the Strip can be interesting, watching all the freaks. Maybe we will try to find a chapel and renew our vows with Elvis.

Signing off for now. Walker, I'll try to write more often instead of waiting for 3 months or so. :)

Well, it's a week after Thanksgiving and I'm back at work. Yippee. Can you feel the excitement in me? I loved staying home and being here when the kids got home from school and helping them with their homework. I actually cleaned the house and kept it straightened up every day I was home. But there is just no way right now I can quit and be that stay at home mom. Ah well, there is always retirement. I'll still have Ethan to take care of.

We were not stupid and we did not join the masses at OH MY GOD early on Friday after Thanksgiving. We finally made it out of the house about 11am. We slept in until 9:30 or so. My SIL sent us a text at 5am asking where we were and when were we going to get to the mall. We didn't reply. We turned the damn phone OFF!!!!

Our Christmas shopping is done. Almost, we have a gift certificate or something to buy for the 23 year old stepson but that is it! OH, and stocking stuffers. But those are easy.

Scott got his present a month early. A 52 inch (spoiled) flat screen (really spoiled) LCD tv. Really frickin' spoiled. He is thrilled with it. It is really very sad that it took a damn big tv to get him to come out into the living room and spend time with us at night. He would hole up in our bedroom every night he was home. Now he is out with us. Spoiled rotten.

I'm being selfish here now. All I'm saying is my present better be nice. I mean nice. He has given me one Christmas present in 5 years. Last year he got that damn shot gun that blew up in his face. Remington better be damn glad they weren't sued. This year he got the big damn tv. Spoiled. At least get me a fucking card this year dear. I told him that and he just looked at me like I was crazy. I'll show that spoiled ass crazy if not even a card with his signature isn't plopped in my lap this year.

So, this past weekend went by way too fast. I worked 5 hours Saturday to get caught up on paperwork from that week I was on vacation. Emma spent half a night with her cousin that she always fights with. I say half a night because at 2:30 Sunday morning we get a call that she doesn't feel good and can I come get her. Thank God this cousin only lives 3 blocks away. I bundle up because it was a whole 20 degrees outside and drive over to cousins house. I pull up and Emma walks out and proceeds to puke all over their driveway. We get home and I get her settled after about an hour of moaning and another round of puking. I get to bed about 3:45 or so and then Harley comes in just a few minutes after that complaining that his tummy hurt and then he proceeds to puke all over the floor by my side of the bed. Scott had to be to work at 7:30 so he covered his head with a pillow and tried to sleep through the crying and puking of the 3 year old. I get Harley cleaned up and in bed with a bucket and gave in and turned his tv on so I could scrub my carpet before it dried. I discovered that he actually got most of it in my beloved Pooh slipper. That was easy. I just plopped it in the washer with everything else that was puked on that night. I think I slept from 6am to about 6:45. Scott was just out of the shower when Harley came back in to our room crying about his tummy again. I was so tired I didn't even stop to think about what kid I was dealing with and was climbing out of bed and yelling for him to run to the bathroom to puke in the toilet. And he actually did. I've discovered that out of all THREE kids, the youngest is the only one that can make it to the toilet to puke.

I spent Sunday sitting in the chair with Harley laying on me and about once an hour puking in a bucket. That is just gross I know but I was so tired and didn't feel like running to the bathroom every time. Emma spent that time laying on the couch next to us. We watched Transformers on the big screen. I don't know how many movies we watched that day. Every time I dozed off Harley would fuss. About 3pm they were both doing better and had kept some Ginger Ale and crackers down so I went grocery shopping.

Fun weekend.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm not working. I'm going to dig out Christmas decorations finally and get the kids to decorating. And it's my company Christmas Party! YEAH! I love those nights. The laughing and the drinking and the dancing.

I need to mention that Ethan will be 12 in 9 days. Why the need to mention this? Because they should stay babies forever not grow older. But it doesn't work that way. It's never my birthday that bothers me. It's my children's birthdays that bother me. This also means in 2 months Emma will be 11 and 3 months Harley will be 4. Too much for me right now.

Need to go, Harley is crashed on the couch and I need to carry him to bed before Scott gets home from work and wakes him up. Spoiled ass.

Did I mention Scott was spoiled?

Happy Thanksgiving

I finally opened my mouth and told my husband I wanted to celebrate the holidays at our house this year. Just us. And I'm so glad I did.

I was able to sleep in today and not have to worry about getting the kids ready and out the door to be at Scott's parents house by noon. I can cook what I want and clean up when I want and not have to worry about saying something that would offend my SIL, because that does happen weekly lately. I've pretty much quit talking because I could ask how her day is and that would offend her.

I don't have to worry about my SIL's son making my husband mad and us walking out on the dinner. I don't have to worry about that same boy picking on Ethan so bad and then Ethan is the one that gets in trouble by my BIL. Because he is crying. I've explained what Ethan has been diagnosed with but they don't seem to care. So I've decided no more. I'm taking us out of that kind of environment and keeping us all at home to just be. Just be with us and be thankful that we are all healthy and be thankful we do still have a SIL and BIL and MIL and FIL but that we don't have to worry about what we say and piss them off.

It is 12:11 and I have about 2 1/2 more hours before the turkey will be done. I prepared everything last night so all I have to do today is bake/cook it when the time is right.

Emma and I have watched Charmed all morning. I don't like parades. Never have and probably never will.

Scott is sick. I'm not sure what, maybe a stomach flu or something.

The boys are watching Night at the Museum.

My mom is reading the paper.

Life right now is good, even with Scott's bug. He's still joking around and trying to get me to come back to bed so he can fondle me.

We are even contemplating being stupid and joining the masses at OH MY GOD early in the morning to shop. I've never done that and I figure Starbucks is open that early so I'll be ok.

We might get up and get coffee and then shop, come home and make a big breakfast and then take a nap. He is taking the boys to a movie tomorrow and I'm taking Emma to see Enchanted.

Oh, and I'm on vacation until next Wednesday! Happy Days!

I'm on vacation and we aren't going anywhere! No driving for 13 hours to Disney. That was on the list for this weekend but Emma's little running away episode ruined that. I'm happier here I think.

Time to go find something to nibble on.

Everyone have a safe and happy Thanksgiving and for all the travelers be Careful!

I haven't written anything in over a month. I'm a little ashamed.

Thanksgiving plans were to go to Disney. Again. But then Emma ran away from us in the mall because we were joking around about christmas presents and she just didn't get the joking part and got mad and stormed off.
When I realized she wasn't coming back we started looking for her and it took us nearly two hours to find her. She was scared and cold because she didn't have a jacket and had wandered around the outside of the mall. In the dark. Granted we don't live in a big city but there are still a bunch of crazy people here. It wasn't but a week ago that women were being attacked at
Wal-Mart. Video caught the guy actually stalking one woman through the store before jumping on her outside. She managed to get away and police caught him because of that but how many other crazy people are out there?!
I was scared sick.
Her class did a cookie dough sale and the dough came in the day before and we had plans to deliver it because it is the frozen kind and I made it to one house to drop off cookies. I picked that house on purpose because she understands what we are going through with Emma. On the way to her house I almost made Scott pull over because I felt like I was going to throw up. I believe I've had a real, true panic attack now. I thought I'd had one before but not now.
When we walked into my friends house with her cookie dough she took one look at me and made me sit down and poured me a nice stiff drink. By the time we left her house 2 hours later I felt a little better and was a little toasty. But the panic and sickness started all over again when we were half way home. That was a week ago and it still makes me ill to think about it.
So now we aren't going to Disney. It's not like we haven't been there about 6 times in 3 years. I think we will live.
And I don't know what it is about the 5th grade but both Ethan and Emma have horrible grades right now. They both did very good last year, A's and B's, but this year I'm seeing C's and D's. That right there tells me no big trip.
Emma's meltdown was actually the first in about 6 weeks. She's done pretty good.
Ethan's meds were adjusted by the doctor because every time someone would look at him he would burst into tears. Almost like a girl starting puberty. I did ask the doctor if Ethan's meds and puberty weren't meshing. He said most likely and changed the meds. So far no difference but again, it's only been a week. I'll give it a couple more and we'll see.
Harley is growing and talking and eating and arguing. The little turd. He adores pre-school and gets mad on the weekends because he doesn't go to school then. He got the flu shot last week and it took me 2 days to convince him to take the bandaid off because he was afraid he would "bleed out" if we took it off. I asked my husband where he heard something like that and Scott just shrugged his shoulders. He did have a big grin on his face. I need to start writing down all the things he says. If nothing else, just for me to read when he is grown and moved out.

Time to go to bed. I have work in the morning. I'll try to be better about writing.

Have a good week all

Another Friday is here. And with that comes a weekend that passes too fast. With soccer and Scott working and chores and shopping and who knows what else will pop up. And right now I am being lazy! Yea for lazy.

Emma, who is trying to turn into a young adult way too soon, decided she wanted pizza for supper. I told her no, we've had it way too much lately and we could make something. Heaven forbid we don't go out on a Friday night. She still doesn't understand some nights it is nice to sit and do nothing.
Anyways, she disappeared for a few minutes and then came back with $31 and said if you order I'll pay. So, being the wonderful parent I am, after lots of arguing, I ordered. The pizza showed up and she ran for the door and paid the delivery guy, even giving him a tip, and took the pizza to the kitchen. The kids are eating pizza and I'm going to be good and have a salad. The pizza doesn't even smell good.

This past week was pretty low key. Emma stayed home sick for 2 days and I took half a day off Monday to be with her. We watched recorded episodes of Hannah Montana and Cory in the House from Disney Channel because The Rock was on both shows. I love him. He's just yummy. I want to bite him. Ok, now that I have that out of my system.
Emma lay on the couch moaning because her stomach hurt so bad and I sat in the chair with the show paused on Him as I drooled. She finally got tired of it and rolled off the couch just to grab the remote out of my hands. Then the sick little terd got back on the couch and laid on it. She only brought it out to change the channels when the shows were over.
I'm proud of her right now, well I normally always am even when I'm ready to lock her up for a few years (til she's 18 or so). I was approached by the speech therapist and the school counselor asking if I would let Emma join a group of students for lunch every Friday. This group is made up of special ed students that need help learning how to socialize and interact with their peers. Emma's role would be to help these students. Today was her first day and they played games while they ate. Basically what they are telling me is that my daughter loves to talk. She starts from the time she wakes up in the morning and doesn't really stop until she goes to sleep. Even then she keeps on talking, depending on how tired she is. No, really, they felt she would be good with the others because of Ethan and how much she helps him at school. It lets me know I'm doing a pretty good job at raising a caring young lady.

Ethan's not in the lunch group because there are too many others. He just does better with a one on one situation. Some days I feel he like he is going backwards and some days he seems just like a normal boy. His school work isn't suffering but there are times when it takes a lot to get him to focus on me. I have a feeling he tries so hard at school that when he is home he feels safe to just let go. He goes into that world of his where he is happiest and it is hard to get him back. I still get hugs (ok they are still leans but he asks for them I don't have to ask for them anymore), I still get eye contact when he is with me, I can still touch his shoulder or his head without him freaking out. It's harder for him to let others do those things now though. Scott cut Ethan's and Harley's hair last night ( I wanted to leave their hair long but the Marine in him just can't stand it) and Harley was done in under 5 minutes. Ethan's took so much longer because I had to help hold his head. I'd rather cut his hair at home because of these fits. I am tired of explaining my son to people. I know I don't have to but when they see an 11 year old as tall as me throwing a fit like he does, the looks I get are horrible. Even when I tell them what is wrong it feels like a majority of the people just don't get it. I don't bother to elaborate. I should take my time to explain what autism because I should be like so many other mothers who are out there trying to educate people. But why shouldn't people take it upon themselves to educate themselves. IS that wrong of me to think that? Probably so. When someone shows more interest than I do go into detail about autism and Ethan. I'm actually very proud at how far we have come. He's in a mainstream class and he's only one grade behind where he should be. He reads on grade level, the tests don't show this but who cares what the hell those stupid No Child Left Behind tests show because they suck. I've sat and read with him and I know exactly what he can do. The same for math. The kid hates math but he is so much better at it than I am. When he sits down to do math homework and I can get him to concentrate on that and noting else then he flies right through it. His memory skills for songs and movies just amazes me. And his doctors and his therapist. He can see a movie once and then relate it to someone else word for word, almost. He has to love the movie, which isn't hard for him, he loves movies in general.

I think all this is coming out because of Jenny McCarthy. I applaud her for what she has done and she has done it as a single mom, for the most part. I have no idea if her ex helps her or not. I caught most of her interview with Larry King and Holly Robinson Peete and I sat there agreeing with so much and then a co-worker came into my office to ask why I was talking to the tv. When I told him what I was watching he sat down and watched with me. I've changed the way a few co-workers think about autism. So I've done a little work towards the cause.

I haven't met anybody who dislikes Ethan. Every where we go someone is saying hi to him. Whether it's a teacher or a student from school, or even another parent. I hope it stays this way all through middle school and high school. I'm so afraid that when the elementary schools start blending the kids who don't know him will be mean. And I can't protect him from that. I'm hoping that there will be enough kids around him that know him that will jump in and say something. They do now! When a new kid shows up at school and teases Ethan the other kids are all over him to be nice. Before too long the new kid loves Ethan too. I can't protect the kids forever but I'm going to try my hardest and longest on Ethan.

Well, now that I've gone on a little about the two older I should say something about Harley. Today was his first school picture day. He chose his red and orange Hawaiian shirt (which is a nice button up shirt) and then brown cami pants. He was very colorful. He was so excited for the pictures. He loves school and gets up so good every morning. And then every weekend morning he still gets up and gets mad at me because I'm not getting ready for work so he can go to school. I hope his love for school stays but it won't because it never does. Ah well, I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
I love this school. Their goal is to have the kids reading, writing in cursive before they "graduate", and I even read something about math next year. It almost feels like they are pushing too much but he loves it and is soaking it all in. I'm not about to stop it or try to change anything.

Time to go, Emma has a friend spending the night and they have been too quiet for too long now and I need to investigate to see what they are up to.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Yesterday was Farmington's annual Cancer Walk-a-Thon. It raises money to help the Connelly House here in town. The Connelly House is there for families that travel here for cancer treatment for a family member and can't afford a hotel room. I've walked in 4 walks now and it hasn't gotten any easier.
But it's not supposed to be easy. It is 6 miles long and it starts at 8am. This year the goal was $120,000 and I read this morning that all of the 700 some walkers brought in $147,000. That is fabulous!
You can dedicate your walk to someone you know with cancer or just go to help a wonderful cause.
You can register your dog to walk with you and have fun taking a leisurely stroll, stopping every once in a while to pick up dog poo. Emma wanted to bring Vegas but I thought that next year would be better when she is a little bit older. We might even take Juni/Wanker (that is what I call him now since half the house calls him Juni and the other half calls him Wanker). There were lots of Dachsunds this year.
Scott, myself, Ethan, and Emma walked. Harley is still too little to go that far and I'm not pushing a stroller for 6 miles. We managed 6 miles in 1 hour and 45 minutes.
I haven't heard any complaints from Ethan and Emma but Scott and I have sore feet. Ok, I have a sore foot. I bruised my right foot somehow. I don't know how. We walked without stopping and I had good walking shoes on but I still managed to bruise my foot. The bottom of it is black, blue, purple, and green. It's pretty! I'm hobbling around the house today wincing. Being a big ol' baby.
We got groceries earlier and I wrapped my foot and that helped get me through the store. I still hobbled but I carried Harley because he decided to nod off after we'd been there about 5 minutes.
Hopefully it will feel better tomorrow.

Anyways, between the four of us we managed to collect $135. Not the greatest but we got a late start on asking for donations. Next year we are going to start 3 weeks early and see if we can at least double that amount.

Other than that not much else. Emma's soccer coach wasn't thrilled that she missed a game to walk but I feel the walk was a much more important part of her life. My mom, aunt, and grandma all had hysterectomies due to tumors in their utuerus or ovaries. Another aunt has breast cancer (she is in remission). Scott has had thyroid cancer and melanoma. We have plenty of reasons to walk and raise money. If he won't play her next week because she missed one game, she's made it to every practice, then she just might miss the rest of the season.

Ethan's teacher has walked 9 out of the 10 walks. She has sisters, aunts, uncles, her parents, all affected with some form of cancer. So far she is cancer free and I do hope it will stay that way.

I'm still working lots of hours and I've finally adjusted to it. Big plans are afoot at work for me. It's hard not to discuss it with my friends because I've been told not to talk about anything outside the office, well, other than family because it will affect them too. I'm not moving, I can share that much. I'm not going to say anything else because I have no idea who reads this from my office. I have a feeling a couple of people do even though they don't comment.

Parent Teacher conferences were Friday and both kids are doing well. Emma is the social butterfuly this year and has an A+ in Science, a B in Social Studies and something else, can't remeber what, and then the rest are C's. She is more interested in helping everyone else than in doing her own work. We tried to convince her that putting that much effort into her school work would bring up her grades. She has 4 more weeks in the grading period to bring up those C's. She is very capable of bringing home all A's. She just needs to apply herself.

Ethan has taken a leadership role in his class. I guess since this is his last year at this school he feels he's the big guy on campus and can lead others. Or maybe it is boss others around. Either way most people are getting a kick out of it.

I can't believe my 2 oldest will be in middle school in 8 months. I'm SCARED!

I need to go. Scott is making dinner and keeps hollering for some help. He is making chili, yummy! It's been raining most of the day and it is just cold here today. Chili and cornbread for dinner means that Autumn is here!

Isn't today the first day of Autumn?

I have so been the bad poster. Life gets in the way.

I'm home sick today and decided to try to sit up for a while to see how it goes. I put off and put off going to the doctor and now I'm regretting it. I have a severe sinus infection, 2 ear infections, and what looked like the start of strep. I feel like CRAP!

It is the end of the 3rd week of school here and the kids are doing great. Ethan has had homework once and Emma has had it every day. She hates it but loves it all at the same time. She adores the 5th grade so far and all 3 of her teachers. Its made the start of school that much easier.

Harley has settled into preschool just fine and loves going every day. He gets mad on the weekends when I'm not getting up and dressed just to take him to school. He has 2 little ones that he talks about all the time. The little boy is so much like Harley and they spend all day together from the sounds of it. The other is a little girl and she is just adorable. She doesn't say much but she does follow him around as much as she can all day. Little ones are just too cute when it comes to friends.

My work is fine, I've been working lots of overtime to help a co-worker get caught up. He had a heart attack and found that he has congestive heart failure and fluid in his lungs and is down to just 4 hours a day now. I'm doing his job in the morning and then back at my desk in the afternoon. The bosses are talking about moving me into his position if he has to quit due to his health. I told them I would let them know if it came down to that.

My co-worker, I'll call him Koko, gets annoyed by me every day. I call him Koko because he is a big guy and he reminds me of a silver back gorilla. Not nice, but he likes it, it tickles him for some reason. If I call him by his name he pouts! MEN! I bug him every day because of the way he eats and smokes. His smoking has gone down, at least at work, because I am constantly on him to quit. He knows he could go any day because of his habits so I don't know what the issue is. He told me the other day that he's so close to death why start now. I smacked him and walked out of his office. He has a wife and 2 teenage daughters at home that love him. I know that he has to want to be ok and quit smoking and change his eating habits.

I just got a little woozy so I'm going back to bed. I'll try to post more later. The first soccer game is tomorrow and I hope I'm ok enough to last thru that!

Have a great weekend all.

Stepson with Juni (aka Wanker)

I'm going to try to get both dogs to sit still together long enough to get an updated picture to post.

Vegas is quite big now and quite the energetic furball.

Juni is probably confused because Harley, myself and mom call him Juni, the name Ethan gave him. Scott and stepson call him Wanker. He answers to both for right now.

Update on Stepson

We kept him off the computer for just a week. We do let him on it now but only when myself or hubby is in the room and we insist on reading what is he writing on his blog or what he is talking about with his online friends. Apparently his girlfriend has dumped him because she can't deal with his lies because so many different ones popped up during that fiasco. Can't say as I blame her and I personally think she is a smart girl. Probably not very nice of me but oh well. The night she broke up with him, by phone not computer, he sobbed (literally loud sobbing) in his room and when he was done and came out of his room he wanted sympathy but didn't find any so he got mad at us and went back to his room.

I'm not speaking with my MIL and SIL still, Scott is but I'm not. It's ridiculous that they didn't think that he has feelings. They actually said that to us. Why would a man not have feelings. Yes he jokes around alot but he does know when it is time to be serious. At least he's not giving in this time and apologizing for something he shouldn't have to. Which he has done way too many times since we met. I just can't understand how they fell into that kind of pattern. My SIL messes up and everyone makes Scott apologize to her. Beyond me why that happens.